About Being Picky and Prickly

While we were doing people watching on Friday night, JA made a comment which I thought was pretty true.

"Singaporean men has gotten all soft. There is no longer the 'MAN' in them" was her comment. She went on to say that she has observed that many of the Singaporean men like to act cute in front of their girlfriends, and we agreed that they are looking like those pathetic male leads in the Korean and Taiwanese tv series. When they are with their girlfriends, they do all they can to sweet talk them, pretending to be the innocent puppy. The male traits - being a protector and a decision maker, seemed to have disappeared from the local men. All the gallantry, the gentlemen... all gone.

I thought it is probably because the Singaporean girls have become independent, thus, the men can no longer exhibit their +manliness. It seems that the more independent the girls/women/ladies are, the softer the men becomes. They are unable to be the stronger man that the girls need, and I guess they decided to choose the alternate route of going soft.

On that count, I would agree with the common saying that Singaporean girls are getting more picky. On one hand, we want our men to be sensitive to our needs (hence the invention of the SNAG). On the other hand, we want our men to stand up as the Master of the Our Universe when we need/want them to. Or so it seems.

HOWEVER, it's unfortunate to note too, that the local men are not making their efforts to increase their God-given masculine elements. Sloppy dressing, inability to hold the doors for anyone (see more in my "The Pathetic Race called Singapore Men (especially Single Ones)" blog), and other mommy's-boy behaviour left nothing to be desired for.

So whose court is the ball at in the local scene of dating?

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I think tonight I had the worse behaviour that truly sends the alarm of Spinsterhood lighting up.

Tonight is the umpteenth time I argued with my family member over the television programme to watch.

The Victim: My mother
The Case: Channel 8's Ugly Betty or Channel 5's My Friendly Neigbourhood
My mom did mentioned to us earlier that she wanted to watch something on Channel 8 at 1030pm, but I didn't thought she mean it, because she always turns in early nowadays. So I happily switched the channel after the the 10pm news. She wanted to watch her show, I insisted on Ugly Betty. I got angry and switched back to channel 8, and said with contempt "Ok, watch it." I guessed she got pretty pissed off with my attitude and turned off the tv after 5 mins, returning to her room.

As I was watching Ugly Betty-America's Next Top Model, I thought to myself that I am going to get a new tv set and move the old one into my room, and did some mental calculations of the costs of the new tv set. Then the thoughts gradually evolved to conversations to myself, in my head.

"Was it necessary for you to blow your top like that?"

"It's just TV, for heaven's sake! You can always watch it from the internet. Why are you acting like a demanding teenager?"

"You are acting up because you have nothing else to do on a Sunday night, 'cept for watching TV huh? You are pathetic."

"You pathetic spinster. Things would definitely look differently if you are seeing someone now."

"That's right. You have finally reached the place where you've feared the most. You ARE a spinster now. Behaving pretty much like one too."

"I would have to be more active in my prowling now."

"Go get them! You have to get SOMEONE!"

"I don't want to BE A SPINSTER! I definetely don't want to act like one! God help me! Please!"

And so, it became clear to me that I had driven myself up Spinsterlane, and the first ones to get hit by me are my family, 'cos I don't show much of the real me when I am with my friends.

And you know what? I hated myself for behaving so immaturely. It was uncalled for, and certainly, not the most pleasant thing about me, who seemed like a nice girl to everyone in the world, 'cept my own family.

I must resolved this. I don't want it to argue with my family over minute things like that anymore.

But I really don't have any solutions to the no-dating situation. There's nothing much I can do.

I can only PRAY.

Notables...

My mother and eldest sister had an argument today. It was over my brother in law (who has a minor mental condition, which requires certain enviromental and emotional condition). It had been a long drawn issue (as with any issue my mother has) and didn't went on well. However, before we had dinner, they reconciled.

Thank God. Praise you.

In my heart, I had felt that it was a necesary incident, so that my mother will see that what she has been picking on are superficial problems. The real issue is the pressure she is adding on to my sister, who is already trying very hard to manage the husband, her work and the girls, plus the live-in parents in law and maid.

My mother has always brought up the issue with me time and time again, and I have told her that my brother in law's condition is not as simple as she sees it, for he is not the same as the rest of us. I am beginning to think that she sees that as an issue probably because she compared herself with her friends. Seeing the life that they live are so different from hers, she probably wanted to make her voice heard.

Gawd. People do the darndest things to drive you crazy huh?

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Last night I was out for an unwind session with two girlfriends, P and JA (P's ex-colleague). We went to +Sentosa.

Upon arrival, we thought we should check out the Songs of The Sea laser show, since it has been pretty well publicised in the media. We managed to get tickets ($6 for non-Islander, $4 for Islander) show for the 7.40pm. It was a great improvement from the previous laser show at the Musical Fountain, and we all agree that $4 for the 20 mins show was money well spent. By the way, I meant the show was great, as in the effects and other stuffs hor... BTW, bring your sunglasses if your eyes are sensitive to strong lights at night. There was a synchornised display of fireballs that lasted approximately about 3 mins or so during the show, but because my eyes were sensitive to the light, I didn't really pay attention to the display :(

After the show, our original intention to return to the beach pub where P got married to J, and to have dinner there, before checking out Cafe del Mar(sp?). But a private function was being held at the pub, so we ended up having ice-creams and microwave food from the 7-11 nearby. Stayed there till the place closed at 10pm and left the island for Vivo City. We had wanted to go to Cafe Del Mar(sp?) nearby, but upon hearing that it cost $200 to sit at the day bed there "forget it lah"...

While trying to settle on our next destination, we sat in front of the Golden Village cinema and do people watching while talked just about anything. One hour slipped by and we have yet to decide where to go.

Finally, we moved out butts and took the last train to Clarke Quay, to meet up with J, who is helping out at a flying club called +GoFlyKite.com We left the place at 12am, and the owner of the shop brought us to a place at in Boon Lay to have supper in a Chinese eatery (literally Chinese - the food, the cook, the servers :)

By the time I got home, it was about 2am. I was tired, but I thought the night was well spent. Lots of laughter, lotsa gossips, lotsa fun.

I was truly, UNWIND-UNWOUNDED(?!) :)

Bleahz...

It's becoming very restless, this life of mine.

Everyday's just lack-lustre. The process of selecting clothes to go to work has become an extremely pathetic and challenging chore - the wardrobe seemed to be full clothes, but none of them are suitable to wear to clothes (that is, even when I work in a creative industry, where one need not wear too formally) . It seems that the regular clothes that were worn to work were gone.

It's not as if many were unwashed or were un-ironed. They just don't seem substantial for selection. As a result, and this worker wore the most uninspired clothes to work. Uncoordinated top and the same set of accessories for 3 consecutive days.

That's bore 1.

There's no desire to go hang out or whatsoever, somewhat. Things are looking uninteresting. The shopping malls offer no excitement, shops were passed by without a desire to checkout the items sold. Well, there was a time when a stopover was made at the Aldo shoe and bags store at Suntec mall, en route to watch Wild Hogs.

What really holds the desire back was probably the thought of having to scrimp on expenditure for a period of time, 8 mths to be exact. Because the decision has been made to pay the translation tuition fee to the company via deduction from the monthly salary starting this month. The intentions to move on to other places with the skill kinda propelled this attempt to clear the "debt" as soon as possible with this company before I move on.

So that's a plan. A very bright, hopeful one indeed. However, what's hard to bear is it's process.

Anyway, better to bite the bullet than to drag on.

So that's bore 2.

Bore 3 is the perpetual bugging recently that my attempts to get myself acquainted with have turned futile. Nevertheless, the search is still on.

Arrrrggggghhhhhh. How?

(In this post, attempts have been made to reduce the mention of "I". Kinda getting tired of the perpetual mention of myself recently.)

Late Night Blabber

It's not that I chose to be single. It's not that I didn't lookout for potential.

I do, I do, I do. And I did, I did, I did.

Nowadays, I realised that the first thing I do when I am present in events (such as weddings or or occasions where I get to meet new people) is to scan the room for men who seemed to be... Alone. Yes, looking for potential. I am always on the prowl. I even intiated to talk to the new guys in the office next to ours *Growl...*

It's not that I didn't do my part. I did my best to sniff out eligible bachelors at these events. But unfortunately, I am always invited to events where married men make-up the larger percentage of the guests.

The rest... They can't hold a conversation properly. Or they talk too much about themselves. Or they need to grow up. Or are too old. Or, are gay.

Anyway, those events are one-time events. I will never get to see that person who impressed me again. And so, the search came to a halt.

And the cycle repeats itself on the next event. And I am still as single as ever.

It's not that I didn't try.

Bono

Pastor shared a video clip of Bono accepting an NAACP award today. The sermon went along the line of not conforming to this world (specifically to the young people), but be an impact to the world, citing Bono as an example.

I am not glamourising the man, and I never try to magnify the fact that Bono is a Christian (albeit a controversial one) when I listen to his music. However, the speech he gave tugged a part of me, and I thought, "how true..."

It's That Time Of The Month...

First day in fact. And I am feelin' kinda... disruptive?

It's time to sleep, and I can't sleep. That, and beside the fact that I had my 3rd cup of coffee today. 've been drinking alot of that lately. I went for a one teaspoon, one cup a day for sometime successfully, and I've forgotten how the habit crept back again.

I feel that I need to do something, but I don't know what. I've got nothing to research online (honestly, I do not "surf" the internet nowadays). But I didn't want to turn off the computer.

It's the kind of the feeling of frustration or lost, I suppose. Like, why am I spending my time aimlessly like that?

The hormones have been tumbling themselves within my body recently. An exceptionally higher threshold for food. Extremely sensitive to comments about things pertaining to me. Bouts of uncontrollable change of emotions (usually for the worst) just like that. Sudden desire to do things I would not do otherwise.

PLUS the extreme hot weather that we've been getting recently. It can really get me frustrated easily. +They always +tell us,

Partly cloudy,Showers with thunder over many areas in the afternoon
Temperature: 25 to 32 degrees Celsius
Relative Humidity: 65 to 95 percent
High Tide: 2.9 m at 1:20 A.M.

They 25 degrees Celsius is never true. And I feel more of a 36 degrees Celsius than a 32.

Argh. THE HEAT is unbearable!

While I was helping my nieces with their homework, it came to a point I told them, "The weather is hot, so don't make me scold people." It seemed to work, and they obediently (out of fear, I suppose, haha!) did not try to get me frustrated. Big Niece even ask me, "Sanyi, so when you are angry, you scold people very loudly one ha?" I wasn't smiling then, but trying to be calm (in the heat) and told her that I will not shout loudly, I would just be very angry."

It's definitely the combination of the heat and the first day.

I hope I would be better soon.

This Song "Popped" Into My Head

I saw the movie "Music and Lyrics" last month and this song sorta left an impression on me. This music video is so classic 80s!

Quite A Stir...

About Chow Yuen Fatt mentioned "Welcome to Singapore!" (not sure to who) in the trailer of +Pirates of the Carribean Part 3 - At World's End.

As a pirate, supposedly.

Juz chill, people. It's a MOVIE based on one of the adventure rides/theme park in Disneyland. It is FICTION! It does not represent fact!

Besides, the portrayal of the Singapore as a pirate-infested harbour during those times is not relevent in the modern context.

I mean, seriously. Are the people going for the movie (in countries other than Singapore) going to come out of the theatre thinking to themselves, "I think I will cancel my holiday to Singapore, because there're pirates there!" Seriously?

Just another one of those duh moments from me as an observer.

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The shootout at Virginia Tech was kind of startling.

Happened just after I wrote about DH's episode about supermarket shootout.

My heart and prayers to those affected. I cannot understand your pain, but I know life is not going to be the same for you.

Be strong and courageous.

I Did The Most Unthinkable

I've just told the friend whom I went to Bangkok with that I didn't think the trip wasn't that good. On MSN.

I say: i thought about the trip

I say: din think it was that good

I say: (sorry har, i am being honest, doing honest review)

I say: it wasn;t that good for me lah

I say: i am speaking for myself only

She says: k

I say: probably because my expectations are different

And then she went "Away".

I know, I know, I was being VERY BLUNT. Harsh even.

But I thought about the whole thing while walking home from my aerobics class last evening. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that I should speak up. It wasn't what I would term as a "go on a travel" trip. We did things exactly the way we do them in Singapore.

I am putting a friendship at risk. But I felt I need to be honest. I don't want this to go down in history.

Now we wait.

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While typing this, she replied.

She says: k

I say: it's not that the entire thing was bad

I say: i do enjoy the japanese food and the convenience of moving around shopping complexes from our hotel

I say: i probably have peg my expectations too high for a 3 day 2 night trip

I say: i will have to learn to communicate my expectations next time

I say: just thought I would let you know my thoughts on this, and that I am grateful that you have arranged everything.

Now we wait again.

A TV Episode Post

(This is an observation I wrote after watching the tv series Desperate Housewives. So you decide to read it or not.)

I actually cried while watching Desperate Housewives just now.

Yeah, the crazy, silly show about 4 (5 if you consider Edee as one of them) women dealing their problems with career, men (husbands or lovers), kids and other medicore things women have in general. I am surprised myself.

The reason why I teared? This episode feature a hostage situation in a supermarket. This woman found out her husband cheated on her (the lover's dead) and went to the place he works and tries to threaten him.

Before that, Bree brushed away Caroline's (the woman) hints that her husband might have killed his ex-wife, and Bree told her to mind her own business. While everyone's watching the news about the hold-out at the supermarket, Bree, while doing her best as her host, serves her guests food, she felt that she was responsible for triggering Caroline's fiery anger against her unfaithful husband. And worries for her friend (Lynette) and their children (Julie, Susan's daughter), who were in the same supermarket.

On the other hand, the supermarket hold-out made a pair of arguing already-divorced couple, Carlos and Gabriel, recount their own anger and frustrations while dealing with their divorce. Both confessed that they hate the person they became while dealing with their own demons. And both decided not to hold on to the other personality that they have become.

Susan regrets accusing her daughter of behaving badly with Edee's nephew just by empty beer can she found in their trashbin earlier on. I think she called her irresponsible without finding out or trying to understand the truth.

Finally, in a fit of anger, Lynette ignited the flame on Caroline's jealousy by telling her that the woman next to her stole her husband too. With that, Caroline considers Nora as one of her enemy and fires a shot at her.

That instant, Lynette threw away all her prejudice over Nora and tried her very best to stop her from bleeding. Nora made her promise to take care of her daughter before breathing her last.

Lynette, always full of justice, couldn't stand any longer and confronted Caroline, and got a shot in the arm. Some hussle and tussle later, another lady, who's kid was taught by Caroline in Sunday School (of all places, duh) grabbed the gun and shot at Caroline. The saga finally ended.

What will always stay on my mind:
When Lynette confronted Caroline, she told her that everyone in the supermarket has problems, but nobody goes around shooting other people. We swallow it up and move on.

That's true isn't it. There's a fine line between being consumed by our own anger and acting foolishly, or holding it down and moving on with life. I've always believe that it's a matter of tolerance and forebearance.

Our tolerance and patience are getting shorter and shorter. We do less of forgiving, and did more of freaking out. It's ok if we are trying products, if they ain't working, they could be thrown away. However, that is the same treatment we render to others. If someone doesn't fit our list, we flare up. We refuse to listen to explanations, insist that they are wrong, and give up on them.

Also, we don't realise how short our lives are, not until something drastic happens to someone we love, or are close to us. Just this week, my boss felt some heart constrictions and was diagnosed that he has heart blockages. This kind of thing never occur to me until it's so close.

If not for the supermarket shootout, the 4 women wouldn't rethink the lives that they have been living everyday. The angry words will continue to be exchanged, hearts will be hurt, misunderstandings will continue to grow.

Why do we always need "sacrificial lambs"
to wake us up from our muddled minds?

Because we live in a fallen world. Because no one is perfect.

Life is short. What are you doing with it now?

Alrightee, Let's See...

Talking to myself:
I think your blog is just like a diary. Do you want to think over it and see if you want to continue this style of writing?

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[ Bangkok ]

Much to my dismay, my trip turned out to be a shopping trip. Yeah.

The friend I went with initially told me to go look up for places of interests to visit. Thus, my earlier post about me being excited to do all those look up stuffs. But upon reaching, she seemed to have forgotten that she has told me that before, and told me that there is enough places for me to "visit". To which, she meant, the shopping centres.

I guess her trips to Bangkok with friends and colleagues are always shopping-based. Hence, she knew the shopping area well, leading the way, passing from one mall to another. Yep, she became the leader. And when I mentioned about going to Chao Phrya River, she said it would take an entire day, and so we gave up the idea.

So for the 3 days and two evenings in Bangkok, I was going from one shopping mall to another. And end up buying alot of stuffs. C'mon, I am a woman, and I am in the shopping hub, what else can I do?

On one hand, I do understand that given the limited no. of days in Bangkok, it was not easy to plan to do touristy stuffs. But I think the main grouse I had about myself is that I didn't communicate clearly to my friend of my intention to do touristy stuffs, and not shopping.

I am not a shopper. But the Singaporeans that I am amongst are shoppers, so alot of times, I really do not want to go on tours with my friends. Not because I do not like their company, but our interests are so different. I want to see what is the country about, why is it different from ours. But Singaporeans want to do what they did in Singapore in the country of visit. Shop and eat. In fact, I only managed to eat one time of Tom Yam Kung at a food court. My other meals are 2x of breakfast at the hotel, 2 x japanese food for lunch, and a dunkin donut while taking a break for my tired legs.

My friend really can walk. After seeing me massaging my feet and leg at the hotel room after a day of walking, she said "How are you going to go shopping with the shoppers like that?" Well, thank God I am not a shopper. :D

I remember how I enjoyed the mission trips I had previously. I live the life of a local and totally enjoy it. There were no shopping trips, but I came back positively happier than I was before everytime.

I may need to explore going on tours by myself.

Or if I am going with a group, I probably have to make it clear to them that I am not joining them for shopping mall tours.

It is possible. I just need to make myself heard.

[ People. Contact. Attention. No Judgement.]

Met up with friend who is going to be a mother soon in September for fish soup at Plaza Singapura food court on Wednesday.

It was not a a planned conception, and she did share that she actually had so many plans laid up for this year. She admits that she is constantly wrestling with God on the things of her life, this being one of them. I can tell that she is still a lil unsure of her role, and more unwilling to be a mother at this point in time.

We shared about our career moves, her husband, church and stuffs. It was a short 3 hour meet up. But I am just so glad that things are still the same between the both of us, that we can still share our heart out, even though we have not touch base for a long time.

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With her, I can share about anything without inhibitions. With her background (Malaysian who migrated to Canada, came to Singapore to work, married in Malaysia, came back here to live with her husband), I felt comfortable sharing with her my fears, my grouses, my hopes and my faith. Being a non-Singaporean, she listens without judging my words, and shares in my disappointments. She remembers the issue I had with my previous company years before and asked if it has been settled. She shares every bit of her life with me, without inhibitions.

I am seldom able to do this with a Singaporean. Somehow, Singaporean women would go in two directions. They will either brush aside my sharing and tell me that things will work out themselves (or God will make things happen), or zoom in on me and treat me as a serious case.

I don't understand why can't they see my sharing as a part of me as a person, as a normal human being who has emotions and flesh and blood. When I share, I want your attention, not to see me as your "patient" who requires only your lip service telling me everything is going to be alright. I want your empathy, your ears and your heart.

(At this point, I must confess I may have committed these faults before, so technically, this post is about me too.)

Last time, I gave my attention, empathy, ears and heart to others, and receive nothing in return for a long time. I continued to give, because I was a generous giver then. I saw that nobody was there, and I stepped in to try to mend things.

I can't do that anymore. I gave too much, and drained. I retreated too, because I am weary.

However, the giver in me is still there. It will make a comeback, in due time. In fact, soon, I believe.

[ Just A Thought Over Lunch ]

The day after I came back from Bangkok, I took a day off.

Feeling hungry, I went to the nearby Food Centre to have my lunch, cos I was the only one at home then. I bought my Lor Mee and sat myself on the same side as two women on the same table, as they were chatting rather loudly, conveniently I eavesdropped their conversation.

Their entire chatting session over lunch was about movie stars, singers, korean drama, japanese shows, concerts, entertainment gossips, etc...

I wonder to myself: I would be a very sad person if all the things that I talk to my friend are about other people. I would be very sad if the only topics between my friend and I are the gossips of movie stars and the latest Korean drama.

What about our lives?



[ Presents! :D ]

Oh yes! Remember the Ipod incident last month? My friend sent me a replacement. It's the real thing. Heh :D

I got a black 8GB IPOD NANO! Wahahahaha! :D I've been keeping myself occupied with ripping my CDs and dropping all my mp3s into this wonderous gadget for the past couple of days.

And it came with Easter goodies too and a very very pretty rabbit :D

Am I blessed or what? :D

Thank you! :D

Back

I am back from Bangkok since Tuesday.

However, I am a lil lazy to write updates.

So, here's a little bit of me for now.

- Be back soon. -

Good Friday

Somebody sent me a link to this video of Bo Bice singing the title track of a Will Ferrell's funny movie (nope, me not a fan of the man, you'd see why), "Blades of Glory", a movie about male figure skaters. I am not too sure if the movie will come to Singapore, but in case it doesn't here's the music video of Bo Bice singing the title track. Just for kicks. :D



Blades of Glory at Myspace

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It's Good Friday and I am almost done with my time on the computer. Yep, my church has nothing going on today, and since there aren't any interesting programmes on tv, I thought I would get my research for my vacation in Bangkok done. The computer hung on me a few times, so that explains why I spent the ENTIRE DAY at the computer.

It's not my first time travelling overseas. But it's different this time because we are not following a group. There's no leader, and we will need to plan our activities on our own.

I know, I sound like a first-time traveller. So... green. You get the idea if you have travelled alone previously.

I remember feeling the same way when I began my first trip to KL on my own, bus and/or train. Doing my own state to state transfers, etc. Now it's coming back. And I hope fpr more to come in the future.

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I watched "Working Girl" too, when I was at the computer today. It's stil as inspiriting as it was. The final scene still moved me. "Let The River Run" returns to dwell in my mind.

Main thing I picked up when I re-watch this show is that Tess McGill has a dream, and she did what she can to fullfill it. She took courses, watched the markets, seized the opportunity, did well (even though she did it unofficially), got recognised by the big corporate guys and was lifted up from her struggling life as a regular secretary.

Indeed, this is a movie

For anyone who's ever won. For anyone who's ever lost.
And for everyone who's still in there trying.

Things On My Mind Right Now

Travel. Travel. Travel. I may not end up in a relationship, marriage or have a family on my own. But I must-must-must be financially independent to sustain my lifestyle and to pursue my dreams. Then I can travel from one place to another. This is such a big planet and a wonderful world our Maker has made for us to explore!

I am not earning enough to do that. As in financially independent. A pay increment is not within the horizon. Just patronizing words.



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My translation training. What did I do with it? NOTHING. :S Being busy at work and entertaining friends IS NOT AN EXCUSE. I need to start cracking on those practices and start to go get the $$.

Or at least, recoup the money that was used to paid for the course. Which, incidentally, though there is no increment, bosses have decided to pay for a part of it. Thank you, Lord! It's a big load off, even though I need to pay for the remainders, after the SDF subsidy.

I need to get cracking on securing jobs with my translation skills.

It is not an option, to do it or not. If I want it, I got to do it.



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Frugal April. Frugal spending from this month onwards. Cut down on lavish dinners and unnecessary expenditure. Seriously, if the money didn't go into my stomach, it could've gone into my Travel Fund. Or Home Improvement Fund. Or Nieces Could Learn Something Fund.

If I am going to end up living as a Spinster for the rest of my life, I better end up a rich financially independent Spinster.

It is possible. I just need to curb my habits.

It's not difficult. If only I would try.



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Yes, dear readers. I am having serious ponderings about my financial situation again. But don't worry, it's not about not having enough money. It's more about how I manage the money. I don't like the way I handle finances right now (though it's better these days). And I am going to work with God to find a better way to do so.

I don't need donations. I only need you to say a prayer for me:

"God, please help Joyce to learn how to manage her finances and be a good steward of the blessings that you have given her. With a portion of your wisdom, please help her to learn to use her resources wisely. And please continue to fill her with joy and hope in You. In Jesus' Name, Amen."

Thank you.