Tekan Queen

While I was the "sister" of a church friend's wedding (at her home and during the dinner), I discovered:

1) There are lesser and lesser single "brothers" of the groom now. Often, they are married, or attached... That means... we will hv uncles backing up the bridegroom in the future...

2) I reckon I am the safest person to give the biggest "tekan-ing". Given that I am not going to be married in near future, or for that matter, ever after...

That means I should tekan people as much as I want to, cos it'll never be my turn to be tekan-ed "on my wedding". Let's see now.. in 2 weeks time there's another wedding dinner... is there a website for bridegroom tekan-ing online... anyone knows?

3) Somehow, it comes naturally that I would have disillusions of what I would do on my wedding, when I observe how other people do their wedding.

I am not a "wedding" desperado. I just like to imagine how I would do certain things. Simply bo-liao-nothing-to-do activity.


There isn't really much singles left to be wedded now... Finally this phase has arrived. Not alot of sister act to do and not alot of angpows to give.. good good... I can save up the money to go Europe or something, hehehe...

Tongues

Someone commented on someone's blog...
-----------------------------
don't underestimate the power of prayer =)

if you don't know what to pray for exactly, pray in tongues. in fact, any free moment just pray in tongues.
-----------------------------

I was very much tempted to reply to that post, given my now enhanced understanding of Gifts of The Holy Spirit after the various sermons in church. That last bit does not sit very well with me, I don't pray in tongues in any free moments. I don't think it works that way. Tongues are not meant to be something to do in any free moment.

However, I thought it would be a bad platform to start a debate there, given that post was a contribution to the blogger's request for tips on how to get a job. Afterall, it's not my blog, I shouldn't create chaos in the house of another person.

So I'll just reply here :)

Unless the Spirit leads you to speak in tongues, it's not beneficial to anyone to just pray in tongues in any free moment, or when they dunno what to pray.

What's the point of mumbling foreign tongues when you don't even know what are you doing, and what you speak have no connection to what you desire to speak at all?

If I am that someone, below is how I'd approach the prayer (and yes, I do speak in tongues)

Quietness before the Lord.

Preparing my requests.

Pray.

Stuck (sometimes, it would come to a point, the problem is so overwhelming, I don't know what else to pray), but I want to spend more time with God in that instant.

I pause, and I ask the Holy Spirit how can I pray more effectively for my request.

The tongue comes naturally.

After it's over, I close the prayer with my request and appeal again, verbally expressing it in the language I understand, most of time is English. Plain, simple and direct English.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

There you go. I think at the end of it, everyone understands everyone, isn't it?

Don't give up Boy, life is a big production

It was the third time the boy cheekily told his mother "Ma, Radio, Radio!" when the announcement in the train declared "Next stop: Redhill".

The mother ignored the boy. chided him to shut up, and continue talking her husband, who seemed exceedingly bored and not interested. The sister of the boy seemed to be all too used to this treatment and quietly sat at her seat. The mother had a question about the stations or something else and asked the girl, the girl answered, and the mother continued to talk to the still uninterested husband.

It was a short scene I saw on the train as I travelled to church on Sunday, yet it tells so much about this family.

I would think the mother is lethagic of days taking care of the children, given her dressing and plain hairdo. The father doesn't seem to be the appreciative or the caring sort. And poor children... each time they want to share something exciting to the parents, their enthusiasm were putted down.

But the boy kept trying. I dread the day he realised it's never going to get his parents' attention and .... stop. Give up. And I wonder how many similar cases are there in Singapore.

I sighed in my heart.

-------------------------
Gold.

After I alighted, I walked passed a China-looking women with gold dangling earrings and quickly, a slew of images flashed through my mind. It's the kind of thing you do when you are alone, maybe I DO alone, when something trigger one thought after another.

Then I concluded. Life is a big production.

Imagine someone were to stage our lives in an auditorium. If we were to display what goes through our might at the sight, or the doing, of anything, can you imagine, how much cast, props, settings, cameras, lighting would be involved?

Life is a big production. Our lives are a big production. Just look at the number of casts that came through our lives, be the stay long or short. The casts alone already is a big thing. And when their productions interwined mine. Amazing isn't it?

And the Director and Author of our lives, is none other than God. Who else, cos we cannot orchestrate our own, but to follow the directions of the Director to finish the production.

We are not our own. As opposed to common saying, we do not have the ability to control our destiny. Although we have the liberty to make decisions in our lifes, our destiny, the ultimate finished product, is simply is not submitted to our back and call.

And... that's it.

Sweet Wrapper

Argh. Gonna stay up late tonight again. And shout "Darn!" tomorrow... But I had to put this down, while I am still hyper...

Just now spent one hour plus decorating a nice "ang pow" box for a friend's wedding this Saturday. I like to gift-wrap, or wrap nice papers on gifts.. It's just so therapeautic. Why, as I was wrapping and decorating the gift, my mind stop worried about what I had to worry while concentrating on the method of wrapping and the decorations to go with the box.

As I wrap, I was wondering.. Hmmm.. if someone express interests in engaging my service, how much should I charge them... $20 a box? Plus my sourcing and ribbon tying and creatives.. should be worth that amount or more lah.. hor... cos a box like that, with no decoration, already cost $15 from Kalms at Taka... mine's chicken feet..

Some thoughts of why I love to wrap also came to mind. I reckon it is from the part of me that loves to give and give... I just keep giving people nice things, sometimes on my high expense... but it's just me. I love to give so to see the smile on their face. I love to decorate so that it makes the day of another person.

Weird huh? :) Silly even..

Anyway, below are some of the pictures I've taken of my work... I just thought I should capture it's most beautiful moment before...









And this is the Operating Theatre...





Told'ya I am hyper :)))

Maybe... I am meant to be left alone for the rest of my life

Finally remembered what I want to blog about... Two things that are related...

The one about wives and babies....

Have been hearing of or visited friends who got married, or just had a new born... and a really funny thought came to my mind when I saw the couple holding their babies or hear of them have had a new born, or see them ...

There were times when someone tried to matchmake me with the guy/guys who had become a dad... and when I look at this man and his wife, together with their baby, I am just so glad the one holding the baby wasn't me. :) Honest. I will go like "PHEW! Glad I am not his wife, glad we didn't have a relationship, glad I didn't hear the anyhow-say of others and went off with him..." I cannot imagine living my life with that person and how it's gonna be. And also, at the same time, I knew it when I say it.

That I am still not ready for this kinda chim things.. such as getting married.. have kids.. get a house... in fact, the thought of it shudders me... I mean... Yucks... I cannot imagine this kinda me happening to me and this man... glad he is somebody else's husband now.. hahaha..
:))


The one about my lamentations...

Everyday as I walk on the streets, take public transport, take the lift, go to food centres, I see them all...

There is a passage in the bible that goes like this:
----------------------------------------
Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced
that neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future,
nor any powers, neither height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us
from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
----------------------------------------

I am very tempted to invent my own verse that sounds similar to this, but has no relation to the original verse:

----------------------------------------
For I am convinced,
that neither the fat nor the thin,
neither the bitchy or the bossy,
neither the intelligent or the dumb & naive,
nor any lok-koker,
neither the beautiful or the ugly,
nor anything else you could find in all creation,

will be able to lose to Joyce
in her pursue of a relationship.
----------------------------------------

It's really true.. I see some girls who are more ordinary looking, more pimply face then me, more naive then me, more bitchy, more bossy, more intelligent, more dumb/ignorant, more tomboy, more plump, skinnier... I've seen them all.

At some point, I look at myself.. then I look at them. And I have to say, I am better than them in many ways... Generally speaking, there is nothing wrong with me. But why am I walking alone on the street whereas this person has someone to carry her bag, hold her hand, look deep into her eyes... And I have to watch out for traffic, juggling shopping bags at times, holding on to nothing, on a busy street?

How come other people can have it, and I don't have? Sometimes the way they behave makes me laugh... cos I just cannot believe, why someone who is bad-tempered, uncaring, impatient, selfish, dictative, blur, frumpy, old-fashion can have a boyfriend or even a husband, but I don't have?

It is a big question that baffles me for the longest time... Something's wrong, right? And then I was reminded of countless careless comments from people who either ask me when am I going to get hitched or couldn't believe that I do not have a boyfriend.

It's just so funnily ironic... I constantly examine my own attitude and behaviour. Nothing major-ly wrong leh.. So, what's missing in me that made me undesirable?

I have no idea. I can only look across to the girl and her partner and reflect on my own pathetic helplessness.

Pathetic Helpnessness.

Helpless.

Pathetic.

I can't remember...

Don't you hate it that you have thought of something you thought would look good on blog last night, but forgot what is it about the next day when you blog?

This is what I am feeling now.

I am quite sure it makes good blog topic.. but..

argh.

Just finished watching "Child of Our Time" on central.

I really love to watch this documentary. Maybe because I love kids. I am very concern of how they grow emotionally and mentally, subject by their parents, environemt and their own exploration of their lives and others. This documentary allows me to see how children of different backgrounds reacts to different situations, and learn.

I learn with them as well. Like the boy who notices the fire extinguisher, the train-shaped play area and the birds in the skies... He cannot interact with other children in school, because they are not in the same "frequency" as him. Or like the little girl who is too used to being with adults, who finds security in older children or teachers... Don't we feel this way in some way or another in our lives as well. I know I do. Well, we learn, as the kids do.

Anyway, this is not the main point of my blogging today.

Before I sat down to the computer, I recalled an encounter I had with a couple and their teenage daughter in their car after the Growing Kids God's Way graduation. I shared my excitment on this documentary and some conversation bits that I thought was funny.

Before that, the lady commented that I should take up the GKGW course since I am a Sunday School teacher. For a while I was stunned. I am like.. er... but I am not married. But then, to make none of us look bad (or in other words, to make her intentions sounds as if she missed out the MAIN objective of the course), I told her that the course is suppose to be done by 2 persons. The husband added that this course needs to be practice at home, and I added that we only have limited time with the children at church.

I don't know how many wives out there tend to embarass their husbands with things they do not know of, yet pretend to know alot about and yak away. I just find it funny. The husband was probably embarassed by how little the wife knew about the GKGW course, and the blatant mis-informed, and should I add, insensitive comment.

I mean, it's like.. HELLOoo... I am single. This course is not for me, geddit?

Then, I shared about the docuemtary. After hearing my sharing, the man commented that I will made a good mother.

Then I stopped.

How does one continue such a conversation when one knows that she is never going to be attached, or married or have kids, but dreams of one day she will? Yet, she is frequently bombarded by the insensitive "Someday lah!", "When is your turn?", "Patience...", "Don't give up yet!"

So darn easy for you to say. You have a husband/wife, a boyfriend/girlfriend, you have people around your age who are not all married, haven't reach that stage yet, or just plain got nothing to do and 拿我来消遣。

I've forgotten what happened thereafter, but I do remember at one point, I turn to continue sharing about the documentary to the daughter. At least this audience listens to me and genuinely hears my sharing.

----------------------------------

The people around me... they don't understand me. They don't know why I take pictures of fire extinguishers and the birds. They don't know why I prefer movies that have conversations that goes on like forever.

Is it cos I don't open up myself to others? Or is it because they are not giving me the listening ear or try to understand me? Given, I am the person who always seemed to have the capacity to give.

And give.
And give somemore.
And give

till I die....

That I have no needs. I am self-suffient. I can survive on my own. My smile meter is not 10, but it hovers around 8 or 9. So Joyce shouldn't have any problems with her life right?

Right?

*DING!* You are absolutely right!

Joyce has no problems, as you see it.

I am going to take and run with it

 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding;

 6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
       and he will make your paths straight

---------------------------- Proverbs 3:5-6

This verse came to me when I was having breakfast this morning. Breakfast was two slices of bread coated with nutella-lookalike chocolate spread and coffee. As usual, I promptly said my grace and chew the bread. This morning, somehow, I thank God that he showed his love to me by providing this meal for me. Simple as it is, I am thankful for the provision. It's rather unusual for me to thank God for his love over breakfast.

As usual, as I eat, I ponder. I thought aboout God's love for me, and was reminded of the tough challenge last night to address the worship issue. I have always wondered why are Christian people so difficult. I know God is nowhere at fault, and so are the other people who are not related.

Then, I reviewed 1 of the 4 verses that I've sent to the printer for the Christmas Musical. I had a hard time on the last one, cos I've covered all grounds of salvation, and am desperate to include something over and above the Love, the Salvation and the Story.

Then DING!!!!! (a lightbulb flashes over my head in the middle of the night) Proverbs 3:5-6 came to mind. It was not what I was looking for at that time, but somehow, I was prompted to put that in. Something just won't let it go.

This morning, I realised, the verse was meant for me at this point in time. It's just one of those times when verses meant nothing to you the day before, but meant something significant later.

Here's my intepretation of the verses:

 5 Trust in the LORD

[ yes God, I really do... ]

with all your heart

[ Errr... alright.. I know now.. 100%... But God, I just don't think it's right.. You don't know these people, they really are a pain... ]

and lean not on your own understanding;

[ OH. WOW. "not my own understanding"? Gosh.. that is a real dent to my pride, I DO UNDERSTAND the situation, how can I not know, you mean I gotta give away my reliance on myself and to rely on you? And let you control the situation? That is really really very tough, I'm a control freak, I want to make sure everything goes well with my supervision!!! But you are right.. You know the situation MORE than I do. You are afterall, my God. ]

 6 in all your ways acknowledge him,

[ Ok.... I know... I have not been faithfully doing that in the things that I do... I'm sorry...]

and he will make your paths straight

[ That's your promise hor, God. I am going to take and run with it. ]

Then I felt much better. Bad scenarios are everywhere. We have our own preception of the situation, and most of the time, we preceived ourselves as the victims. But sometimes we failed to see that we can tap on Higher Power to stop the bad situation from getting us down. Or we failed to see that outside our problem, the solution is really ourselves.

The tension remains. But I can't please everyone. As long as I know that what I am doing is what I think is God wants me to do, I'll take risk as the pai lang (bad guy). I am not going to live under the shadow of fearing to displease men just because of what they think is right.

Really, if the situation turns out for the worse and if we lose someone who is insistent of their own ways, that's just too bad. I will not yield to pressure.

I will not yield to pressure.

I Not Stupid

I had thought the struggle was over.

And then it came back again.

It's the problem about worship again. The confusion for last Sunday's worship was not changed for the better after my email to the shepherds. The same person who walked out of our meeting over the worship issue has decided (again) to take matters to his own hands and re-schedule our practices for the Christmas musical.

It's not that I do not want to let him do it, or that I am not listening to him. It's just that things do not work this way. We cannot just change things like that. There are reasons why some things are done in such ways and I do think he has seen things from his own perspective and not from our view.

My heart sank once again. I dunno why am I given this tough task to tackle Christians who have very strong views of what they believe is right, or standard, or must be done, and not be understanding.

I really don't know how to reply to him.

-------------------------------------------
As for this Sunday onwards, I don't agree with you that you should use worship time for the choir practice. We are sending a wrong signal to children that worship time is not important and is not a priority. What you should do is do cut down the time for sunday school lesson and use part of it for choir practice. Worship time should remain as usual.

I will stop lesson on this Sunday at 9.45am and you can use the time from 9.45am to 10.15am for practice. Worship will start as usual at 10.15am."
-------------------------------------------

As if I dunno that worship is important. I am not stupid, I am not dumb. I don't know why sometimes people like to think that I am. Or perceive that I am. I really resent that.

There are many reasons why we did what we have been doing. It's not my own decision, but the decision of the musical committee.

I don't care liao. I am going to reply to him and cc: to everyone in the committee. And then, let Pastor go handle him. Afterall, next year I won't be around. I really don't want to spend my time on tweaking legalism. Or the right method.

Just sheer waste of time.

Finally, I can get titles for my posts!

Silly me.

I did not turn on the Title setting of my posts. No wonder I cannot have a title for my blogs.. was wondering ... cannot be what..

Anyway... now it's done! Yippeee!

--------------------------------------

I've passed my translation entry test! Double woopeee!!

Now gotta worry how to broach the topic of paying the fees in instalments to the company... But I really look forward to the class... Why so?

1) Maybe I need to go to a school to feel "important"? That is still a question I have no answer to...
2) I really love the English translate to Chinese and vice versa work... It's interesting to do it. Maybe I am crazy... But I think it really is true. I feel it both challenging and fun to play with words from both languages.. yeah.. maybe I am koo-koo...
3) It's an opportunity for me to return the languages to what they are suppose to be. I have always felt that languages should be spoken and communicated as it is. Yes, call me a language purist... But I think now is a chance to make me feel happy that I can finally use language purely as it is.
Yeah, I am really koo-koo...

La dee daaaa......

Sporadic thoughts...

I did say earlier that I wanted to voice out my concerns of how the church treats it's own people and it's attitude towards itself in the next prayer meeting right? Well, God has his plan or revealing to me how stupid that thought was at the last prayer meeting.

First of all, one event happened to another and while I met Mrs K early to discuss the design of the Christmas musical (I did say I didn't want to do right? But I can't say No... they needed the help. Brgh. Why is my heart so soft?) thereafter, T. told me he need some help on the powerpoint, and then I met C. in the AV room. She said she was assigned to be the powerpoint person at the last minute and she does not know what to do. Me being me... (argh) told her that since i am tidying up the slides, I might as well be the ppt person. She was grateful. And little do I know this is God's plan for me to stay away from the front. (haha.)

The turnout was, to my surprise, a good mix of adults, youths and in-betweens... despite the rain. And I was so prepare to ask the question "Look around you, most of you are in your late 30s or above...". That was God's way of teaching me not to act because I "felt" like it.

And really, the prayer requests that were shared were far more important and urgent that my "vision of the church".

A truly humbling experience. I can't imagine if I were to go ahead with my plan and did what I wanted to do. I guess I'd probably be classified as a fanatic.

And I am grateful that God did it in such a gentle manner.

-----------------------------------------------------

I really need a break. I've got so many things on my plate now... Cos my heart is soft. I can't say no...

Sometimes I do think my soft-heartedness is giving me the heartaches. Out of my goodwill to provide, to give, to serve, to give up, to make better all the things for other people, I ignore my own needs and used it to serve others, and sometimes, it goes beyond control and I end up being so so drained up.

I am sure God will never say to make life better for other people is wrong. I dunno is it because I "bak chew pye" (bad eyes) that I always see the needs of others and will think next to nothing to give what I have to that need.

But something needs to be done. I can't just give and give. Others need to learn how to give too. There is only one Joyce.

-----------------------------------------------------

I found out the real reason why nobody has done anything on my actual 31st birthday. READ: NO CELEBRATION. I dunno should I think it's lame or what.

It was a story about the Somebodies, Everybody and the Nobodies. Because Somebody thinks that Somebody will surely do it. Nobody did anything, until Somebody send something to Everybody. But Everybody did nothing. And so Nothing was done to a certain Somebody. However, thankfully, there was still a group of Somebodies who did something together with Everybody, so that the certain Somebody can still take comfort that she means something to Somebody.

Even though the celebration was not done on that actual day, at least Something was done.

I've also learnt NEVER TO HAVE HOPE for A GRAND CELEBRATION ON YOUR OWN BIRTHDAY. ON THE ACTUAL DAY SPECIFICALLY. NEVER EXPECT OR HOPE THAT OTHERS WILL REMEMBER YOUR BIRTHDAY AND THAT THEY WILL DO SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU FEEL VALUED OR PRECIOUS.

Cos people always have something more important to do than to spend their time with you. Just like what I did to other people in the earlier days.

The most important thing is to acknowledge that being alone can be an enjoyable experience like what I did on my birthday. Yeah, it's costly on the pocket, but I need not have to beg for attention or pity or sympathy.

I did not impose anything on anybody, now that is very important. No guilt on anybody.

That Somebody says she wants to retired from being an organiser. She is too disappointed at the NATO reaction from Everybody. I am not so sure.

-----------------------------------------------------

Sitting here, looking down.

My cellulites!! GASP!! YUCKS!!

I thought I got cold feet.

I had always thought the entry test is something that requires no preparation. Hence, I had only the date and time on my mind and not what to expect. I have no idea what to prepare idea. So I just went.

When I sat down to take the test, the questions kinda surprised me. Alot.

I am suppose to write 2 essays based on the topics given. One in English, and one in Chinese. Given that I have not been writing essays for the past 15 years of my life (blogging is not essay, right?), naturally, I got cold feet. My mind went blank and I did not know what to do.

After a few minutes of guessing what I should do, I anyhow pick an English topic and started to write. After 3 paragraphs, I realised the topic is not "The Story of My Life" and tore the paper away, starting on a fresh piece. I really have no idea what to write for that topic. Just hamtam boleh... Gawd.

After a while, I do not know how to continue anymore. So I jumped to start the Chinese topic. (The MOE has done well. I remembered that was what my teachers always say, do the ones you know and skip those you don't know first). This time, I think I wrote better. At least I wrote according to what is asked of and sticking close to it. I am actually kinda surprise I can write better on the Chinese topic then the English one..

I took half an hour more than was expected to complete the test. Still, I am not very pleased with what I have submitted. I think I wrote horribly and I step out of the building feeling horrible. But that feeling didn't last for long. After all, I did my best. It's unfortunate that I did not prep myself for the essay writing.. But I guess, I came as I am and gave as I could give. If I am denied entry to the course, I won't blame anyone. Que Sera Sera...

Now the results will be out next week... I wonder how will the lecturer grade my super lousy English and Chinese. Oh, I also learnt tonight... that I am not as good as I thought I am. Now that is a very humbling experience.

眼泪成诗 - 孙燕姿

我已经 已经把我伤口化作玫瑰
我的泪水 已经变成雨水早已轮回
我已经 已经把对白留成了永远

Today is my birthday.

I celebrated it as I would have any other year.

This year, I celebrated Non-existence day.

I turned off my handphone and didn't login to MSN. Work was the only interaction I had with people outside my world. I reckon since there are no official celebration announced for me today among the people I know, I might as well be, well, non-existent.

(Can't complain much, I was treated to sumptuous Japanese dinner last Wed, delicious pasta on Fri and below. Oh, if you also consider the delicious kong ba bao I ate at a friend's grandpa's wake as a part of my uh... festive feast... )

They bought chicken pies for me in the office, very nice. I ate 4! :) It's a practice in the office to do so. Even when A. and S.C. went out at about 5 plus. I already know what is happening. But I just pretend to know nothing of where they are going. Afterall, they did it with good intentions...

Someone asked me what am I going to do tonight. I said nothing. Nothing! Came to exclaimation. But they soon move to other topics... which was really nice.

I did ponder about doing something for myself today. I have tried buying myself a watch, changing my hairstyle and drinking beer by myself at the old World Trade Centre in the previous years... I thought of buying myself some jewellery of some sort.. but the designs that I checkout over the websites were not impressive.. The impressive ones have unimpressive price tags... Hmmmm....

Then I remembered... This is the perfect opportunity to go get my ears pierced! The perfect excuse! So I did a search and found out that Goldheart does ear piercing. Called up the shop and check out simple details of the procedure and decide, this is the day that I will pierce my earlobes after work.

The day passed by quickly with some preparation work for the client and the chicken pie eating session. As 6pm draws closer, I was getting more nervous. I checked with myself a few times to make sure I am sane to make that decision. I am. It felt as if I am going for bungee jumping. You know, that kind of anxiety. But I have decided that I will go for it.

On the way to the shop, I kept asking myself. Are you sure you want to go ahead with this? You can give up the idea if you are not ready. But I gave a Yes to all those questions. As I approached the shop, I told myself, maybe I should go walk around to relax abit.. but I made an U-turn. What the heck, get it over and done with.

The salesman was really patient and explained to me what is involved and I picked my ear studs. He made a mark on the earlobes and as he prepares his "surgery". He calmly talks to me to make me feel relaxed. Then he pulled out the "gun" and I thought I want to run. Then in the next minute, the stud went in. I was a little faint for a min or so, remembering the exact experience I had when I had my ears pierced more than 10 years ago. He was nice enough to let me catch a breather and recover before we agree to do the other ear. This time, it's not so bad.

I was given some explanation of how to care for the new ear holes and silly me asked for a receipt. Gosh, now that I recall, for what? But then again, it's a good momento to remind me that I did something "brave" today. Maybe I'll get have another hole done next year? On the navel? Maybe a tattoo... Hmmm....

I made my payment and thank the salesman and left the shopping centre. Still early. I should go walk around. Oh yeah, go check out the Christmas decoration ideas so that I can think of a new colour theme for our tree at home. I love the decos Metro has. So lovely... the price for each item also lovely... :) nearly bought something, but I was wise to go home and think about it first.. hahaha...

Out of Paragon, I walked to Taka hoping to check out the decos there.. Lo and behold, I went to the stationary floor simply just to check out if there are any nice picture frames to put pictures in. After about an hour of wondering in that floor, I bought 1 set of 4 stickers that looks like a wax seal with the letter "J" on it, one NICI tiger beanie (me born in the year of the tiger, geddit?), one box of ten Christmas Cards (who am I going to send them to, I wonder, aiyah, dun care lah, buy already then say) and 4 bras from the bra fair nearby. I wanted to buy myself a Happy Birthday card to wish myself Happy Birthday, but I thought that is a little bit too extreme... Haha...

After the damage done to my bank account, I strutted off confidently along Orchard Road. Somehow, the piercing injected in me fresh confidence and I was really proud that I had a wonderful time indulging on myself. This is the first year that I've moved away from pre-birthday depression and seriously and honestly telling myself I can still have fun being alone on my birthday. At the bus stop, a cute Indian guy asked me for bus directions to Little India and I gamingly brought him to the bus guide stand and showed him which bus to take (cos I also forgotten what bus goes there liao). I even told him he can read the full details of the bus journey on the other side of the panel and called him when his bus arrived. Only thing I didn't do is to follow him to Little India, haha.... It would be wonderful ending to my non-existent day celebration.

Well, as you know, it didn't happen and I took the bus home, still beaming with pride about the piercing. I need an ice-cream to close this wonderful day, I told myself. And went to get the most expensive Walls Cornetto Double Choc Royale from the 7-11 to eat on the way home.

It's not that bad afterall. I did check my phone in betweens to see if there were any urgent messages. There were some well wishes and nothing death-threatening. So I switched off the phone and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I feel empowered knowing that I can do certain things on my own, and not needing to rely on others... I am thoroughly at peace with myself on my own... It's an enjoyment knowing that I can survive. And liberating.

It truly is. In fact, it just gets better.

Stepping into 32 years of existence on this earth... It hasn't been that bad afterall. I haven't lost myself in a world of confusion and self-centredness. Moving from stages of non-existence to alot of "friends", back to the stage of non-existence is something I have grown to grapple with and live with nowadays.

I am less afraid now, though still afraid. Being single is not a crime, nor a sin. If that's the way God intended me to be, so be it. But I will NEVER EVER become an old maid.

I want to be the woman that married women envy, and one that inspires those singles who are still struggling to find their self worth. Been there, done that. Won.

And I will not let depression get to me. Not a chance anymore.