When I Am On My Own

I was at the waiting area at the MOS Burger Restaurant, waiting to collect my dinner and my mom's.

I saw people in pairs or small groups. Couples, friends, colleagues... The only other person who was as alone like me was a middle-age lady who, like any other lady of her age, was dressed in black slacks and a bright green blouse. Her hair was permed and tied up, with a hint of makeup on her face.

Then it hit me.

I am a lonely woman, sitting at a takeaway fast-food restaurant, waiting for her dinner to be "da bao" and taken home. The same woman who does her grocery (or mostly snacks and tidbits) alone at the supermarket. The woman who goes shopping on her own, who goes to town alone after office hours.

(I have thought of going to an arts event on my own, but the cost of the ticket kinda lessen the desire. It's not really the price, somewhat, I felt unjustifiable to pay for a ticket money to see an event on my own. Yeah, it's weird. I hope to overcome that someday.)

Friends either have better company, or are busy with work or family.

I felt very lonely for about 1 minute. And then I recovered.

I have a feeling these moments will come more often now.

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There was a little incident that happened this week.

A gift that I thought was too much for me to receive arrived on Wednesday. After I've decided to keep the gift, I realised the gift was a replica of the real thing. So I have to return the gift to the sender, who wasn't aware that the gift was not the real deal, so that he can get a refund.

During that period, there was this intense moments where I ask myself repeatedly: I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this. It's too much. It's too expensive.

I know some of my friends have no problems receiving gifts of higher values. To them, it's a gift, and if it is so, just receive it. I know too, that it's not right to reject a gift that was well-intended.

And when I realised that the item was a knockoff from the real deal, I have like, this thousand thoughts running through my head. Erm... So what do I do next? It's so bizarre that events took a turn. I was at lost of what to do for sometime.

Thankfully, we IM and decided that the item would be returned. I actually get to return it, which was what I wanted to do in the first place. Another strange turn of events.

So anyway, after this, I have decided that I should have a new attitude when I receive gifts. Gifts of anything: compliments, presents, attention... I need to fix that "I don't deserve it" attitude and accept them with grace. Afterall, I don't deserve a lot of things in this world I live, but The Giver has given so much to me beyond my "Things You Deserve" list.

Just as He graciously send me angels to "gift" me with things, I shouldn't use my human emotions to evaluate whether I qualify for those gifts, and reject His presents.

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I am thinking. Maybe changing this attitude will change the "singlehood" aspect of my life.

So now you know my problem.