Letting It Go

I wanted It very much. Very, very much.

But I know It will not work. So I had to let It go. Reluctantly.

Even though, in a strange way, paths seemed to deliberately crossed more often than ever before, without any prior arrangement.

Even though the heart palpitates when that happens.

I hope my "It" will end when the "It" has found a place to settle.

A colleague's innocent comment. The obvious. And what can never be changed.

"It" will never be mine. I know another chapter will close quietly, months down the road.

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I did promised to write about those women. But I find it pretty difficult to pin them down one by one. So I decided not to write about it at all.

I hope I would make these characters more prominent next time I blog.

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image from inmagine.com

Just Wondering Aloud...

If the 7th of July (07.07.07) this year is the perfect date to be married,

8th of August next year (08.08.08)
would mean the wedded couple will be prosperous (8 in Chinese is read as "Fa", which means striking a fortune)...

9th of September 2009 (09.09.09)
would mean the wedded couple will be together forever (9 in Chinese is read as "Jiu", also means as long as/forever and ever)...

10th of October 2010 (10.10.10)
would mean the wedded couple will have a perfect life together (10 is perfect score in any language)...

11th of November 2011 (11.11.11)
.. Well, maybe it's easy to remember 111111...

12th of December 2012 (12.12.12)
Same reason as 11 November 2011?...

So if you want to get married, give birth to a child/children, these are good to remember dates. They only come once in a millenium, don't say I never tell you har....

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I got home rather early today. And I've never felt as bored as I had.

The dinner show my mom watches on cable is one of the many Taiwanese shows she love to catch. Family intrigues, CEOs against Director, Director against Vice President, the triads against the innocent, people die, people get sick, people plotting to revenge... All the melodrama.

Boring.

At the same time, I tried very hard to keep my hands off tidbits and coffee. These are great boredom chasers, but I decided not to rely on them.

An incident in the office today pinged me, reminding me that I must not let my translation skills slipped away. I shouldn't let my valuable assets slip through my own hands. So I took out a translation copy I started some months ago, and continued my translation.

(A friend had asked me to translate a testimonial piece by a former churchmember in PC, as the original was in Chinese. I had taken advantage of the fact that she told me to take my time, and felt guilty whenever I was reminded of the task.)

I decided to stop after an hour and promised myself to continue the translation, a portion at a time, at any day I am available. I need to keep this practice going. It will be very helpful to me in my next job search.

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I need only to hold on in my job till the end of this year (when my repayment of my tution fees are done), and I will start my job hunt. The boss has been giving ridiculous comments on the jobs that I am working on. The others in the office have been tolerating this for years, probably because most of them are married and they need the stability of the job. But I find that the company is not worthy of me staying on. Work done is not recognised by practical and fair remuneration. What I do is similar to what my bosses do, but unfortunately, I do not get the same treatment as they enjoy. I see that I will stagnate in this environment.

And I want out.

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So, back to the boredom part. We share a computer at home, my brother and I. Don't see the necessity to get another one (anyway, he'd have to buy one himself if he wants to have it all to himself, since technically speaking, I own this desktop. But I don't see that coming).

While waiting for him to finish his "slot", I find myself overwhelmed with boredom. I did not know what to do with my hands, my eyes, my ears. There's a panging voice inside that says, do something, anything. But I just didn't have the motivation to do anything. I didn't even want to eat tidbits, or watch tv. I just lie on my bed, staring into space. I turned on the radio, and lie back again.

Absolute boredom. Absolute emptyness.

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Then I thought to myself, "You haven't been talking to anyone on the phone for a pretty long time huh?" I had to admit that is true. My communciation with others has always been meeting up face-to-face, or on MSN. I hardly call people up nowadays. Firstly, I am not a good phone person. I prefer to talk face-to-face. Secondly, most of my friends have partners or family, so it wouldn't be nice to hog their family time. Those free and easy ones... I don't know, I just don't know how to carry on a conversation over the phone with them.

Or is this a social stigma? The fruits of modern technology?

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My recent dealings with many women had me thinking of writing something about the varieties of women. I think I will write it in the next post.

The Gift Of The Ability To Shut Up

Sometimes, hanging out with my friends/sisters and their husband/boyfriends can be a pretty exasperating experience for me.

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I've just returned from a meeting with a couple. While on the way home in their car, we passed by a Hongkong Cafe. The wife mentioned "So many Hongkong cafes nowadays!", the husband responded,"All are just bubble tea." I expressed my view, "No, they don't just sell bubble tea, they sell other things too!".

The husband: No, bubble tea.
Me: No, they have other items too.
The husband: I mean it's like the bubble tea thing, will go off.
Me: I didn't know you meant THAT...
The husband: Only shallow people will think that I meant bubble tea, anyone would know it's the concept I mean...

He then rattled on with his thoughts about the bubbletea concept, of which I immediately switched off, kept silent and looked out to the passing scenery as he go on and on... I am officially pissed.

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No way, God, am I going to marry a man like that. And thank you, God, that so far, I do not have to worry about this kind of behaviour expressed to my friends by my significant other.

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It's not the first time I kena from this man. Many times during our conversations, he would ignore what I have to say and push his speech through. I felt being put down by him, like he knows much more than me, he is the smarter one, and I am the stupid one, and I/we should listen to him. Snobbish.

In cases like these (it applies not just to the men I know, but also to the women I come across), in fact I know many people who are like that, I would not contribute to the conversation anymore because I realised that this people are not listening. Irritated, I'd keep quiet and let the speaker talk his/her heart out. And let them listen to their own voices.

A silent protest is much more powerful than trying to convince them by engaging in a debate.What you do to me is a true reflection of who you are, so if you do not know that your behaviour is irritating others, I'd let you realise that yourself. I am not going to spend MY time fighting over YOUR problem.

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Hence, I am thankful that God gave me the gift of refraining my speech. And the ability to forget about such things till the next incident occur. And the patience to go through the nonsense over and over again, for the sake of my friends. Lots and lots of patience.

But more so, I am thankful that I do not have a boyfriend or a husband like that to feel embarassed for. I cannot accept this kind of behaviour in a man who will be involve in my family life or friendships. Self-centredness and self-praise has no place in my world.

Pride is not self-endorsed. It is a reward given to you when your effort/achievement/wisdom are recognised by others.

This is just one of the example I saw in husbands/boyfriends that is enough to get me shudder in frightening thought that I may end up with a husband/boyfriend like that.

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Lord, honesty and kindess are things that are must-haves in my criteria. I cannot be with a man who thinks the world of himself and belittle others. No snob for me please. He may not be a perfect saint, but at least, if he love me, he will be kind to the people who are my family and friends.

Lord, please, please, please... Please don't send me Egoman or Snobman.

Amen!

Bored?

Gossip Column I discovered

+http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/+

The things celebrities do...

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Johnny Depp in Japan, Part 1



Johnny Depp in Japan, Part 2



The kids are soooooo adorable! After watching the video, yours truly was inspired to include The Black Pearl in radioblog :D

Here's To A Food Eating Weekend

I know it's been a while since I posted something, but I didn't realise it had been about 5 days since my last post! :P

It's snippets today because I can't really elaborate too much and I want to be in bed early. So here we go...

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We had our company dinner at +Brewerkz+ last Friday. Nope, the bill wasn't foot by the boss. They used vouchers (now where do they get all these vouchers from?!). The venue was decided because some of the guys prefer beer than dinner (yeah, strange). It was a very good dinner ('cept for the beef burger. TERRIBLY dry), but hmm... the voucher part was kinda... ("You mean if there were no vouchers, do we eat somewhere else?" (--")

Sorry, no pictures here cos I was too busy downing some beer and gobble the food when they arrived. Just go imagine: Buffalo wings, grilled chicken wings, Portabello mushrooms, calamari, potato skins, brownie, apple crumble, very-dry well-done beef burger, some beef ribs... So you get what I mean when I say, "it was all good" eh?

After that I headed to Mediya supermarket to meet P as we were buying some "ingredients" that we need to "fix" the bridegroom the next day. She had wasabi at home, so we got 99% coco chocolate, super lemon sweets, lime and grapfruit juices. Went home after that. Have no idea why I slept at 2am.

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The next day, I got up at 5am to get ready to head to the nearby hotel for the wedding thingy. And imagine my frustration at this time of the day when the dress I was suppose to wear split on the sides! No, I did not grew sideways overnight! I've tried the dress the night before and spotted some rip edge too. I do not reckon the dress was so old and tattered enough to be torn. Fortunately (with the so-many experiences I have as a "sister" of the bride) my wardrobe has a few pieces of "back-up". Pftt...

Head to get our breakfast at Mcdonald's. Asked for extra jam and maple syrup for the activity. And upon arrival at the hotel, things start to roll. We had to "block" the bridegroom before he go pick up his bride at the lobby. He had to eat the ingredients listed above (all representations of the Chinese words "sour", "sweet", "bitter" and "spicy") as a symbol that they will weather all kinds of challenges in life together (actually, it's pretty standard stuff). We had a little more fun on him and his "brothers" before he went to get the bride.

The day then went on with the also-standard following the couple to the bridegroom's house for tea ceremony. We (entourage of brothers, sisters + photographer + videographer) waited there for a long time for the family to take their family pictures and stuffs. In between, we were entertained by the photographer, annoyed by the amateur videographer ("my wedding hor, we don't do like that one... my wedding hor, we did this... my husband hor... I don't allow him hor...my wedding hor, we did that leh" Duh.), and got to know the two "brothers" of the bridegroom. What to do, we had nothing to do. After that, we returned to the hotel to take care of their belongings before heading to our homes to rest.

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I made a record of stopping after the 4th course in a 8 course wedding dinner because I was terribly bloated with the 3 bowls of sharksfin-with-hardly-any-sharksfin soup during the wedding dinner. I stopped at 2, but was made to clear food with the 3rd. So I let dishes of prawns, chicken passed me by after that.

We went to karaoke after the dinner. But before we took off, I spotted this public coin phone in that hotel that I no longer see in my estate, and almost extinct. So I took a picture of it :D

Went home at 4am this morning :D

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Despite having only 4 hours of sleep, I was pretty alert during church service today. During service, I realised that the pastor that I +hugged earlier+ was actually a world bowling champion previously, no wonder I find her face so familiar. Had a craving for some fried chicken wings when I left the service, but I didn't want to eat chunky KFC. Was trying to make a decision to buy or not to buy when I realised something.

Well, there's some seasoned breadcrumbs that I bought from Daiso I haven't used yet. I could make MY OWN FRIED CHICKEN WINGS. Tee-hee! :D So joyfully, I quicken my step on the rainiy morning and look for olive oil and chicken wings at NTUC .

When I reached home, I washed the wings and began to season them in two ways, one with honey and the other with soya sauce, pepper and sugar (I had to ask my bro for the receipe for seasoning, goodness me!). After they were seasoned for about half hour or so, I breaded the wings, baked the honey and fried the soya sauce wings.

Being the non-cook that I am, I didn't add enough olive oil for the frying and there were alot of black bits of the breadcrumbs :S Fortunately, the pan wasn't burnt. But overall, I think I did well, my mom and brother liked what I did. I guess I could do it again next time! :D

On left is the honeyed wing, and on the right, the partially blackened wings. But they both taste good! :D So proud of myself.

Sorry, the later part of the entry was rather messy, because the Z Monster is at my back.

I'll stop here.

Of A Funeral , A Wedding And A Single Adult

This is one bizarre week.

One of my friend was to conduct her customary wedding on the 30th of this month. However, bthe doctor had told the family that he will not last very long. Being the very Chinese traditional girl she is, and wanting to let her father see her get married before he passed on, both she and her husband decided to bring forward the wedding date.

Some of us met up with her last friday just to catch up and stuffs, and to do some small discussion about the wedding. Last night, we got an sms from her. Her dad had passed away peacefully last night. The funeral will be on this Thursday.

The wedding will still carry on as usual this Saturday. The wake began yesterday. I just came back from the wake. Her family looked alright. Mother and 4 daughters. I guess having gone through may rounds of "could've beens", they were pretty much prepared for it, and weren't visibly emotional. Not to say that they were not sad, but I guess they had knew it was coming, probably have had their hearts sorrowed many times before to know that today is the day that they could lay down their sorrows once and for all.

The group of us had a great time catching up with one another (that's what people do nowadays to catch up, strangely, in weddings and funerals). They served their visitors with a very traditional dinner:



Remember karlee kuay (curry chicken), and kong bar bao (braised pork bun)? These are traditional snacks served in Chinese funerals. We grew up eating these stuffs. I had to take a picture to remember such things. Nowadays, most funerals come with more "classier" buffet, but I guess being nostalgic, I still think traditional stuffs are better.

Then, there were more chatter before we head down to Happy Valley for supper. J did not eat the food at the wake (some thing he believed he shouldn't do at funerals) and we continued from there. Lotsa chatter, lotas laughter.

And I broke my strict regime of no food after 8pm :( After we parted, I decided I need to walked home for the sake of my super-full stomach. Upon arrival and done with my cleaning up, I quickly popped 2 capsules of enzyme tablets. Now I feel much better.

I don't want a protruding tummy to accompany me to the wedding! It's this Saturday. And I have a company dinner this Friday! Gosh. I wonder how will I get by. I really need to watch it for the next couple of days. Really watch it.

So there you go. A funeral. A wedding. All in the same week. In the same family.

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Somehow, during an MSN conversation this afternoon, the topic drifted to my singlehood. I started to write really depressive and negative liners. Like even a leader of a nearby country got remarried within 2 years after he was widowed, and I didn't even have an anyone in between. Like in 30 years on, I will die alone in an empty apartment; or if I get runned down by a car or struck by lightning this instant, I will die a single person; and that I am not gifted with celibracy, more like stucked with singlehood.

And the self-condemnation went on and on and on...

I can't help it. I find no evidence that "God will provide". I'm sorry, it doesn't look like it is happening, and I have lost my ability to hope for such things. I will just put on a brave front and pretend it didn't matter.

Because telling them means rubbing more salt. Even my mother, who has spared me on such things for the longest time, has been asking me to go get someone. Like HELLO... who wants to date a giant Christian woman? I told her bluntly that nobody-wants-me repeatedly when she brought the topic up again and again.

So yep, that's it.

The Tap On The Shoulder

I marked down,

"... the tests will be continuous and intensified..."

"the tests are for us to see our hearts..."

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This is the second time God answered the silent desire in my heart with a tap on the shoulder.

The first was when I asked him how can I serve Him (in the PC) when I was working on rotating shifts in the retail line. After a certain service, I was desperate for Him to give me an answer so that I fill up the church ministry form, I prayed and I waited. Someone tapped my shoulder shortly after, and my involvement in the children's ministry begun that day.

Today, I got a tap on my shoulder too, when the church service ended (I normally appear in church alone, and leave alone). I turn around a saw this girl (I think lady is not that fitting for that cheery smile she gave to me). She introduced herself to me and the introduced her group of friends - mostly young/working adults, we chat a little about myself and them. And we had lunch together, and vola! I got to know more people today.

He knew I had this secret desire to be involved, to belong. He knew the kind of group I want to be in, where I could fit in. I desired for this, but I wasn't actively asking Him for it. In my mind, I thought, if it happens, good lor, if I end up in a all-women's group in the end, I'll try to adjust.

(At this point, I want to disclaim that I have no objections to all-women groups. They have their unique way of ministering to ladies/working women. But... I don't belong to that category ... :P I am way too goofy to belong to the ladies group :P)

He knew my heart, and He (finally) brought down the curtains and showed me what he has prepared for me.

I am grateful.

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Oh yes. My desktop is running on 768MB of RAM now. Tee-hee! :D

The Songs Rotating

In case you wonder why I have "Christmastime is here" on my radioblog, it's because I vividly remember that it was the soundtrack of a certain movie. But nobody can tell me which movie was it from.

Then, after I got my Peanuts DVD, I did some research on the entire series. It was a nice surprise to discover that the song was the intro to "A Charlie Brown Christmas" movie. So I was right afterall.

It's no wonder nobody can identify the song as a sound track. It was a 1965 movie. And the song was definitely not done by Sixpence None The Richer - they were probably not born yet.

Anyhow, I love the song. So yeah, it's now rotating on my Ipod Nano. Amongst the new songs you see.

Enjoy! :D

Christmas Time Is Here Lyrics
Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all that children call
Their favorite time of the year

Snowflakes in the air
Carols everywhere
Olden times and ancient rhymes
Of love and dreams to share

Sleigh bells in the air
Beauty everywhere
Yuletide by the fireside
And joyful memories there

Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

+(Found an old piece of news about the Christmas movie here, at USATODAY online.)+

From 256 To 512

... Random Access Memory a.k.a RAM that is.

One of the item on the wedding projects was to do a video presentation of the couple. However, Microsoft Movie Maker keep crashing on me (My old copy of ADOBE PREMIER ain't working on XP, and I have no time to look for other softwares). On another note, this machine has been running on rather slowly lately.

I decided, enough was enough. So I did my own little research on RAM. Didn't realise that I have only 256MB of RAM in my computer! (In case you wonder why I don't know... I am a expert software user, not a hardware fanatic) No wonder...

Next, I look up for DIY resources online on how to increase the RAM. +Crucial Technologies+ is a very helpful site. It has an online scanner that not only tells me what I have on board, it even recommends the suitable RAM for purchase! But of course, I am not going to order online from America. I decided to source my own locally.

Being the make-sure-it's-safe person that I am, I decided to start small. So I ebay-ed for the smallest RAM available that runs on the recommendation from Crucial Technologies. The seller was pretty prompt in his responses and I received my first stick of 256 RAM today (bought it on Sat).

I wasn't very unsure at first, and was scared that I would be electrocuted (yeah, yeah, whatever you are thinking...). The computer did not detect the extra memory in the first few trials. Then I realised that I had to push the memory onto the slot. And Vola!

I am just so gleeful that I've fixed it! I am so proud of myself. C'mon, how many girls you know fix their own RAMs? Some guys don't even know how to to do that!

:) Yeah, so it's another happy treat for me. I've requested for another 256 RAM from the seller, because DIMM works better in pairs (whatever DIMM means). I am not doing any gaming, so I guess it's enough. For now. If I am ever hungry for more RAM, I guess I can go ebay shopping again.

256 yesterday, 512 today, and possibly 768 the day after. :) MENTAL NOTE: I need to clean the inside of computer too.

Glee...! :D

I Am A Happy Girl!

My friend just brought back an entire series of PEANUTS animated cartoon for my viewing pleasure! :D

I had requested him to purchase the DVD set for me while in China, since the online store ran out of stock. And none of the video stores here carrythe cartoon series in Singapore. I mean, it's unbelievable. There's Garfield, Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny, Sylvester the Cat... BUT NO PEANUTS DVD AVAILABLE HERE!

The nerve! :P

Anyway, I am just happy that I am a proud owner of AN ENTIRE series of PEANUTS animated cartoon series. 20 CDS x 3 episodes each = estimated 60 episodes! Wowee... And it's not lousy quality, ya know. It's branded under Pony Canyon. And the best part is... It works! :D

I am a Happy Girl!

Image of Snoopy and Charlie Brown from Snoopy.com

Filling In The Spaces

Since the last post, I've been slacking. Not wanting to dwell too much. Waiting for the dusts to settle before I re-look at them again. In-between, I've watched Pirates of the Caribbean part 3 and Shrek 3. Also saw A Japanese Story (Toni Collette's in it) on dvd. Lotsa food. Bedok Bar Chor Mee, Otah, Satay. Supper with Mayday (my friends are fans, so I accompany them) at Tiong Bahru, Japanese food. Ben & Jerry's. Gawd! they have discontinued Dublin Mudslide! I've just begun to fall in love with it! :(

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I am still dealing with those issues that I have written last week. Nothing miraculous happened to take away those issues. They are still with me. In my mind, in my heart.

You would agree with me that nothing in this world is perfect. Not everything will happen the way we planned it, the way we anticipated it, or the way we want it to be. That's life, that's how God made it.

I've taken time to ponder those issues that have arose, and trying to measure my perspective of the happenings against God's perspectives. I compared my previous experiences with people and look at what I will need to deal in the present time. It came to my realisation that I have my own demons to deal with first before I take on the others.

So I am doing a double. Handling my own awkwardness within me, and dealing with the external issues at the same time.

It's sad to live in the reality that this world is a disappointment... The cruelty, sadness, harshness of men. If a normal human being like me is feeling this way, imagine the sorrow God has to deal with everyday, of this world that He has created to love.

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As for the church issue...

I was reminded this week, that I go to church not because of the people in the church, but for fellowship with God, and to give out to others what He has given me. Human beings are imperfect, and focusing on their fault is not the sole purpose of being in God's community. Enough said.

Where there are none, I want to be the some. Where there are old, I want to be the new. Where there are disappointments, I sure can help with a little bit of encouragement. Where there are disruptions, I hope to a part of the party to make peace. If people are leaving because of people problems, I want to stay for God.

I like to be different :) I don't want to take anyone's sides but God's. Yes, it's true that sometimes when I am too lazy to make a decision, I go with the flow. But after so many experiences, it's time I see the needs of the people and follow God's flow.

I will stay. I will tell my friend my response to her comments after these reflections. At the end of the day, she will have to account to God with her decisons, and I'll have mine to account too.

Meantime, people problems ensue. We will deal with them one by one.