Despite

Despite us in the office having our grouses on the bosses and the company AND with each other, we still do things humans do.

The boss's mother passed away recently. We sent a wreath. Went to the wake. One of the art directors designed the hymnal book for the funeral service. The other offered to cut the strings that will be used to tied the hymnals together when he had sometime to spare before we get off work, and stayed back even to help get it printed.

I guess we are just like one of those people who are often portrayed in the Hong Kong movies. The man on the street who lives a normal life, have our own problems outside office, struggles with issues in life, have our loves (soccer, movies..), likes the job, but not getting a good deal with the company, but still stay together as a company.

At least I am glad to know that deep down, we are human afterall.

image from inmagine.com

About The Previous Post

I thought about my post and I felt it necessary to clarify.

I am not trying to be a SuperSaint by writing about those stuffs that I am a corkboard, etc etc... I was just trying to return to my past experiences and remember that God has not forgotten about me.

I cannot pretend everything's alright, I will still be hurt. I'm not unbreakable.

But it will not take long for me to mend. That's the way I am made. I've been taking in things for as long as I know. And I do have the ability to absorb them and not let those things go elsewhere (gossip), or affect my continue communication with the other party. In fact, I hardly allow negative thoughts and comments affect me.

I guess God made me strong in that sense.

As long as I figured out that the common enemy is not the person, just the act or behaviour, I'd not take the whole thing to heart and continue the relationship with that person. But do something that portrays an outward expression of how/what you think of me, I'd be very mad. I will crumble. And I will remember you for life.

I am not perfect, nor am I trying to be holier than thou.

Just trying to make sense of the wrongs in this world, and doing my best to not turn it into another destroyer.

Where Do I Draw My Strength?

I'd consider this is the season of Joyce's Extreme Testing.

It's not just the church thing that threw me off balance. There has been this ongoing thing at work too. Clients, colleagues... Drives me crazy. At times, I was bluntly and blatantly picked on, because of colleagues dissatisfaction with bosses. I was their punchbag, somewhat.

Yeah, it hurt. Alot. I mean, I have nothing to do with alot of their grouses in the first place. I honestly do not think I deserve some of the accuses there. Being the youngest in the company means that I am in this precarious position to be picked at, knowing little about the background where those words were came from.

The emotions did went all the way to the nose, and locked my jaws. But I did my best to hold my composure. The Christians have been a great disapppointment in the office; I cannot be another one to disappoint. I can't. God's name is at stake. There has been too many hurts caused by Christians, and I don't want to be a part of it.

Besides, once I cleared up the fact that all those words were not directed at me, but often are the results of their unresolved hurts, my perspective changed. If getting it off their chest means I have to be the punchbag, the dartboard... I guess I can absorb all that heat like a cork board.

At the end of the day, it is up to them to form the conclusion of who I am. Words are words, and it's better to take them like that, than to let them harm me or the speaker.

Sound as if I handle all these like it's a piece of cake, huh? Believe me, it's no cake, even when I type all this down, my jaws get locked again. My mind popped a question.

How do I handle all these things? Where can I draw my strength?

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The client bit was a testing too. I've never met such difficult customers in my entire 17 years of working life. And because of them, I kena the bashing from my colleagues.

I take it all in my stride. I know there are more people like that out there. And if I want to move on with my current career in the current industry, I have to learn to handle people like them. Their requests, their demands, their forever changing of minds... and God knows what else.

I felt it necessary that I am thrusted into situations like this now. It is the most extreme way to train me. Me the good, always patience, always accommodating person. I find it doesn't work all the time, though it does most of the time. This process has culitvated my assertiveness, and my ability to defend my agency's work, and learning not to be a "yes mam'" all the time.

I consider those gains. It's never easy to handle people that come in all shapes and sizes. And I am going to do whatever I can to learn as much as I do during this period of testing. It's definitely preparing me for greater things.

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Now, about the church thing.

It REALLY threw me off my balance, some of those things spoken, and I match it with what I saw in the church.

Many things raced through my mind. I know I cannot find instant answers to those questions, but I am constantly asking God about them, and asking Him to help me out.

Only time can tell now.

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That's why I concluded tonight that this is a season of extreme testing for me.

It dawned on me that I need inner strength, not of my own, to handle all these.

Where do I draw my strength amidst of all these situations?

Where is the nice and lovely world that I used to live in? Has God decided to take me out of the greenhouse and plug me into the natural world to experience the elements and the wild? Is this His appointed time for me to experience what this world is really about? What do I need to weather all these situations?

Strength. Where does my strength come from?

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

~ Psalm 121 (New International Version) ~

Don't ask me how I linked "Strength" to this passage in the bible. It just happened.

Something Disturbing

I was told of something by someone whom I recently have the opportunity to know better.

It began with the story of her family, specifically, her husband, and then later on, the topic moved on to another more interesting one. We were having lunch at MARCHE, and after the lunch, her husband left for home with their youngest son, and the both of us settled for people watching at the basement of Vivo City in front of the OTO shop, with Bravisso ice-creams.

It was there when she started to relate about how a particular all women's group keeping to themselves at events, of how they tend to talk about things; about how certain disagreements resulted in the departure of someone whom her husband works closely with.

The topic moved on to people. The Caucasians and the locals, the rich kids and the poor kids, and lastly, the clean and the unclean.

My mind tells me that I shouldn't listen to what other people say, but do an observation myself. Well, I have had one observation on Thursday night at a group's meeting, and I noticed little things that happened there.

I know nothing in this world is perfect. But her comments set me thinking. My mind had flashes of things then and now, of people then and now. My mind and my heart raced to find a conclusion, a balance, an answer to all the slew of questions that suddenly flooded the mind.

But I cannot find an answer. Or rather, I refused to attend to my mind's boggling pursue for an answer. I sat in front of the tv set, and attempted to drift away from a new issue that has arise. But those questions didn't seem to want to be put aside. They re-surfaced during commercial breaks or whenever it prefers to come up.

I cannot find an answer to the disturbing topic of the day. The month. The year.

Is this the church that I want to belong to?

The Voices Inside My Head

It seemed to repeat itself everytime I see or hear of little achievements of my friends, or people I know, or even, acquaintances.

"Where are you in all these, Joyce?"

"They are already in such-a-such a position now, and you are still a small executive, drawing a miserable salary..."

"They are married, have at least one kid."
"They have their own house."
"They travel and negotiate deals with people overseas."

"Where are you in all these, Joyce?"

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No. Please do not attempt to comment that what is more important is who I am, not achievements; not what I have.

Can you sincerely and truthfully tell that to yourself? Can you truthfully admit that what you are as a person is more important that your ability to provide for your family?

I'm sorry. I am more pragmatic. I have outgrown that comment.

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The whole thing bugs me because I look back and I realised I am SUCH an underachiever. And no matter how hard I try, I am still lacking behind. And I feel more so when I see the younger generation coming up and catching up so quickly. Taking up responsibility as an adult already, and with me still struggling to keep up.

I feel like a failure at times. It's funny. I tried to do my best. I tried to be nice. I tried to understand. I tried to be understood.

But always ends up "henta kaki-ing". Marching in the same spot. When others have moved, up, up and away.

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Lacking. So HUGELY lacking.

Incompetant. Slacker. Fence-sitter.

I could've been in some status now, if not for my late bloomin'.

My huh-whats-going-on approach to work.

My mind responding to calls that I am just a small fry.
"Don't look at that position. You don't have X years experience. You don't have a degree. You don't have the gift of the gab. You are careless. You can't do it.

You are not good enough."

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It's all in the past. Now I have to run doubly quick to catch up. Simply because of the stupid voices in my head that held me back.

Get out, stupid thoughts.

Of All The Places

I have a very nasty problem in my nose.

There's a budding pimple in it.

You know, the kind without the pus, but swells up and gets very painful when touched? I think they call it "ingrowth".

Yeah, I have a pimple in my nose. INSIDE.

And it's rather uncomfortable because it obstructs the normal way the nose used to get its source of fresh air.

I can only apply as much pimple gel in there and hope for the best :(

Banishing Gluttony

I have some practical tips for those of you who are watching your weight.

I have been watching what I eat during means for almost a month now(note, I watch, I do not control, no way :). It came about when I was affected by prolonged period of indigestions following weeks of consequetive pigging in the office during lunch. It extended weeks after we stopped the practice, and IT FEELS HORRIBLE.

The following normally happen
1) Asians like variety in their food and we want to feed everyone, so we tend to over order
2) As a result, we are not able to finish the food
3) Being the Asians we are, it's a practice that we should not let the food go to waste
4) That's when we start to "kongsi", distributing the remains and clearing up the "spread".

A classic example of our once a week lunch spread would be: Char Kway Teow, Tao Pok Yew Jia Kueh, Chicken Rice (the largest size), Orh Neng... It was shared among me and my 3 other colleagues. By the time we finished the food... You can imagine the fullness, belching and bloating we got.

It was decided one day that we would stop ever since one of the colleague was told by the doctor he has to watch his diet, as it is affecting his health, specifically, his feet. Me, on the other hand decided that we should not make ourselves, specifically myself, suffer after such heavy meals. And as mentioned earlier, the indigestion problems started to occur, even when I was having regular lunch.

So I am now practicing the following habits when it comes to food:
(Disclaimer: These are habits practice by the author of this blog, and the pointers are definitely not endorsed by any nutritionist or dietitian. Please ensure you have a balance diet if you choose to eat lesser.)

1) Think carefully: Do I need that much energy from the food I get from the hawker centre? Am I going to use those energy AFTER breakfast or lunch or dinner?
Not necessary. All I do is sit at the table and click away. Even the occasional visit to the client's office requires little energy. Our hawker food provides far too much energy than I need as an office worker.
Unless I plan to work out after office hours, I'd think it's best to eat less or no dinner.

2) Avoid looking at food if you are not hungry.
It's as simple as that. I realised that if I go open the pots and pans when I reached home, there is a high tendency that I would eat the food that comes to sight, even though I am not hungry for dinner at all.

3) If you are hungry during odd times, eat something.
Yes, just SOME THING will do. I do not need to have a plate of fried carrot cake just for that occasional hunger. Light snacks will really do just fine, one or two pieces of crackers/biscuits, a pear, an apple... Water can also trick the stomach to believe it's full. One glass of water normally works for me. Once my stomach receives the signal that something is making it's way down, it'd stop protesting.

4) Don't say to yourself, the food takes 20mins to be digested.
Because what do I do in between? I'd eat somemore. It's the truth, but it can also be a lie you tell to yourself.

5) Save the treats on weekends; One treat a day.
Again, as Asians, we are constantly surrounded by friends who likes to eat (besides the fact that it's the most popular and easiest Singaporean thing to do together as a group). You can eat everything, but keep it to small portions. And remember, you can say "no" if you can't take anymore. It's your stomach. You choose.

6) If you are not hungry, you are not hungry.
Don't eat because it's time to eat. Your friend maybe wolfing down his dinner because he was helping out at the warehouse, but don't do the same if you are not hungry. Afterall, food is aplenty in Singapore, you can always eat when you feel hungry. Scared no food meh?

7) Order food just enough for yourself or your friends for a start.
You can always order more if you are hungry. Chances are, the just enough will be just enough. This way, no food is wasted, and nobody will moan about the stomach being too full.

I have no indigestion problems now (some pills helped), and it's nice to be able to enjoy the other things in life after a light meal.

All in all, I think food should be enjoyed, and not be gorged or forced down. Why pay to suffer (paying money for the food, over order, and suffered stomach discomfort)? Hence in closure, I've attached a link here about local food. You may want to use it as a reference if you have friends from overseas coming over.

But go easy when you order for yourself, yeah? :)

+For more on Singaporean food, go to Wikipedia from here+.

Pensively Yours

An sms.

A long thought process to reply. "Don't say sorry; you have nothing to be sorry about, you did nothing wrong." There was no hiding behind the screens on the stand I am taking.

The response came quickly. I felt the other party replied in spite, even using christian words to "threaten" me.

Not wanting to blow up my emotions, I pushed the buttons and sent a light-hearted message.

The tone dropped to a regular, pragmatic tone and I had to pick it up again in closure.

I felt I made myself a villian; But I have to be blunt. If there are concerns for them, where's my portion?

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Started an MSN conversation. I had to clarify the comment and the tone in the sms.

Deeper into the chat, gushes of emotions ran the discussion overtime.

I was brought back to the time when I was hurt deeply; when disappointments and recognition never met. And as I've heard, are still not met.

There were outpourings after outpourings. The eyes welled, and then trickled.

It's a clearer picture now; time has washed away the murky water and I can see clearly the reason why I faded away from them.

I was the singular unit. There was never the "group".

Just like when Jesus calmed the storm, I reached His peaceful ocean at the end of the talk.

It was a good heart-to-heart talk. And more so because every emotions was allow to reach its audience with nothing in between. (It used to be kept in the mind closet 80% of the time; they took all of the remainders. That's probably why to them, I was thought of as the quiet person.)

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Yes, anyway, I've move on. It is important that I will grow when I moved.

God, I can't do it alone. Be my guide. Be my light.

I need you.

I've Always Wonder

Is singleness really a "gift"?

Boundless Webzine has an insightful article on this. +Read it here+.

I am just thankful there are Christians out there who don't just live the Christian lives blindly. I get turned off by Christians who bang the bible even on their own kind by applying the Old and New Testament contextuals to the modern culture and environment that we are living.

It shows their ignorance to the modern world, and insensitivity to the men and women, Christians or not, who are facing and struggling with our modern day culture and environment everyday.

And many times,
judging more than loving,
patronising more than encouraging,
destroying more than building up.

Not something I want to become.

Wow, It's only 11pm. I Need To Sleep. But Maybe...

My blog entries have been few lately because of work. By the time I got home, I was absolutely drained of any mental power to write. The project I work on, or rather, the client, zaps the entire energy out of me everyday. Another client's last minute job had me and colleague stayed in office to collate seminar notes till 11pm on Thursday night.

Then, there were the occasional late nights due to a spewl of reasons (tv and internet tv [for winding down]...) Hanging out with P means after we are done we wait for J to finish his kite-flying at Clarke Quay and he'd send her home somewhere North-East and then me, cos I live near him. And it tends to be very late. I would probably tell them next time that I'd prefer to go home early to rest.

But it's that kind of thing, you know. It's hard to make yourself go to bed early after spending so much time staying up late in the past. It always seemed too early to go to bed. I am adjusting, but I thought it'd be easy. Seems like the body clock is not ready. I'll continue to try.

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So yesterday I decided, enough was enough. After confirming that some of the client's collaterals are going to the printer, I decided I need a Ben & Jerry's Dublin Mudslide to reward myself for all the hard work. And finally found a kaki (buddy) to join me for that treat. But not without a dinner first.



(Alamak! I forgot to take a picture of the Xiao Long Bao! :S) On left, my spring onion ramen, and on right, Y's Sharks Bones Seafood Soup with Rice (something like that, I think)

This is my 2nd time to the restaurant and the food is just as good. The noodle doesn't have a process-food-rubber texture like the regular noodles. Even when it's plain, it's yummy. I have declared to partner in crime, Y, that I am taking small portions nowadays. But I can't resist the noodle and finished every strand of it.
On the right, Y's rice (the small bowl on left) looks like cereal, probably rice "popped", (as in popcorn styled). I tasted the soup, and the full flavour of the ingredients had me go Mmm... I've never really like to eat in Chinese restaurants, but Crystal Jade has really bowled me over. I recommend it!

+Full Listing of Crystal Jade La Mian Xiao Long Bao restaurants here+

I had my Ben & Jerry's Dublin Mudslide (YUMMMMMMMMMMMMIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!) after that. I had to eat it! That's what I came here for! Even if it's a single scoop, I would complete my mission!

Arhhhhh... The feeling of the ice-cream in my mouth: Priceless.

It was a very, very gratifying evening indeed. No regrets.

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Today? Was spent with my nieces at the nearby park. The older one has got a swollen gum and it puffed up her left cheek. I sent her to the doctor's after the park, when she complained that the ache has gotten worse.

Later on in the evening, I was at a funeral wake. LY's stepfather had passed away yesterday noon. It was a small gathering of friends and we had proven that our friendship had stood the test of time, for our conversations does not have uncomfortable pauses of silence, and we still talk like we used to do when we were in our secondary school. It's amazing.

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Noted that I was linked by +man of few words+. :D Thank you :)

And I followed one of the links to reach +Corrinne May's blog+.

And these were the two reasons why I blogged tonight. :P

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Sorry, tonight's blog is pretty much here-there-and-everywhere.

It's time to sleep.

It Is

It's great to be able to get out of the main island and lie on the sandy beach on a Monday.

I had been looking for this break for sometime now. Work sucks big time, and it doesn't help when your boss continues to feed your client with options to change her mind, and you are the one who pick up the pieces. Fortunately, I had already planned to get a day off this month and spent it in Sentosa.

The weather was cloudy for the entire day, and we only got our fix of sunlight after waiting for 3 hours. Meantime, the cool breeze kept our idylic minds away from work. That is when the topic of work came up during conversations.

Somehow, it woke my mind, and I was reminded of my plan to leave the current company next year. And also reminded of my still-stagnant translation practices :S The topic was mentioned later, and I got to hear that my boss has been ignoring calls made from a company in which my friend just started working in.

It was his typical attitude. If it ain't a big name, he couldn't be bothered to follow- up. I feel embarassed to hear of such things from the friend. I thought myboss could have at least laid down options for the client. And this further pushed the idea of leaving the company further.

And then one situation led to another, and I am now in a very deep mood to want to be with someone. You know, this kinda thing happen.

So now, I will go to bed, with a new acquired skin tone. Imagining what my colleagues responses will be if I tell them about this client. "See, he did it again!" "Say what relationships are important... He himself is couldn't be bothered." "He only talk big lah!"

I can't live in a life like that. Nor can I work with a person who has such attitudes at work. What more, a leader, the owner of a company.

Something to sigh about my life.

Wedding-Me

I was almost done with my work on probably the 7th wedding invitation card design until a phrase came to my mind.

一生为别人做嫁衣

As I exit out of the application software, a flurry of images flushed into my mind as it repeats those words over and over again. Images of how I played the role of one of the sisters responsible for "guarding" the gate of the bride before the groom comes in, or a helper in church, or even my sister's wedding a couple of years ago. Designs for wedding couples invite card, church service programme sheet, even the master slide in the MS Powerpoint to display the worship or hymn lyrics.

一生为别人做嫁衣

The literal meaning of this line is "Making the bridal gown of others in one's entire life". It is really used to describe the role of a person or a organisation who has been helping others to achieve their goals, but in a low profile manner.

I have been thinking about the literal meaning, "I will be doing the bridal preparations of others instead of mine for the rest of my life."

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Don't worry, I am not sad. Just in this wistful mood. Okay.. in some form of pensive, which has a tinge of sadness... Just a reflection, lah...

I am not desperate to wear a wedding gown, if that is your concern. Have never been into that, I don't know why. When I hear comments like "Every girl wants to be dressed in a wedding gown someday!" I kinda :S Yes, I admire the designs on the display window of the bridal boutique, but I seldom imagine myself in "that wedded moment", you know what I mean? Sometimes I would think, hmm, what kind of design would I like? Puffy sleeve? Off-shoulder? Bare back? Short? Long Train? Nothing white? Avant garde? But those were more like what I think is a wedding gown for me, groom excluded :)

Anyway, tonight, I wandered to another side of what I am doing. Will I be designing wedding invites, programme sheets, powerpoint slides for the rest of my life? The last item would probably be outdated in 5 years time in wedding ceremonies (gosh, they get so high-tech nowadays, I find it hard to catch up! :D).

I think I would be the oldest single "sister" to ask the groom for ang pows at the bride's house in the future. I am already feeling like an oversize, overage "kid" receiving ang pows from relatives during Chinese New Year. All the rest of those kids are like... under 20?! Yeah, imagine the contrast and the embarassment (but I take the ang pows anyway... It's not nice to reject gifts, especially if they are from the elderly, isn't it? Hehe...)

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And then last night, on channel 8, there was this feature of a single woman in her 50s living alone in her flat. She is mentally challenged, and her brother died in the same flat some years back. She wasn't aware of it, until his body decomposed and let out a foul smell that alerted the neighbours. She has no other immediate family members to take care of her, and receives occasional gifts of food and cleaning up of the flat by her nieces and family friends.

As I watch her, I thought about myself. What do I do if I have to live alone by myself till the day I die? Will I be able to handle that kind of lifestyle, even though right now, I am living quite alright with the single situation?

No idea. Take it as it comes. I mean, it's not that I didn't +try to do anything. It's just that nothing's happening. Strangely, but truely. There will always be mis-matched couples passing my way when I walk along the streets, seemingly telling me that even they can find each other, so what's the problem with me?

Heh. What's the problem with me? I have no answer for you.

Meantime, I will continue to design the wedding cards. At no charge.

Just Chill

I went to get my niece a present for her birthday after work.

After some searching, I finally settled on getting her a snow globe, like the one I gave her sister on her birthday couple of months ago, at their mother's suggestion. The place I saw it was at Takashimaya Shopping Centre, Kalms Section. I motioned for a lady at the store to help me, she came with a smile.

"Aunty, do you have a new one for this?" I pointed to the one and only snow globe left on the shelf. The lady told whatever they have are on display on the shelf (This, by the way, is a very common reply one get from the retail assistants in Singapore's shopping experience.)

"Could you clean it up for me please?" "Sure, I can do that for you."
So far so good.

At Takashimaya, certain counters require that you bring their sales memo to the cashier to make your payment before getting the goods. Mine was such case, and very much so because I requested for gift wrapping. So with the handwritten memo from the lady, I walked to the cashier counter.

"I'm sorry Miss, where did you get this product from? We can't seemed to be able to match the code number written on the memo with our system. Would you mind verifying it with the salesperson? When you come back, you need not join the queue anymore." said the smiling male cashier. Who would say no to a smiling face?

So I brought the memo back to the counter and handed to someone who looks like the lady who served me just now. Turns out it was her colleague and when the aunty was asked if she had made a mistake in the code, she was pretty adament that she did not, and repeatedly denied that. Turns out she did, after the checking.

So with the updated code number, I went back to the cashier counter. The smiling young man was gone, and a young lady served me then. I didn't have to jump queue and was ready to pay when she told me "$7.80 please."

I vividly remembered that the snow globe cost $14.90 and the wrapping paper costs $2.90, why was there a drop in price? We did a check and realised that the no. "1" was missing from the price box on the sales memo. I jokingly told the young lady that I do not mind if they gave me a discount on the product. But me being me, I paid the full price of the gift eventually (Really, I do not know how to take advantage in a situation like that. I just don't.). The cashier marked a "1" in the price box on the memo, and told me to tell the Kalms ladies about it.

So I happily brought the sales memo back to claim my gift. She presented me the gift and apologised for the mistake made earlier. I told her that she made another mistake about the price. Again she insisted that she did not. She looked at the memo and said the no. "1" mark was made by her, with her tone of voice raised. I repeated, "Yes, you did! You didn't put the "1" in there! See, it's in a different ink!" She denied it profusely. I gave up.

When I left the department store, I thought to myself, "I should've kept silent about the missing number. I would have $10 extra in my bank now. So much for being a good customer and being honest, and this is what I get?!"

Of course I was very much pissed! Imagine being punished for being honest!

Anyway, the good Joyce overcome the bad Joyce in me. I would rather be honest than to be dishonest. It happens all the time, this thing about being good to others, yet not being appreciated. Maybe others cannot handle this kind of situation, but I will. I will be the one to take the different route; to take it in my stride.

Anyway, the aunty wasn't really bad in her service. She was just careless and doesn't admit that she made the mistake. But that is her problem, not mine. She has to watch it. I need not get angry over the problem of somebody else. Really. Being mad and becoming dishonest over a trivial thing like that is not what I want to live out to be. Just Chill, Joyce.

Chill.

Forget That Post

Yeah. I decided not to publish that post I promised earlier. The post was about my thoughts about the recent comment MM Lee had about homosexuals.

Of course I have my views too. I too, want to let the world read about the perspectives of this issue from a Christian woman.

But as I write on, I realised my view is best left to myself. My thoughts were jumping here and there, and there's no fluent flow. I fear I may write something that may accidentally stumble anyone, christian or not.

If you don't have anything good to say, don't say. My golden rule.

So, we will leave that post for now.

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Still, I want to write something, but the brain goes dry. Oh well. It'll come. When I have fully recovered, I suppose.

I Had Been Sick

No thanks to the visit to GV Plaza last Sunday. Popcorns on the floor, air-con blasting on my nose during the show... I probably got the cold from the weekend crowd.

Written something that could put me in a minefield last night. But I was too tired to continue to write and review it. Maybe I will put it up tonight.

As of now... I hope the cold will go away soon.

Hugs

I decided that I got a genuine hug today. It came from a lady pastor from church.

The hug was like this. She grabbed me closed to her, and we held on for about 5-7 secs. The hug gave warmth, wasn't too tight, and I felt it sent a message that I am loved. She did tell me that she is a huggy person, and practically everyone who came her way was given a hug.

Before I went to her, I observed how the others in the church hug one another. It started with a them seeing one another, a joyful "Hi!" and "thud!" they had both their arms around each other and gave a bear hug to one another, grabbing the other person tightly. Then for about 5 secs later, they let go of each other, and went on to chat and exchange the ever-so-friendly "how are yous" and other things about what happened to them, or their ministry lately.

It wasn't a display of friendliness as most Singaporeans do, you know, the one arm around your shoulder, and getting it off in like 2 seconds. (I remember one of my ex-colleague commented "Singaporeans hug with one arm only".) It was more like a "I am sooo glad to see you, here's my hug to show you what I mean" kinda hug.

I am one person who is shy to hug, but longs for it often. Our culture does not see hugging as a spontaneous show of affection to our loved ones. To us, it's an intrusion of personal space, and "who gives you permission to touch me?" for the women, and "would she think I am trying to take advantage of her?" for the men.

It's the defence mechanism built in us. Letting others hug us means letting our defences down. It means we open ourselves to anything good or bad, metaphorically speaking.

(At this point, I'd like to mention that I also received a hug from a young man from the church last week. Also a genuine hug too.)

When I was going through depression, I need more than a shoulder to lean on. I relish a hug too. A hug to experience a feeling of being safely protected from the storms and the sadness and everything that threatens to squash us.

I think this church will be the place that I learnt to be THE HUGGER too.

Better...

Was given some free tickets to watch Spiderman 3 tonight, took P and another friend CL along. They met my colleague and his couple friend for dinner.

Spidey is awesome! Makes me feel proud that I have chosen Spiderman as my comic hero. I think the show is really fantastic. What I like about this show is that it reminds us that any normal person can be a superhero. Yes, you will face the darkness and the temptations that come with your life, but ultimately, the righteous will save the day. (Yeah, it does have something to do about my faith :P) Doing the right thing when others are doing the wrong one doesn't make you a weakling. Blah blah blah... :D

No spoilers here, because I want you to go watch the movie yourself. LoveIt-LoveIt-LoveIt!

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When the show ended at about 1230am, the flock of people, mostly creative professionals (and/or their spouses and friends who took advantage of the free tickets :P) swarmed to exit the cinema via the escalator and the lift.

There were alot of people trying to get out of the building. Our cinema is on the 5th floor. Away from the lift and the down-running escalator, there is another escalator that runs to up to the 6th floor. I look at the crowd, and I look at the escalator. A brilliant thought came to mind. I told CL and P to follow me up the escalator.

I didn't realise that I could came up with such a creative way to take the escalator. While the so-called "creative people" are trying to get out of the building quickly by the conventional method, I did it another way. And you know what? The lift did not stop at the 5th floor and went straight down to the ground floor!

Cool or what? :D (By this, some credits must be given to a Chinese book I read about learning to be creative. I think somewhat, it helped me to understand that I can be creative, too! :D)

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While the movie ended, I discovered a truth about depression.

The person who is depressed needs to find out what is/are his/her real problems are and find out the solutions to the problems on their own.

Most of the time, the depressed are aware of their problems. We know what is wrong, and what is the cause of it. However, no amount of comforting or kind words will be able to get us out of it, because we dwell in it, sometimes, even enjoying the sorrow and sunken feeling, so much so, it's difficult for an outsider to pull us out. Unless we see the light for ourselves, it will continue to be a tussle for both the depressed and those who try to help them.

It doesn't mean that external help is not necessary. I think as we continue to seek the solution for ourselves, we want to know that we have people who are hopeful with us as well. We want company, not necessary in our quest to find the answer, but to walk us through these difficult times, shoulder to shoulder.

Encouraging words from them to affirm their friendship/love for us is enough. At least we know we are not alone fighting the D-battle.

I hope my sharing of these little personal insights of depression would help anyone who have experienced depression or are experiencing them right now. There are people who loved to help you, don't push them away. Let them know you need space, but you also need them to watch over you. I am sure they will be glad to do that.

You are precious.

Yellow

I got an email from a good friend who mentioned about the song "Yellow", that it was used as a march-in song for his sister's wedding.

I didn't have the song at that time of reading the email, so I went to look up the lyrics to refresh my memory of the song.

And I believe the song, as it's being replayed in my mind since I saw the lyrics, and a trip to the hairstylist tonight lifted my spirits.

Thank you, good friend.

I Think I Need Antidepressants

I think it's got something to do with being surrounded by happy, shining people. Or reading about them.

The contrast is too great. I am weighed down and they are fluffy.

For the first time, I truly understand that being positive and trying to talk about seeking happiness by other means is not the best advice one can give to someone who is depressed.

1) Be here.

2) Listen to me.

3) Let those moments of silence take over when you and I have ran out of things to talk about (Seriously, please don't ask me to "talk about it" when I am unwilling to do so ). Let's not try to fill up the empty spaces, shall we?

4) Lend me a shoulder and let me cry on it.

5) Tell me you intend to get us a treat of the meanest chocolate ice-cream dessert ever when I am better.

6) I know this sounds mean and selfish, but please watch out for me in the meantime. I need the attention.

Thank you.

(Read about +Depression.)