I... *sigh*
I... I don't know how to put this. Or rather, I don't know if putting ths down defames the church. I just want to write it somewhere..
I am planning to say "No" to any request that comes my way from church. I think I have got to send a message to them to let them know that I cannot keep doing things for them, indefinitely. I have AGLOW things to do, I have a day job, I have personal committments, I have a life.
Too many times people simply shove the design job to me and expects me to do it. I mean, I am fine with it initially, but when things starts to roll in automatically... It gets very frustrating. It really does. Suddenly I am the unofficial contractor for all church-related activities.
I wish people would take into consideration my feelings. I wish they'd ask me before they they "tell" me to do something for them. I wish they wouldn't say yes to others first, then to me, and assume I will be able to do it. Goodness, all this things are what I wish for from the church.
I do not wish to worse to happen, that when push comes to shove, I'd be so sick of all these assumptions and take-for-granted attitude that eventually I will leave the church and go hide somewhere else. And it's an lousy excuse to be made with no choice but to leave the church, simply because of people factor and not God's calling. It would be a really lousy choice.
Honestly, I am torn.
I want to do those stuffs, but I wish the people would be more understanding. I hate the phrase I coined myself "different managers, same contractor". It really is a very cynical way to put it.
"FOR GOODNESS SAKE, LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A WHILE!"
The 2nd half of the year will see more of these demands coming up. I cannot take up all of them! It will really be push me to detest being who God has made me to be.
I want to be used by God, not by men!
Maybe I am simply too nice, too easy-going, hence I get tread over by people. People thinks I am easy to talk into doing something for them. So, should I change my image and become more assertive and less approachable? Should I just coolly give them a No and leave them to their devices? I mean, others have done it umpteen times. So why can't I? I can just say "Sorry, not free" and close the case. I can do it, can't I?
Of course I can, who's stopping me? But why did I hold back? I feel it is not right to turn down church work. Afterall, it's God's work. Those things are tools for evangelism. Those events are created to bring more people to know Christ. If I don't do it, God will certainly raise someone else to do it, right? That's always the convenient way to look at things.
No, I don't think by saying No will solve the problem. The people need to be educated. They have to know that none of us are to be taken for granted. Often, production or behind the scenes people like us gets ignored or no attention. They just assumed we can do the job, and do it quick at the snap of their fingers. And do they show appreciation to Patrick or Jo in a special way? NO. They just keep asking us to produce more of what we have done. Maybe better. Maybe more food. Maybe special effects. Maybe do a website... and the list goes on.
I know when much is given, much is expected. And this has always been my personal motto. I am not trying to protect myself or whatever. The problem is people like to ride on that and press you for results, without looking for new source.
I certainly do not want to be burnt out. I have burnt enough for the past few years. I really can just throw in the towel and say I quit. Hey, it can be pretty easy just to give up.
But God, you know I am not the kind who wants to be defeated by my problems. I don't like to take the easy way out. That's why I am holding on till now. God, please provide me with a suitable solution to this problem. I am very tired. Physically and spiritually. It really hit me when I took the wrong direction of the train to go to church this morning. It is simply too overwhelming.
*sleepy*
Amen.
