Rumour Has It, Gossip has IT

Yeah, I went to watch the show "Rumour has it".

It's pretty loose on the moral bit, which is something I am pretty apprehensive of. It talks about Jennifer Aniston on a journey to seek out if Kevin Costner is her true father. This is a man who has slept with the mother of the main character, her grandmother and eventually, with her.

At the end of the whole show, Sarah (JA's screen name) reconciled with her fiance after a talk with her father. I think this is the part I feel worth watching in the entire show. It started with her asking her father did he know about her mother's fling before their wedding. He said yes. And througout the entire conversation, his father expressed much confidence that the mother's love was with him, and not with the fling, and that he is the person she'd imagine living the rest of her life with. That, covers the wrong she has done behind her back. The true love between them. The father didn't even mention forgive. He absolutely is sure that it's true love between them. Love the part when Sarah ask why then, is she so different from her dad, that while she drives like nobody's business (not in her exact words, but close), while he drives slowly.

And his answer? "I drove slowly because you were in the car." His dad doesn't even need to say I don't want to lose you in a car accident. Those simple words he said meant so much. I nearly teared.

Then, after learning from her father what true love is, she went to look up the fiance. He told her that he didn't want to go back to her simply because after everything that had happened, she return to him just to tell her that she can't live without him and expecting their reconciliation. Her reply? "I can live without you, but I don't want to."

Yeah, very cheesy. But I do admire Sarah's courage to take the initiative to reconcile and the fact that at the end of the day, true love conquers all. But the immoral sexual relationships still bugs me alot.

God, why do the wonderful guys only live on screen and not in real life? Haiz. I can only wonder why.

- - - - - - - - -

After the show, hang out with the gals at Starbucks. Original intention was to go Bala Clava, it was crowded, and we were not like into the place "compulsively". So we went to Starbucks to talk.

My friend and her colleague were talking about what's happening in the office. Gossip, yep, nonetheless. Then there comes to a point when they talked about this Christian girl, who is the boss's friend, who work there. About the various things her pastor told her was "sinful". I thank God for this opportunity to share about my views on the issue. Slowly, slowly... I hope God will enable me to weave His message into the conversation...

Oklah, dun want to stay up too late. I shall go to bed now.

Monday TV

I like today's Grey Anatomy. It's about secrets.

I like the fact that it affirms what I always believe in. That secrets, once out in the open, regardless if they are sad or happy ones, brings relief to those who hold them.

(Which also kinda affirms what I believe "The truth shall set you free.")

Yeah. That's basically my review on Grey's Anatomy tonight. :) But I do worry for Meredith though.. She has been sleeping with a married man. Next episode will be exciting... Many many things will be happening... Kewl!

Oh, btw, would like to thank all of you for reading my secrets for the past months... You have been keeping them well and I have no regrets sharing them with you. Please accept the best secret keeper award...

*************************************


***** BEST SECRET KEEPER AWARD *****
HAS BEEN AWARDED TO

_____________________________________
(fill in your name)


verified by

_____________________________________
gaomei, Joyce
28/2/2006

*************************************

Congratulations! :)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Oh, while I was watching Desperate Housewives, there was one scene that made me cry. It talks about the kind of husbands there are out there. In one part, Lynette, the working mother, was crying because she thinks she causes the death of her son's imaginery friend. Then, her husband comforts her and tells her that it's just a phase, and that someday, when their son grows up, they will joke about that. And the narrator said "then there are some husbands who still let their wives know they are the woman of their lives" I think I am not very accurate on this one.. but, meaning is there lah.

And I start to sob. Just like Lynette. Of course not for the son's imaginery friend lah. I was crying for the possibility of someone like that out there. In fact, there are men who are like that our there, I know many.

I was crying for my man who will be like that.

I know, I am just plain silly to cry like that. However, let me tell you that while I was crying, something in me tells me that, he will be like that.

Otherwise, I reject lor. Hahaha...

Aaahhh.. another Monday night. Time to get my rest. :)

Spiritually Refreshed

Attended service in another church today.

It was refreshing to have a change in environment. First of all the service starts in the afternoon. I get more sleep.

Secondly, The change of environment means I do not have to cloud my mind with thoughts of disappointments and expectations as I have been doing when I go to my own church service.

I am among people who do not see me as a leader, but as a person who goes to service as a normal worshipper. That means I do not have to fake a smile if I don't feel like it.

The sermon had two key words that have been *blinking* in my mind for the past week. "Miracle" and "Faith". And the following thoughts, new and reinforced, below. I noted them down on my clie on the way to cell group tonight.

The Lord is:
My shield. My portion. My strength. My Deliverer.

To sin is natural for any normal human being. Being a Christian requires supernatural power. Supernatural Power from God.

Not by power nor by strength, but by My Spirit, says the Lord.

We walk by faith and not by sight.
Nor do we walk by works.

Faith in God. Abraham was told to sacrifice what God had given to him, his son. Isaac was all he wanted, he was God's promised and gift. And God told him to sacrificed his own son. He couldn't understand, but he obeyed. God was pleased.
- Sometimes God will take away what he has given to us, something we thought is the perfect gift from Him. He has his reason, and we can only trust His request by faith. -

If someone has sin, the common prescription is to sent him/her for counselling/treatment. We are too programmed into doing that. A sin is a sin, and we need to genuinely repent from that first, not to go through another therapy session, only to give the sin opportunity to revert back to itself next time.

It is when we are most desperate and vulnerable, when we are in a crisis, that we find that God made so much sense compared to our self-made solutions. That we really get closer to Him.

Am I feeling defeated in certain issues in my life? Do I need a miracle from God? YES.

He who calls you is faithful.

Be prepare to take risk when God ask me to. Not to be safe.

Do I consider my current church, my family? "________."

Why do we consider a member from a small church going to a bigger church as a "lost", and people coming from a big church to a small church our "gain"? Aren't we still in the universal church?

Can the people in the leadership identify with my struggles as a single, working, not too young, not too old, not rich, not too poor person?

Careful not to presume what you want to hear is what God wants to give you.

After the servie, I felt as if my back is straightened. I felt as if I have been injected with a light dose of joy. Finally, I feel God close to me, knowing how I feel and wants me to know that He will make a way. During cell, I felt that the small number people is an indication that it's time I share what I have been withholding since last year. And it was good. More joy, because I released the pent up feelings.

I am ready to receive more from Him.

A Leisure Saturday

Suppose to sun-tan today one, however, the weather couldn't make up it's mind to be sunny or cloudy, so I msg P. that we cancel the outing. Well, part of the reason was also because last night went to check out MoS and reach home at 3 plus am. Head's still swirling. But after a while, felt much better. But the sun still refuse to shine. Till 2 pm. Brgh.

So what did I do today? I washed my dark clothes today. Mostly black. Haven't been doing this for a long time, cos all this while, have been busy. Rely on mom's combine wash to add mine into the pile. So the washing machine is kinda alien to me for a while. But it was good. I put the radio beside me, pulled out a book to read while waiting for the machine to run.

Very leisure.

Hung out the clothes to dry. The colurs are so dark and greyish, I think I look like a washerwoman for the Mafia. Or the undertaker's. Haha...

Then nieces came. Helped eldest one do her Maths homework. Wow, they actually do so many things in barely 2 mths from school opens. Amazing. She's quite bright apparently, I discovered. She can grasped concepts easily. I feel relieved. At least, it's easier to teach her.

Took quite a bit of time. Then when we are done, it's about 5 plus. So I went to catch some sleep. I seldom take naps. This is rare.

Woke up, had dinner, watch some scenes of Mr S. Rajatnaram's memorial service on news. Maybe I would dig up info on him...

Gave nieces stickers. Sent my mother sms to test out her new Samsung phone. Teach her how to use. Create short cut for her. ASk my niece what she wants for her birthday, she dunno. Pack them with their mother off in a cab home.

Came back, check email. No serious stuffs. Niece called. Told me what she wants. Chatted with her a bit. Then she called again. And again, this time telling me about her nightmares with monsters and stuffs. Prayed with her. Realised she watches the show with draculas at the same time. Told her to leave the tv, go to her room and do things and go to bed when she is ready.

Watch abit of "Sweet November". Didn't think it's a good movie when I watch it in the cinema, so no regrets trading with my brother the tv for my computer.

Chatted with an old friend about my plight. She offered insights which I never knew and those that I knew and need to be reinforced. I successfully held back my intention and urge to do a thing. And realised that I need more than a month to get over it. It's not easy, but it will happen.

Just told another friend to come read my blog. Hahaha.. 不要脸。

Time to sleep. :)

C.S. Lewis

Receive a Christian singles newsletter in my email. Sometimes I loathe to read the articles inside, because they tell me what I already know. Sometimes they rub salt on the wound that is not healing. Sometimes, some sharing, IMO, are just corny, giving me no help at all. You know, the comments and ideas get repeated over and over again, but it does not give me a better grasp of my situation.

The extracted article from a book today was somehow gripping. On the plight of singleness ("Why are you not married yet?"), and being honest about the suffering the single person has to bear, as well as the family. It's not happy and dandy all the time as a single. There are genuine moments of sadness. Something NOBODY can do ANYTHING about it. Well at least, this article is honest.

Then further down the article there was an section which they called "Single Tip". Kinda corny title for a website for singles.. Anyway... there's this lady who quoted C.S. Lewis about being open to relationships. It was a nice quote, and so I embarked on a research on quotations by Mr C.S. Lewis. Found very interesting quotes by him on various issues. This website is the best:

http://www.quotedb.com/authors/cs-lewis/1

They have the quotes classified in different categories.

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

This was the original quote that was mentioned in the Single Tip. And this has been one of the principles I lived by. Have heard someone mentioned it before, but dunno whose quote was that. Finally, I can put that down.

There's another quote under Love:

"Love, while always forgiving of imperfections and mistakes, can never cease to will their removal."

Of course there are many other quotes, many I believe, will speak to you, when you go there at the right time.

Some of the other sites:
http://en.thinkexist.com/quotes/c.s._lewis/
http://www.quotationspage.com/search.php3?Author=C.+S.+Lewis&file=other

Thursday the 23rd Feb

Today I wore a V-neck spagheetti top (bought from Bangkok 2 years ago) that dips to a not-so-offensive (IMO) position of my chest. Then I wore the Perlini necklace I bought on the night I sobbed uncontrollably. In the office, someone (a man) in the office asked me where am I going, wearing so nice. My natural reaction was "Aiyah, must need to go somewhere then can wear nicely meh?" Then he replied, aiyah, that is another way of saying you look nice in that lah. Then he went on to tell another guy what can they do to make sure people like us don't take words literally. Something to that effect.

I am like... Hmm.. okaaaeeeyyy... Something for me to think about, not to take words literally. Hey, it's a compliment, I shouldn't be complaining :) But it's just me lor. Like what I wrote earlier, when people pay me compliments, I don't know how to react one. I will just sheepishly defend myself and say no lah, I am not as great as what you think I am. I shall learn to accept compliments gracefully. Any tips?

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Finally, I got a chance to eat at the new food court (called Food Republic, I think) at Wisma. L. and I just came out of Comcentre (went to fix a MMS problem in my Bandung) and dunno what to eat. After using the toilet at Centrepoint, I exclaimed "This is the best time to go there!" Well because there will be lesser people compared to weekends, where I'll never be able to have a chance to eat there.

So off we went. Upon reaching, the original intention was to eat the famous Fried Hokkien Mee. I gamingly joined the queue, seeing that the queue is long, I gamingly did a calculation of the number of people queuing. 20 people before me! Decided to give a shot and wait. After 5 mins, my stomach protest, and I settled for chicken rice instead. $4.30 for chicken thigh rice.

What a ripped-off. Miserable, too salty. (The chicken rice at the Tiong Bahru Market taste so much better than this and it's only $2.80!) After the rice, still feeling abit unsatisfied, I walked around to look for food but didn't find any I like. Went to queue for beverage, couldn't decide between coffee, Milo Bing or Ginger Tea. "Xiao Jie, what drink for you?" Since my eye stopped at Ginger tea, I ordered it. $1.20 for a packet of instant Ginger Tea in hot water! Well, at least the Ginger taste is strong.

What a night.

Alamak, 1.26am liao...

The Way Prayer Works

After the previous post last night, my mind was swirling with alot of thoughts. It was well over 12 midnight *obviously* and I wanted to get as much sleep as possible. But the mind just couldn't stop the thinking and the planning.

So I sat up and decided to tell the Big Guy about my scheming thoughts. As I relate to Him my plans, the motive behind my plan began to show up. I was reminded of what I've always believe in and held on to, and that it contradicts what I intend to do. Then I told Him that I don't want to plan and scheme anymore, just want to hand it all over to Him and let Him deal with it for me. I really don't want to go ahead with what I think is right, only to look like a fool to others when executing it. You'll never know what you think may not sit well with what others think.

I realised that I shouldn't run ahead of His plan and go ahead and do what I deem right. At this point in time, only He can move those mountains to path the way for me. If I really do trust Him, I shouldn't just tell Him that I want Him to work, and on the other hand, get busy preparing everything so that eventually, the thing will work.

Decided to tell Him to perform His miracle and wonder, if eventually, what I want is what He wants for me as well. My faith has to be placed on Him if I trust him to work what only He can do.

It was good. After the conversation with Him, I fell right into a deep sleep and woke up today feeling free of the swirling thoughts. I don't have to wonder and guess what will happen if I do, or if I do not. I have handed that over to my Big Guy.

I have the peace and assurance that He will work out the things for me.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Something to add about last night.

Yesterday, I watched the memoirs of S.Rajaram.

- If he is such a great man as most claimed, why don't they do memoirs about him when he is alive and out of politics, and only say good things about him when he has passed on?

- Gee, there were so many people listening to him, shaking hands with him from the 30s to the 80s. Where have all these English Speaking people gone to? Are they still around?

- Don't know much about him in person, I think I will like to be around this man if I was given a chance. He seemed to be the kind of respectable adult I would like to hang out with from what I watched.

There.

About Enemies, Being Beautiful And The Friendless

Just finished watching America's Next Top Model. One comment from one of the contestant stayed with me. Because of internal compeition (me being diplomatic), she commented "I'm gonna keep my enemies close". I am reminded of the saying

"Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer."

I was contemplating on a move that may sound silly to anyone. But this saying seemed to put some meaning to it. But then again... Is that an enemy that I am trying to get at?

- - - - - - - - -

Was doing some searching for some stock images at work today. It dawned on me that the more we look at beautiful things, the more beautiful we become.

Yeah, I know, many of you out there knew it already. What to do, I am a late bloomer... I felt this living out in my life, right at this moment. Being in the creative line, doing all the coordinating work, and now that I am off the "designer" label, I have more time and more eyes to look at beautiful things. And this has, therefore, given me time to learn and adapt them on myself.

But we must adapt beautiful things on ourselves. We don't become anything if we just look. Some work must be done.

- - - - - - - - -

Been feeling really friendless lately. Last month, because I want to talk late into the night, I kept telling my friends that I am tired and I won't hang out with them. And now that I am sans the calls, where are my friends, I wonder.

There has been a whole less genuine emails and sms that I am getting. I get alot of forwarded sms-es.

On one hand, I am thankful that I can use this period to do my translation homework. I need alot of time to do these things...

On the other hand... I wonder... am I abandoned by my "friends"? Gosh this season has come earlier than last year.

More of this will come as I paced into my late 30s.

Software Coolness!

I've just got 金山词霸 (Powerword 2005) installed in my computer. Total coolnes. Direct translation of every word whenever I do a mouseover, even over this post. Coolness!

FYI, the direct translation for my blog is...

Fluffy - 绒毛似的, 披着绒毛的, 蓬松的, 愚蠢的
and - 同, 和, 与
Floaty - 能浮起的, 吃水浅的; 轻、松的（纤维）
Thots - 没找到Thots! (actually should be 思考, 想法, 思想, 思潮, 关心, 关怀, 挂念)
of - 的, 由...制成的, 离, 关于, 对于
Fumble - 摸索
Bee - 蜜蜂; 电气[电子]工程学士 (hahaha!)

My preferred intepretation would be

Fluffy and Floaty Thots of FumbleBee = 摸索的蜜蜂蓬松的, 愚蠢的和能浮起的想法

Yippee woo hoo~ *doing a little dance*

Coolness! :)

Now, on to homework!!

Having Faith... In All Things

You gotta hand it to Hollywood for dramatising and glorifying life. Nobody does it the way they do it on tv. Whenever there is a call for emotional response of any kind, you can always trust the Americans to bring it to life and tug your heart strings.

After Grey's Anatomy, there's this trailer about the upcoming Oscar (Or is it Golden Globe or what) awards. The various scenes of winners crying, coming in style, sharing about their path to succees, or that they had a dream... They are all very inspiring. And somewhat brings people into the picture and makes us believe that we can do the same and achieve what we want in life.

At least for me, at times it does motivate me.

Like tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy. It talks largely about faith. On oneself, on another person, on our beliefs. It's a difficult subject to bridge when you put it in a teaching context, but the US drama does it so well.

There's this scene when Meredith questions Dr Shepherd about who he is (cos they have basically sleeping at her house every day), as she knows nothing about him at all. Whenever she questions him, he will tell her to loosen up, or tell her that she gotta believe in him for who he is (something to that effect).

I feel what Meredith feels. Or maybe most woman are like her. Haha... I am someone who wants to know is the person that I have been communicating with. I like to find out what does she like, what does he dream of, how young was her when she did this, or how did he felt when something like that happened to him... I don't like to be kept in the dark about something that can be so easily told to me.

Maybe that's why alot of times I offend people. Probably because it may seemed as if I do not respect the privacy of others, or I might come across as being very domineering. Which I am really not.

Then, there's the various issue in the episode about believing in others, and also in ourselves. Faith. Sometimes, we let doubt cloud our mind, or we hold on very tight to what we have been believing for years. So much that when opportunity comes for us to put our faith on something that is better, we hesitate, we procrastinate, and we refused to budge.

Faith is really a very delicate thing. Believe wrongly, and we will hit a rut, or maybe risk our other choices, or even our lives. But faith in the right places may actually brings us closer to a better situation than we ever know.

As I sit slouching on the sofa, watching the stories in the show display the various types of faith, my mind ran a few scenes of that one case of an end that I should start to get myself used to believing.

Am I ready to believe that it has ended? Cos from what I have been behaving, and what my mind has been churning, I am still very hung up on believing that it has not ended.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It has, afterall, happened, as I sms-ed YY. this morning. Everyone has told me to move on. I WANT to move on.

But... It has afterall happened. My foolishness and stupidity won't let it pass.

Given time, I will move on. I want to believe in an end to this so that I can be ready for a new beginning.

I want to believe.

I want to renew the faith in myself again.

You scored 19, on a scale of 0 to 50. Here's how to interpret your score:


0 - 25

If you scored below 25, then you're low on Materialism. You like to live simply and unpretentiously. Clothing is worn to be comfortable, not to make a fashion statement. Nor would you buy a car to impress others. Bargain-hunting is fun for you, as is dining at casual restaurants. If you enjoy traveling, you prefer functional and reasonably priced hotels to the memorably lavish. For you intimacy involves sharing life's simple pleasures with someone of equal yearnings.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hmm... my spending for the past 2 months doesn't seem to reflect this... Hopefully, it's really the festive season shopping and I'll revert back now that all the festivities have stopped. I am spending ALOT more than I normally do in those 2 months. Very unlike of me to do so. Those spending were for pleasure and for therapy. For the first time in my life, retail therapy is real, and I actually feel good after each purchase.

Next month, cannot be like that liao.

A Sunday Of The Idle MInd

Everyday, I have something to say. And I don't even rest on Sundays.

Was on MSN with someone. He said he didn't see me during service today. I said I was there. He asked me which service. I said 2nd. He said didn't see me lei.

By this time, I am kinda irritated. Does it matter anything if we verify if I was there, and that did he see me? Does it does any good to anyone? It's over.

So I told him, doesn't matter. And his reply? "If you say so."

:S Was that pettiness? A man, well over 35 years old, giving me this kind of answer.

Argh. Why do I always have to deal with immature Singaporean men? WHY?

- - - - - - - - - - -

Was contemplating about going to QBC for service today. I go anyway, cos have arranged to go watch Fun with Dick and Jane with L. Lo and behold, YK. messaged me hr before service starts to check worship time. He didn't know FCBC moved to Expo from Bt Merah and missed their service. So we arranged to meet, taking his van.

Boy, this young man has grown to be more matured compared to last time. Good to see that. While at church, connected him with some of those persons he know. And left him with them while we rush to West Mall for the movie.

Something in me tells me that my connections with these people is valuable. But then again... I wasn't quite "fed" by today's sermon. I think next week I will go FCBC and check out their service.

- - - - - - - - - - -

One scene in Fun with Dick & Jane had me thinking. When Dick first coined the thought of robbing others, all his attempts failed, because he ended up being the samaritan to others. The couple were frustrated that they are so good, they can't rob.

Reminds me of myself. No, I am not "so good"... It's just that I remembered that I am too nice that I can't do "bad" things, or when "bad" things are done to me, I do not retaliate.

It's an OK movie. I think wait for the DVD would be good.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Now I truly understand what it means when they sing in songs that "everything reminds me of you".

I'm not over him yet. There is this part of me that says "Maybe...", "... possibility of...".

The more I dwell, the more the negatives turn inside out.

Argh. I need more time.

A Valentine's Day Idea

Or just an idea if you want to surprise your girl at any time of the year.

Just read an article on the new paper of fleecing by exhorbitant prices of roses and restaurants on V Day. And suddenly an idea popped.

Instead of real roses, go get those temporary rose tattoos and tattoo them on her hand. That way, if someone comes to you and ask you to buy, you bring out her hand show them the tattoo.

(I think) This will work for most girls who does not mind bearing a tattoo in her corporate suit.

Have fun! :)

Be Be Your Love

~ to You who has yet to come ~

RACHAEL YAMAGATA - "Be Be Your Love" (Music for 7 days)

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love

A Very Different Friday Night

Met up with K. and PGH for dinner.

I thought it's quite a unique mix for dinner. K. messaged me earlier and wonders why does PGH wants to meet up with the both of us. I told her, I've met PGH for lunch before, nothing to be scared of lah. She was rather assured, cos she knows when I am around, things are not so intense. (Hehe.. goes to show how assuring my presence is, haha!)

So we met for dinner. Very cordial initially, we enquired about how each other is, what is happening to some members of the church, etc, etc. It was when we adjourned to food court for some dessert that the meat of the meet surfaced.

The common thread between K. and I is that we belong to the tier of church members who have been through the ups and downs of the church, and that we are of the same age range. One will be moving on to another church after the marriage, and as for me, PGH knows that I plan to move on too. So I guess thats the reason why PGH wants to meet up with us.

As we talked about what is happening in our lives, we begin to share of the situation currently in church. It has become a transition point for people, and more people are leaving. We shared about our needs and why we are taking the backbench. PGH, I can see, is genuinely concerned about the current situation, and wonders what can be done at this point in time to retain people.

As we talked about these things, I realised that my sentiments is not as strong as it was the last time I raised them. Perhaps because of what has happened. Or perhaps the withdrawal from the major activities has allowed me to simmer down. My stand is still the same, that church has to take care the needs of the members as an individual. We have too many activities. K. shared about doctrinal issues and her convictions as she questions Christianity, and how she found what she has been looking for in the new church.

On one hand, I am thankful that PGH notices this trend among the pastoral, and makes the initial contact to talk to us on these things. On the other hand, I wonder how much of the pastoral actually care about such things. My guess is that they are too overwhelmed with organising activities that issues such as these are not in their priority list. Even though they keep stressing that the church should not have too many activities that we neglect spiritual growth, they are still doing what they are preaching against. I just find it very ironic lor.

Anyway... I don't think I will want to be involved in church activities very much, even if I were to remain. Like what I told PGH, I want to re-learn to be relational to people and to God. I couldn't care less about activities this year.

Hmm... This Sunday, should I go visit some other church?

Pink Lady Day

Today when I woke up, I was still in quite a daze and didn't know what to wear to work, keeping in mind there's a meeting. So I took a pink polo top and matched it with black pants. I know, it's so funny looking. But I dunno what else to wear anymore.

Then I change my ear studs to pink plastic roses, obviously to match the top lah. And also because the one that I have seemed to develop some liquid, so I want to stop the liquid infection.

Everything matched with my Bandung :) Wanted to wear pink slippers, but I think it's a bit too much. Haha...

Day went on well at work. No more headiness or heaviness. Better appetite.

Wanted to catch "Fun with Dick and Jane" with L. but today does not seem to be a good day cos there were openings and previews. So we went to watch... guess what.

Pink Panther. :)

Haha.. I didn't realise that until I told my colleague on the way out of office. She looked at my top and shake her head and mock exclaimed: "Pink again!"

Reached Marina Square. Still abit early for the show, so went to hunt for a cover and a wrist strap for my Bandung. Was contemplating between cherries in white background, "sexy cat" on black background, blue angels outlined in a blue background, milk carton on a blue background, white outlined bear on a pink background, white outlined monkey on a pink background... So many choices! I choose bear in pink background. :) Trying not to stay too pinkish, I chose a white strap. Hmm... everything look perfect! :)




Pink Panther is a fun show. Hilarious with no specific reason. Had a good laugh in the cinema. Great cheer me up movie. Easy to understand humour. Thanks L. for the choice.

After movie, went to look for the restaurant opened by my colleague's daughter's god-father. The food don't look very appetising, so we went to Genki to eat. Walked passed Kenny Rogers. I remembered Someone used to tell me he likes to eat there. Unconsciously glance into the restuarant and see if he's there. Nope. OH well.

The agedashi tofu and hana maki are too salty. The wasabi, not powder enough. Took a comment sheet and wrote those down. Salmon sashimi was fresh. I discovered that the most easiest way to make me happy is to treat me to fresh sashimi. And subway. (It really feels so good to eat fresh veggies sandwiched between meat in bread. YUM!)



After that, L. went to Charles and Keith, and I followed. I never step in because there were a few times I tried. The shoes don't have size 9, and I never went it again. Wah on sale. L. didn't find what she want. I bought 2 pairs of 2.5 inch heels! Ahahaha...! :) Yep, I will stand 1.78cm + 2.5 inch = 1.83cm when I wear them. Thanks to Someone's suggestion last month, I think I will not resist heels anymore. Tall girls do look good in heels what, what to do right? It's not out fault! Hehehe...

And now I am back. Writing this blog in betweene msn messages. And coughing still. But feeling so much better after 2 days of zombie-ness.

I feel good!

Like In A Dream

The past 2 days that is.

As some of you may know, my brain wasn't functioning properly and I was constantly in a dazed mood. There was this lethargy-tired-pressure-stucked-blocked state my mind/brain is going through. I was constantly geared towards falling into a sleep, my mind was really tense and I couldn't organise my thoughts properly. At one time I will be full of energy, and minutes later, I could go into a low energy state. It's all very strange. Everything seemed to be really dreamy and surreal. And I mean SURREAL. On top of that, I visit the toilet and make heavy deposits more often as usual for the past 2 days. That, I can diagnosed because I am starting to take the evening primrose my colleague had offered, some sort of adjustments the body is making.

But for all the surreal, tired, stucked and blocked mind, I have no answer for.

So I took to bed earlier for the past 2 days, slept at about 7 or 8 plus. I took the advise to pray before I sleep last night. The heaviness of the head was so intense, I told God that if I could cuddle in the arms of someone, it would probably take tonnes of the weight away. Then I fell asleep. There were a few dreams that occurred. Without giving too much details, my shoulder had a chance to rest on someone and at that moment, it felt really comforting.

This morning, when I woke up, I remembered that part of the dream, and some other parts. I was reminded of that Someone's shoulder I used to lean on. I wasn't feeling sad or whatever, just another round of wondering-whys things happened that way. Wondering why things were moving so well, fitted so well, and then PLONK! I was dropped.

Anyhow, I feel much better today. Better appetite, more energy, not so heavy-headed. Although morning choosing what to wear for the morning meeting was a challenge. But overall, I feel much better.

Maybe all this mental thing comes up as a result of built-up of events for the past month. I thought I had put them behind, but subconsciously, the remnants worked themselves together and go against my system. I don't know. Probably is so.

Does someone have an answer for me?

Valentine's Day Special III

Arggghhhh. Woke up from a short nap after coming back home. Feel much better now. I do not know why am I so stressed up, even when I sleep, I dreamt. One was about a classmate who's a copywriter. The scene showed her involved in some community project, where she fixed up insects as installation art or some sort in an old folks home. And there's this scene when she stood there and watches her art while people passes her by, you know, like SRX camera, they looked like blurred images passing by her. Then, I hear the other classmates commenting on the amount of work she has to do for the piece of art.

Then, V3 stressed came up again. I dreamt that I went to this ah beng shop and I bought a blue-tooth that dangles at the ear, unlike those clip ones that you see in the market. That scene was a little unclear, cos after I've obtain the blue tooth, I don't know what I did thereafter.

Then I woke up. Cos I want to reserve some sleepiness for use later. Ate some fried chicken for dinner. Drank some JJ liang teh. Again, I gobbled up the drink and coughed/spilled some over. This is the 2nd time I do things like that today. I wonder why.

Then I began to fiddle with my Bandung, with some help from brother, who owns a ROKR. Yes! Got a song blue-toothed into Bandung. Took a ridiculous self-portrait and set it as wall paper and played around with the other features abit. Hey, I think I am going to have a lot of fun with this phone. Now not so scary... I think I should sleep well tonight :)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was looking forward to my first Valentine's Day at Raffles Place. Have always wondered what is it like on V Day there. I can tell you, it's extremely boring. During lunchtime, the Raffles Park was packed with silly lucky draws and queues for diet coke. And of course people. Looking as busy as usual. There were people from zuji posing as angels, but like what my colleague said, they seemed more interested to spread gossips than spreading love.

Then, after work, I thought I would expect many people holding flowers or pak-tor. Don't have leh. The grass in Raffles Park was laid with many items there were grouped. I reckoned it was for some silly Valentine's Day game, cos there were sponsor balloons and stuffs. The people who got off work all looked really boring and tired. In their greys, blacks, brown, blues and whites, they seemed in a hurry to go home. There seemed to be more individuals taking the escalator than couples. I probably see less than 5 guys holding flowers and making phone calls (to their gf). Everyone seemed to be mourning for Valentine's Day. There's no life, no celebration mood. Love is definetely NOT in the air.

There's no lovey dovey mushy song blasting from anywhere. There were some schoolgirls holding single stalks of roses, I wonder are they trying to sell it off, or are they going to hold them till the event at Raffles Park starts. The air reeks of... nonchalence, couldn't careless about Valentine's Day.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You know, I was thinking today. Why do businesses fixed their targets on couples on Valentine's Day? I bet they will do well riding on the irony of the celebration and organise some stuffs for the Singles. That will rake in more money than depending on couples. Singles nowadays are more affluent, are more willing to spend, and will take this chance to drink, be merry, celebrate Singlehood and party. And meet new people. Whereas couples will be saving up for HDB flat, children's education, wedding at Fullerton, etc. Right?

I am just stating the fact. To me, it's just silly lor. From a business point of view. If I owe a cafe, I will sure make this day a speed-dating fun day or something for singles. I really think singles will enjoy this day more than couples, particularly in Singapore.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Arrgghh... I feel much better after the rest. Hope tonight I will truly sleep well.


From the bottom of my heart: Happy Valentine's Day, dear Readers.

Proud Owner Of A Bandung RAZR V3!

Yep. This beauty is in my hands now. It's given me alot of stress. I don't know why. I know, telling you that I am so excited over it's functions such that my brain mal-functioned is silly. But it really did that to me. See my earlier blog below. I think I will go sleep when I reach home. Just too dazed to do anything.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Today Is A Strange Day

I did not have a good sleep last night. I am trying to figure out why. Was it because I am too excited to use the Bandung RAZR V3 phone? Was it because last night was the last lesson of module 2? Was it the thought of exam in less than a month? Was it the anxiety that I am not able to work up on time, now that the handphone that I used as morning alarm is now defunct, and I am not sure if my other alarm devices will fail me? I just couldn't have a proper sleep.

Whatever the reason is, I woke up totally ruined mentally. My day in the office is a drag, because I constantly feel like falling into a deep sleep. And it gets more irritating whenever I hear James Blunt "Goodbye Lover" on the class 95. I like "You're Beautiful", but someone should pull the plug on "GL". It's superbly irritating. Not melodious, horrendously sung, want to sing like don't want to sing... You get the point.

Now after lunch, the tiredness is back. And egged by the anxiety to overcome this fatigue, I swallowed a can of Red Bull within 5 mins makes me feel worse. I felt like puking, and felt so bloated. Fortunately, a trip to the toilet flushed some of the toxins, and I felt much better.

I can't wait for the moment when boss will be out for meeting so that I can fall into a nap. I REALLY need to get some shut-eye.

Valentine's Day Special II

(The blog below was written on 2/18/2005, in my other undisclosed private journal. I thought of sharing it with my you, dear readers, as we try to rid ourselves of the smokey air of Valentine's Day. Story has been edited... Cos I feel like it. Mind you, my English sucks in this tale.)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Crystal told me that she suspect a couple that we are both acquainted to are attached to each other.. I go like... arh... another set... anothe reminder that I am STILL SEATING ON THE SHELF... ahahha...

*Imagines this scenario*

I am the long-legged Rag-doll Cowgirl seating on the shelf in a toy shop. Everyday, people come into the James' Store to pick a toy.

Somedays, the smart soldiers were taken. Other times, the cute little lamb (even though she ignores the rest of us in the toy store, but the soldiers). Last Thursday, the pale-faced doll clad in kimono with weird eyebrows was picked up by a teenage girl in Gothic get-up. Just yesterday, a pair of old couple came in and picked up Milkmaid and Farmer. Every day, we see customers coming in, and claiming a doll of their own. Any doll, except us.

At this moment, on this shelf where all the dolls are placed, left the lady cook, the Chinese swordswoman and me, the Cowgirl. We look with longingly at those figures of hope who enters the store everyday, secretly wishing that the next customer who comes through the door will pick us up and bring us home. Our roving eyes follow the customer's gaze across the store. Most of the time, they settle on other dolls except us.

I have to agree, some of the dolls that were bought are too exquisite to stay in the shop. They should be placed somewhere where they can be admired. They are so perfect, I wonder if the customer who buys them realise the kind of maintenance they have to do with the purchase. But the other dolls... They were either too plain, too bright, too soft, or too hard. But even so, they have their buyers, people who took fancy of them and bought them. And I wonder why.

When will it be our turn, I ask the others.The lady cook muttered, "Too many cooks, spoiled the broth." I wonder what does she mean. The swordswoman answered, "Patience lah", wielding her sword, "meantime, work on what you have been made to do.".

The other toys at the cashier counter, that are reserved by the customers, echoes the same thing. "Your turn will come. That person hasn't come to the shop yet."

Easy for them to say, I muttered. They repeat these words so many times, it is becoming a chant in the shop. I really do not need patronising words.

Well, I do remember someone picked me up once. I was so sure that he was going to bring me home. He was carrying me and was walking around the shop. Just when I was enjoying the excitement of being in the arms of someone, almost immediately, I found myself sprawling on the cashier counter, not realising that he has left the store. WIthout me.

Well, at least James still keeps us in his store. At least he doesn't think that we are rejects. He still keep us and did not return us back to the factory. James still thinks someday, someone will pick us up and bring us home.

Meantime, with the same hope, we will continue to sit in the store. And wait for the right customer to come and pick us up.

Valentine's Day Special I

无底洞, Deep
Bottomless Pit (Direct Translation) - Music

歌手, Artist：蔡健雅, Tanya Chua

专辑, Album：陌生人, Stranger

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
有时寂寞太沉重
身边彷佛只是观众
你的感受没有人懂
难得谁自告奋勇
体贴让人格外感动
爱上他前后用不到一分钟

嘿～回想恋情的内容
有谁想过有始有终
不过是一时脆弱让人放纵
嘿～

穿梭一段又另一段感情中
爱为何总填不满又掏不空
很快就风起云涌
人类的心是个无底洞

尝试亲吻尝试拥抱或沟通
没有好感再尝试也没有用
大多数人都相同
喜欢的只是爱情的脸孔

没有谁背后怂恿
不该爱又爱的冲动
是你害怕孤单而拼命补充

嘿～回想恋情的内容
有谁想过有始有终
不过是一时脆弱让人放纵
嘿～

穿梭一段又另一段感情中
爱为何总填不满又掏不空
很快就风起云涌
人类的心是个无底洞

尝试亲吻尝试拥抱或沟通
没有好感再尝试也没有用
大多数人都相同
喜欢的只是爱情的脸孔

(English Translation - An Attempt)

Back To Sporadic Thoughts

I think I will not contemplate on Starhub or Singtel for my phone problem. I will get a 2nd hand phone.

1. I seldom get calls or make calls anyway. Mostly SMS. So, technically speaking, I can still use the current phone for sometime.

2. Save me the hassle of trying to figure out the calculation of the costs that I will incurred.

3. I can then manage the cost that is involved. No hidden cost. Nothing to worry or fret.

- - - - - - - - -

My appetite is coming back. Today I ate more than usual during dinner time with my classmates. When I came home, I ate about 6 pineapple tarts.

Jia lat. Will gain the weight back again. Argh.

You are KATHERINE HEPBURN

(43-50 points) You are KATHERINE HEPBURN:

You are smart!, a real thinker. Every situation is approached with a plan.
You are very healthy in mind and body. You don't take crap from anyone.
You have only a couple of individuals that you consider "real friends".
You teach strong family values. Keep your feet planted in them, but don't
overlook a bad situation when it does happen.

- - - - - - - - -

Not a bad thing to hear on an early morning :)

I Am Really Darn Free...

I am suppose to be doing my translation homework now. But... inspiration is here, why waste?

I was asked by my friend if he should call back, or write back, what will I do?

......

I will scold him.

I will ignore his sms-es.

I... Probably will renew the friendship with him.

I will cry, again.

I will be lost, again.

......

Ok, bash me if you want to. This is what I feel as of today. Who knows what will happen down the line, right?

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

I realised my nokia phone is dying when I can't hear my boss on the other line this morning when she called me. My phone has lost it's voice.

Am contemplating whether should I go take up a Starhub line, or to renew Singtel line when getting a new phone.

With Starhub, I can get a cheaper phone and free incoming calls. But I will have to pay for 2 lines until September (so that I can cut off Singtel). It's a new 2 years.

With Singtel, I will have to add $100 to the phone that I will buy. I won't have to hold 2 phones. It's another 2 years.

It's Valentine's period. Got promotion? But they come in pairs leh. Sianz.

Argh.

Smiling At Myself

I got an email in my mailbox today. To go to Friendster.

Yes, finally I am going there. Come to think of it, it's not as scarey as I made it out to be previously.

So I log in and went to the inbox, went to read the message. Some SP kid said he randomly found my blog and wants me to go visit a website about the story of 2 JC kids. I clicked on the link, but it didn't bring me anywhere. Was going to write to tell the guy about that, but reckon I can do it later.

AND THEN. I saw HIS face in the inbox. Proceeded to click on the checkboxes next to them and click on "delete". It went on for about 2 or 3 pages. Before I click on the delete the last message, I clicked on his name to go to his profile out of curiosity. Ok, out of kpo-ness, or not-willing-to-let-it-go-ness. Whatever.

Last Login: 24 hours
Number of friends: 280

That's all I need to know. He is still living his life like nothing has happened. And is progressively acquiring new friends.

I had fallen in love with a Player. And a Christian Player. I recalled, he did make some mention about how his friends commented that he was different from the nerd that he used to be in secondary school. That he is better with girls... So this is it.

- - - - - - -

On the way home after class today, I had to stand at the seat taken by a man/woman who dressed strangely and reeks of heavy body odour on the bus. Looks like he/she has not taken a shower for a long time. Of course, nobody dares to sit next to him/her, and I am the brave one who chose to stand next to the seat.

While trying hard not to make eye contact with that person, I look elsewhere and started to reflect on my return to Friendster today.

"So much for all the pining and the silly tears. I was swept away by a Player. A Player."

It's much easier to let the past go now. Obviously this person is not tied down with critical illness or physically incapabilities or difficult social life that he cannot communicate with other people. And he chose to ignore me. He chose to abandon. For reasons I will never know.

I did my part to my best ability in that affair as far as I know. If he did not see those, then I also have nothing to say. Anyway, I know I am accountable to God in the things that I did. And I am very sure he will be held accountable for what he did to me when he meet Him too.

- - - - - - - - - -

Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.......

Is this an experience I have to acquired so that I can help others with similar experience in the future? I have a feeling it will be so.

Somehow, I always believe that all these hard experiences that I have in life will be useful when I use it to counsel others, when they come to me.

Well, I did tell God I want to be a Barnabas, an Encourager to others, right? I guess He is putting me on OJT.

:)

Module 2 of Translation Class Has Started

1. Teacher is a hardcore _Chinese_. He openly express his desire for a smoke break, when a classmate request for breaktime during lesson.

2. Teacher look very stressed.

3. Teacher talked alot on the theories of translation. But those points are useful.

4. The more I know, the more I realise I dunno (about the art of translation). Take for example the word "good". How many ways can you translate it into Chinese, besides using "好”？You'd be surprise the number of ways it can be translated.

5. When class is over, I switched my mobile profile to the normal ringing tone. I remembered during the last lesson of the last module, he called me after class and the phone call accompanied me on the bus along the way home. And we continued to chat after. That call was one of our initial get to know each other calls.
Now no more liao.

6. Yes, I do miss him.

I Am Trying To Act Nonchalent...

... To the advertisements and the hearts, big and small, displayed in shopping centres.

... When I saw the different different heart shaped pendants displayed at Perlini's yesterday. I tried to get pass romantic connotations attached to the silver. But I can't. I am just not in a situation to buy a heart. It's just so ironic.
Maybe that's why I am not a heart-shape fanatic. I don't owe anything heart-shaped. I give them away.

... To the email Sentosa sent this morning. They want to inform me about how I can spend my Valentine's Day. Thanks for remembering me, dear island. I have to say "No, thanks". But I'll probably pay you a visit sometime in the next few weeks. To have a skin graft.

... To the radio ads announcing the invitation for couples to go and try on a pair of rings at Centrepoint. My cough is a great sound drowner. Or I need to go to the toilet.

... To the RISIS advertismements to encourage young lovers to get jewellery from them. I see on the papers and in bus shelters. They are very nicely done, so nice they look like copycats from Perlini Silver.


(to be continued...)

Was It Because I Was Too Nice?

Because of what happened last night, I cried again last night.

It's funny, because it just happened like that.

First P. and I met up with J. and some friends of V for dinner. Technically, the original arrangement was that I asked P. if she want to hang out. She asked where and somehow, J. got into the picture, and we were asked to join them at the teahouse for some sing song.

Dinner at the porridge place was fine when it first started with just the 3 of us. Then, people we do not know of came to join in one by one. It was getting awkward, so we decided to go off first. Then the night went on, there were some drama in between. By the time we left the place, it was 2 plus. When I reached home, dad was watching tv in the dark, mom called me to her room and told me don't push my luck (of staying late).

After washing up, my mind was still awake, so I put on the soundtrack of "Le Choristes". Just want to make sure the music play well on a player, as some of the tracks skipped in my work Mac. As the choir boys sing, I pull out the necklace I purchased from Perlini's earlier with some office gift exchange Christmas gift vouchers and kinda admire it. "Kinda" cos it took less than a minute, before I put it back into the box again. I was looking for something else to occupy my mind as it was wondering and reflecting what happened earlier.

Then I remembered when some of the songs were sang at the KTV, I was looking at the lyrics and reflecting on it. Some songs sang about someone asking someone how is she getting on after years of her departure, as he still thinks of her and no one can replace her. Some songs about wanting to be an angel in someone's fairytale. Some songs sang about love lost. One of them, I forgotten what song, maybe it's the Jay Chou one, "Coral Sea", caused me to teared.

So my thoughts wondered. Mentally preparing myself for the next day's class, I plug in my mobile to have it charged. It was drained of battery and when it was switched on, Singtel informed me that there were 9 calls made to my phone from "Home". I don't know how to get this thru to them. I am 32 this year and I am single, I can stay out late and keep safe. I am not being "guo fen" by staying out late, once a month. What's the fuss? I'll still do it again.

Turned off the lights. Some songs in the soundtrack stirred up the pent up remains of the unsolved mystery of my encounter last week. I started to sob. And sob. And once again, I cried helplessly at the gushes of thoughts asking why.

I remembered taking a peep at one of the MSN conversations I saved of him before deleting them away. They are sweet words. Really Sweet day to day ordinary conversations lovers would write to one another. But looking at them again brings spates of irony and spite. I quickly deleted all of them away. It's just so sour just reading them.

Why did he drop it without giving reason? Why did he affirm that we go "official" only to abandon the whole thing a week later? Why does a "nice person" like me got treated this way? What did I do wrong? Was I too nice? Why does a man of God does such a thing, if he is a man of God as he sounds he is? Why does he bother to be nice to me?

I guess the emotions got stirred because I've finally told the story to people who do not read my blog. People whom I had wanted to announce excitedly that "I am seeing someone" or "I am bringing a friend along" when the time is right. And the right time didn't come, and I had to tell them of a failed one month relationship instead.

The soundtracks in "Le Choristes" are very good for crying. The voices of the boys are comforting to a depressed heart, and uplifting. Thanks to Eric for putting it in his car. I decided the minute I heard track 2 that this is THE CD I am getting to boost my depressed heart. All other love songs just aren't the right thing for me. Too sad, too lovey.

It's still too early for me to declare that I am over with pining. I guess it will take the same amount of time of building the love in me to wash away the disappointment.

Interesting Observation

Go see. I think the situation is the same here as it is in the United States.

Going Clinical

As you can tell. Pink is SO out for me. I want something just plain and simple.

Yes I know it's a really PLAIN blog. I just felt like changing it. While changing it, I was telling myself, I could do so much more... I mean, I WAS a web designer, goodness! Surely I could do better than THIS.

But I relented cos I will never be able to do better than this. Because I am just too lazy to go think of something to fill up all this white space.

- - - - - - - - -

As you can tell, I have many many time to spare on my hand. I said "many", because I can literally count the hours and minutes and seconds I have spent re-doing this "pattern".

The thought of "Friendster" came up many times. Maybe I should update my pictures. Maybe I should update my profile. But I don't want to look like I am "trying too hard" to relive my life since the dump.

And I also loathe the thought of returning to the inbox to see HIS face in there, and then I gotta delete the messages one by one. And then "unintentionally" read the messages. WHICH will bring back memories, WHICH will then generate noises depicting my disappointment coming out of my mouth.

The last I check, he has been going there every day. I have made up my mind not to return there unless I got new messages or testimonials or whatever. I mean, he doesn't even bother to reply the last message I sent him asking for an explanation, right? He wouldn't care if I return to the site or not.

I am history.

Am still trying to get use to the chunks of time that is suddenly shoved to me. I know what I ought to do with those times, but I still don't feel like doing them.

Good thing class starts this Thursday.

Think tonight I will turn in early.

Too Quick To Assume

With reference to DW's comment in I Got It Out Today :

I thought my translation class will span over V day next week. But due to mis-calculation, I was wrong. The class ends a day before V day. So, yeah, I am not spared from the "festivities" of the season. I will not be doing late night assignments then, I reckoned.

My "well-meaning" colleagues and boss will be asking me what will I be doing that night. And I will reply them that I am going home.

Standard answer as always. I mean, it's not as if there has been any difference for the past 31 years :)

I am not particularly affected by the "love is in the air" kinda lovey-dovey ambience. I mean it. Kinda immune to it. I will probably just use this time to reflect on the different perspectives of "love". Yeah, getting all philosophical :)

DW: I'll use the line again, with some editing.

The cut has become a scar. Visible but painless.

- - - - - - - -

A new thought came to me today. There is no such thing called The Perfect Person (yeah, what's new). What I've been through was the closest I can get near to perfection. And it did not give me a perfect ending.

- - - - - - - -

A friend called today. He's getting married. You know when he first got together with that girl, we bet they wouldn't last beyond 6 months. Because to us, the girl is very unsuitable for him. For reasons not suitable to be mentioned here.

So anyway, they are getting married.

Funny how things turn out to be huh? What we count is not what heaven count (direct translation from Chinese idiom).

We (think we) have it all figured out, but destiny has a different sum to the equation of Life.

Do You Watch "Grey's Anatomy"?

I watched it tonight, after 4 weeks of absence. Caught it after "Desperate Housewives" season 2 debut. I missed quite alot of the DH cos I was trying to get the flowers I bought to go into the new vases I got from IKEA, hence, can't comment much on DM. Except maybe that unforgettable moment when Bree lifted her dead husband from the coffin and replace his tie (the one his mom says has sentimental value cos he values the school) with Lynette's hubby's one. Very DH. Very cool. Bree actually could do it calmly, as always, making all things perfect. Oh, then there was the other scene when Lynette went for an interview with her baby Penny in tow. She managed to impress the boss and got hired. Well, we don't know what kinda job she will be in yet, though we heard her office is somewhere down the the end of the corridor.

Anyway, back to Grey's Anatomy. (For those who do not know, GA is like ER, only not as gan cheong in the Op Theatre and less dramatic when it comes to surgical scenes). Meredith (Grey) summarised the epsiode with what she began with. Something about a quote by Benjamin Franklin to seize the day, or something to that effect. That somehow we like to defy what the ancients, what our parents, what proverbs have written about. We like to procrastinate and delay. But rightfully we should try, to seize the day, to do know than to wonder...

Chim? Haha... Just some personal reflections. I've been telling myself not to procrastinate and to be more assertive when making decisions. But end up, I make the wrong hasty decisions and drag on the important ones.

Sheer foolishness.

- - - - - - - - -

You know, I realised that I have grown up a little today? My sister sms me in the evening to tell me that she has miscalculated the installments for the computer, THIS month should be the final payment, not the last one. And that she hope that I would transfer the money over to her acct (we are using HER credit card for the payment). The first thing I saw the message was that I am going to reply her "WHAT? But you told me..."

However, after i typed "WHAT?", i pressed the cancel button on the phone. I just felt there is no point for me sending that message, cos it will cause misunderstanding. Might as well do the transfer of money to her account and let her know once it's done and don't say anything.

So, I thought I did a good job. Maybe I should have done the transfer earlier. She just MSN me and told me about the payment thingy. So, I told her i know about it and I thought it was suppose to be over last month. Hence, I spent more during CNY this year. She offer to pay, but I told her nevermind I will pay. Then she say she was trying to help, but since i say nevermind, she got nothing to say.

(WHAT?) I didn't expect her to say anything what. She said she was trying to help, and if it's not appreciated, so be it.

(Wa kaoz!) "Look, i am not trying to stir up dissentment or dissatistfaction. if you want to feel this way, there is nothing i can do"

.................

And I thought I could give myself a pat on the back for holding back my insensitivity. I got misunderstood anyway.

So you tell me, what's the point of being "nice"?

(Still fighting that cough. The wake-up-from-date-from-hell worked well. My body is stronger, and I ate more. Quite sure the cough wil go off soon. Am thankful already that the fever is gone. Thank you, God.)

Climbing Out Of The Dumpster

Today I deleted his numbers.

Yes, I know. A tiny part of me was still hoping that his heart will change. What to do, that's the kind of foolishness a woman would do for the person she has affections for. Yesterday I kept a small part of me for hoping.

But the hope expired this morning. While taking a cab to church this morning, I took up my mobile and deleted both his mobile number and his home number. I thought I ought to just blanko everything out.

The mobile number is still fresh on my mind. On and off, I will practice lines in my mind. Lines to insult him if he does call.

Yes, I do think that he may call still, at this time. Sheer Stupidity. Sheer Foolishness.

Anyhow, that's that. His face does flash across my mind few times when my mind was not thinking of anything particular at any moment. I will then quickly dismiss the thought, and concentrate on what I was doing.

I remember in one of the scene in a Chinese movie, someone told this girl, that if one day, she unintentionally think of the man (who broke her heart) when she is in the shower (or doing some chore), it means that she has already forgotten about the man.

I think I will have that moment in the future. I am just waiting for the memory to drip dry of it's freshness and dries into an insignificant imprint, then etched into history.

- - - - - - - - -

I still have this thought in my mind.

Many people thinks I belong to them, but have they thought that they belong to me too?

Many people thinks that I can do things for them, but have they done things for me?

If you follow this line of thought, you will know what am I getting at.

Maybe I am really expecting too much from others. Maybe they did offer to help, offer to be with me, just that I am just too proud to say I need company. I need someone to be with me.

- - - - - - - - -

I don't want to be a strong, independent woman. But I have to put on my protective cover because of the experiences I have with people. I have to protect myself, I have to put on the hard as steel cover, because I have been treaded on too many times.

- - - - - - - - -

Today I spent a good time at friend's house, watching the modern version of Ah Wang (you know, the HK serial where this Guo Jing An is a gong dai boy, with Xuan Xuan as his wife?) And then went to watch I Not Stupid 2.

While watching INS2, I was reminded the conversation I had with Abel K. this morning outside the sanctuary during service. I'm just surprised that this boy, who really drove me up the wall when I was teaching him the last 2 years, has no problems discussing the rationales of different commercial movies with me. I am reminded of the kind of ease tweens have when they talk to me about facts of life, and their openess to hear what I have to say about what they think.

Something for me to think about.

Meantime, life goes on. If the cough doesn't get better tmr, I will have to go see Doctor Tan again to get anti-biotics.

At least, I am thankful now I am not helpless on bed and depressed.

" You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul"

- from Helen Reddy "I Am Woman" -

I Got It Out Today

Ok, my dear readers. Especially to those who have been following my previous entries of The Plan faithfully (haha.. as if there are alot of you). I want to declare to all of you, that

I have been DUMPED in The Plan.

Yeah, dumped. Think Ally Mcbeal being thrown into the big garbage truck-kinda dumped. All and all, in a month.

Took you by surprise eh? Haha... Yeah, I didn't expect it myself. I thought everything was plain sailing until I never hear from the jerk again after the 3rd day of CNY. SMS messages were ignored, calls were rejected.

After a great deal of sobbing to myself last night, I decided that today is the day I will not care about it anymore. I have done what I needed to do, and if that jerk turns out to be a bastard as he describes his predecessors, I can't help it.

I have decided that there is no point me wondering why he didn't reply to my messages or never call like he used to do in the past. No point wondering why did he not tell me why he never contact me again. No point staring into space and holding the mobile close in case he calls. Because my health is deteoriating because of all these stupid acts which he didn't even care at all.

Well, at least, thanks to him, I lost 3kg cos I lost my appetite for the past few days.

And it really didn't help that this person claims to be a believer, prayed with me over the phone, and worships in a mega church on the west of Singapore. It didn't help that when I asked God for boldness in The Plan, I was pretty sure that this was God's way of telling me "Here Child, take it, it's yours." My hopes were high, I was high. I thought finally, Significant Other is here.

I was heartbroken. I was literally staring into space the whole day during my MC thinking of nothing but him, and why did he do such a thing to me. An exact opposite of the person whom I known him as. Plus the fact that I was down with fever and a bad cough didn't help. I was mentally and emotionally drained.

The last straw came when I sms-ed him last evening and told him I really missed him and want to talk to him last night or today. And that we were suppose to meet for a City Harvest Delirious service at Expo.

There was no reply. So I cried myself to sleep. And this morning, I woke up and check the mobile. Still no messages.

Then I told myself, enough is enough. Move on. I deleted ALL his messages in my inbox. I am having a gathering with old friends today, I told myself. And I am going to enjoy it to the fullest, sans thoughts of the heartless jerk. I am not going to bring this burden with me.

True enough, I did enjoy myself over lunch. Told friends about me being dumped in a month, everybody empathised with me. They told me to 化悲愤为力量，eat as much as I can at the buffet, haha! We move on to other topics, had a great time catching up with one another. After that, follow a friend to Thomson road to buy flowers, and bought some flowers for myself. I told myself, after all this drama, I deserve to get these flowers to cheer myself up.

Later on, I went out with sisters and bros-in-law, nieces, mom and big aunty to Pearl Centre market for dinner. Went to shop around, then brought my nieces, together with sis, to watch fireworks at Riverside Angbao.

- - - - - - - - -

I felt loved. I am still surrounded by people who loves me. It was a huge mistake to hung on to one person who has no sense of accountability or responsibility, when I have people who cared for me.

It felt good to know that I have made the right decision to put that one month affair behind me and move on. Thanks to jerks such as him, I'll come back stronger, and colder, and more independent. I will be more weary of men trying to know me, Christians included.

It's just hard to believe that someone whom I likened to a man of God would do such a thing. And thats when the post of It Was Just Too Perfect came in. Things are looking too perfect and I was getting worried something bad will come out. Alas, I was right.

So anyhow, I have finally got it out of my chest, and now I emerged a stronger woman. I will not let this get me down. All the better now I do not have to worry about the dirty things about getting into a relationship and the things that you need to do thereafter... Man, I was so closed. But Phew! It missed me. :) I got my freedom back!

- - - - - - - -

You wanna know who he is? Haha... I am very tempted to reveal to you who he is. But it's not so ethical to let you know lah, hor? :))

Going to sleep liao, no more late nights. That means my cough will be better in no time. Oh, but I would like to keep the 3 kgs off, hahaha!! :)

Just In Case

Have been coughing dryly, to the point of feeling like puking (but nothing comes out), for the past week or so. The late nights have not been helping.

Went to see the doctor, and doctor detected fever, 38 degrees. If he never say, I also never realised. Now I feel weak and "high" (on fever that is). He told me to observe my cough for the next few days, cos it's unusual to have fever and cough, yet no flam or flu. "Could be pneumonia or bronchitis or (dunno what was the last one he mentioned)"

Suddenly I have the urge to write this moment down, in case I never get to document it ever again. Haha... I kinda remember one of the bloggers documented her last blog days before a rare blood disorder disease took her life away. I just want to make sure that in case people don't hear from me, at least they know what happened to me.

Of course, I will wake up tomorrow lah. I am going to go to sleep straightaway after uploading this blog. Doc gave me MC for tomorrow, cos he say got fever and cough, is virus, better stay at home to rest. Well, not that I don't want to work lah hor.. Doc wants me to rest, what to do :)

Oklah, I guess there's nothing else to write liao.

- going to bed with a tinge of sadness and disappointment -

Chinese New Year Part II

This year Chinese New Year is a very memorable one.

- Things happen within the family; things happen to another person's family.

- We bought more CNY goodies than usual to give away, of which mom hogged what was suppose to be given, and kept most to ourselves. In the end, we now have too many of these sweet and savoury.

- Guests who are expected to come did not come. Next year I won't buy so much drinks, sweets, savoury and food liao.

- I may be realising a dream to travel to do the thing that I have always wanted to do.

- I met up with my NPCC mates; this year is our 20th anniversary (after so many years of absence). There's improvement at least, I am slightly more involved in conversations. But somehow, the unfamiliarity and strangeness seemed to be growing. Maybe I should go get married and have kids...

There's another 11 days to go.