Currently.

Bored - of doing nothing.

Tired - of feeling like a bum keying furiously on the computer instead of being productive.

Uncertain - Which path should I take? Was it right to choose to wait for the best one?

Lonely - cos there is no one whom I can share all these with.

Painful :(

I don't know why am I getting so emotional over it. It seems so painful to be so alone.

It will do me lotsa good if I could lie in the arms of someone and just enjoy the silence that envelopes us.

I long for that intimacy. Someone offered more than that to me, but it will lead to something else.

I have to say no.

It's painful.

Lonely.

Desperately in need of companionship. The romantic kind.

Money Makes the World Go Round

The previous company has stalled my pay for 2 weeks.

This morning I send an IM to the HR manager there to understand why was the situation as such. She told me that some payments were not in yet, and she has been chasing for payments everyday. It doesn't help that one of the payment is handled by some incompetent person whom the boss trust with 'experience'. I worry when will the money come in.

So I told Ms HR that I might want to go to MOM if they are not taking any action, and ask her if it is ok that I raise the issue directly to the boss or does she want to convey to him the message. She told me that she will relay the message to him. Right after she spoke to him, I received an SMS from him.

He said that he was disappointed that i "threaten" him with the MOM and without discussing this issue with him directly, and instead went through Ms HR, and that he had expected more from me for being with him so long. He told me to go ahead with reporting if I think it could solve the problem. And told him that I need not reply to him "Take Care".

Clearly, someone was reading between the lines. I had to reply and state that she was the one who agreed to raise the issue up to him and that I wasn't threatening.

And the reply came that it seems like his is the last to know, and that I can do whatever I want, he doesn't care anymore.

I am flabbergasted (the same tone as many Pro-Gay AWARE people). I have had my bad encounter with employers who do not pay up, and I was just doing something that is clearly something I had to do as an employee. I knew this will happen, because people tend to take sentimental value and get emotional. I couldn't waver.

I just find it funny that he is the one who advocated conversations as communication, yet he was the one who constantly sends emails and sms-es to 'communicate' his intentions.

I guess in his mind i am the betrayer, the vicious heartless staff.

Argh. Whatever.

The bridge has been burnt.

Treasures in the Garden

Sophie bent down to scrutinise the soil. That little shiny spot seemed to promise a surprise.

She had spent the whole morning combing the garden. Her father told her that he has something hidden there for her. She was excited because it's been a while since she went on a treasure hunt. And surprises by her father are always special, they seemed to be made specially for her.

Now back to the bright shiny spot. It seemed to be covered in wire meshes. Doesn't seemed to be 'treasure material', like her cousin Lucy said when they did the treasure hunt some time ago.

Sophie thinks that shiny spot is worth some digging, and went back into the house to get her bright yellow spade. "Mommy, mommy, I found something!" she shouted excitedly as she ran into the house...

(to be continued...)

Dangerous

I have a confession to make.

I am having a crush on a married man. Someone who is totally not my league of 'I will married kind'. Someone totally bad and no good for me.

It is the first time I felt that way towards a married man. Normally, I know they are out of bounds, and I will gauge my distance from them.

But this time... goodness me, I think I am allowing myself to even be seduced by him.

Yeah, it is that attractive. He is attractive. He makes me tingles everytime I talk to him.

He is not attractive in his looks, but he has that kind of charisma that oozes out even when I talk to him on MSN. It is truly the kind of delicious manliness that attracts me.

It doesn't help that he tells me that he finds me attractive too :S

We do some flirting online sometimes, and I always have to tell myself to watch what my words, cos I am always very close to confessing my attraction to him. Argh.

I have to constantly tell myself to wake up and not fantasize. And to keep my distance from him. Heck, I even met his wife and their daughter. I kept reminding myself: You don't want to destroy it.

I know he will treat me well if we are alone together. In many sense of the word. It's the kind of dangerous affair that satisfy the lonely heart and destroy the lives of others.

I remained seduced, even till now. But the line will have to be drawn, otherwise, I fear I will do things that even I myself will be surprised.

But he is sooo attractive and delicious in anyway, I mean, I would rather be seduced in this manner than to face a block of wood. He is so much more exciting!

:(

But the right thing to do is to stay away from fire. No matter how attractive it is.

:(

The Last To Know

One of the manager who works with me returns to the office today from her overseas trip. Which was granted to her even when she has worked for under 3 months... But oh well, she was employed and engaged by the Boss so...

We were talking about some work and then she told me that the Boss had written an email to her to ask her that due to an internal restructuring, she will be be shifted to perform account servicing duties for the agency that I was previously in. Being her immediate superior, I should be informed of the change before the email is sent to her, right? Well, I wasn't.

I was surprised (who wouldn't?) to hear that, and was calm about it. At the same time, more people came into the room where we were meeting, and everyone exclaimed at the email that the Boss sent about a minute later.

The message announced the various meetings that will be held on Monday, and one of the items was a meeting of my agency with the manager of another agency.

"Why is That Manager (TM) in the meeting that involves your agency?" The Other Manager asked the both of us. "Well, because she will be taking care of both agency!" I exclaimed, with a whiff of sarcasm, and clapped my hands in mock glee.

The Other Manager (TOM) looked at me with disbelief, "You have tendered your resignation already?" "No, if I did, the whole world will know about it." She looked at me with another round of intensity in her eyes. "So what is going on?" I smiled.

In term of seniority, I am longer in the company than TM, and older than her. TOM know something is wrong with the way the email is written. Later on, when the other folks have left the room, The Other Manager (TOM) came to me again and asked again, "What is going on? Why is this arrangement about?"

Having known of the email that was sent to my manager earlier, I gave her a reply, still looking at my laptop, "Aiyah, he can do whatever he wants lah, I don't care anymore." I am obviously displeased with the way the way the news is being disseminated.

I am simply put off by the way that Boss is going structure his organisation. If he thinks that I am no longer suitable for my position and my role as the manager of the agency, he can jolly well let me know that I can leave. There is no need for him to do his 'restructuring' just to make himself look like he is benevolent to me.

Even when he said he has not given up on me, his actions, in many ways are telling me that he has. Just as with all the Singaporean men that I know, he doesn't want to say it, and is just waiting for me to give up. Just to affirm himself.

What happened today is the last straw. My agreement with him in our last conversation is that I will stay for 3 months to make things work. Half a month has gone, and he has not given me any reason to stay on for the next 2 months. He wrote to me in an email that he will downsize my pay to the amount where I started off with him, and in the meeting, 'was expecting' me to 'fight' for my pay.

I found no reason to fight. If that is the figure that he has derived from my contribution to the company for the past one and a half year, I respect that. I will not beg for more money, because I always believe being in a higher position than me, my superior knows what is my worth.

I am not going to beg. I have no reason to fight for someone who has lost his faith in me.

This is the end of the road. It's time to move on.