I am very baffled at what P.E's request...

A. called me today and told me that J. received a message from P.E. She has requested to run a slideshow of some sort during service this Sunday service about her stay in S.A. She hopes to run in this Sunday cos it's Children's Day. I asked A. a few times to confirm it... Did she request to have that run during service.. A. says yes, it was a last minute request from P.E. to have that this Sunday.

For a while, I was really really surprised... Why have to run her studies story during service on Children's Day? What message is she trying to send?

At the back of my mind, I have a very troubled thought. We are celebrating Children's Day this Sunday, it's a day to remember the children in our midst. It is not a day to celebrate HER.

Or maybe she want to spur the children to remember her, cos maybe she is studying and also having exams like them.

But still, I find it really disturbing... Why does she want to have attention on her, specifically on Children's Day? Why can't it be any other day?! And such a last minute notice. For a while I thought she wants to send a video of herself and run it during service, then A. told me it's pictures of S.A. and maybe some info and stuffs. It'd be scary to think that P.E. will speak from video during worship service... It's like she is the Almighty....

I also thought, how come J. and A. actually accede to her request? Didn't they give her their opinions, or are they also led along by her?

Moreover, she will be back in November... is there a necessity to show what is she doing during these past months? OR is she worried that she will be forgotten?

In any case, my alarm start ringing when I hear about the request. I seriously think that it's a bit over-done to show what she is doing at where she is doing, during such an event. Of all occasions.

I think I better write to her to tell her that we probably could do it another Sunday, if she is asking for prayer. If she is not happy at my arrangement...

then something is definitely wrong...

Hey B.,

Thanks for prayin'...... Yes, I am feeling better technically, so to speak...
You read my blog, you probably can agar what I am going through now... I am now trying to stay as low profile as I can... Given that I cannot hide under certain circumstances, I will do my best in those, other than that, I would rather slip away quietly...

I truly feel better knowing that I can have my own space when nobody notices me. Acknowledging that I am not of vital importance in some group of people puts my view in the right perspective, and by doing that, I do not feel bitter if I am not include in group outings or whatever. I can revel in the fact that I have the freedom instead of being bounded to regular activities by a certain group of people who do things cos they need to do it. It unloads the unnecessary expectations from people and makes the equation : single and friendless = freedom.

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Hey B.,

Thanks for prayin'...... Yes, I am feeling better technically, so to speak...
You read my blog, you probably can agar what I am going through now... I am now trying to stay as low profile as I can... Given that I cannot hide under certain circumstances, I will do my best in those, other than that, I would rather slip away quietly...

My intention to stay away is to stay away from people hounding me.. Sad but true, but I feel that people are hounding me and won't let me go till I completed what they expected me to do.

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Hey B.,

Thanks for prayin'...... Yes, I am feeling better technically, so to speak...
You read my blog, you probably can agar what I am going through now... I am now trying to stay as low profile as I can... Given that I cannot hide under certain circumstances, I will do my best in those, other than that, I would rather slip away quietly...

I want you to know that your love for me are heartfelt and genuine. I know also that I am not alone in this quest to make a difference in church. I am sorry to say that at this point of the race, I have to stop the run and move to the side to rest.

Maybe I am selfish to just give up like that, cos I am letting my own agenda precedes the church's. I have given up the fight. I am rather hurt by the inconsideration of my needs by the church. However, it's something I had to do. I had to do it, otherwise, my spiritual, physical and emotional juice will be squeezed out for "the greater good".

You will not lose me, technically speaking, since we are all under one God. I'd just be somewhere not so near QBC, that's all.

Thanks for the invitation to Y..., I think now is not the time to think about it... At this point in time, socialising with people is something I try to do away as much as possible. Hence, I'd rather slip away quickly than to pretend to be happy and everything-is-ok.

Thanks for expressing your sincerity to want to walk alongside with me. I will remember this gentle gesture of you for remembering me and standing with me.

Much love,
J.

Last night was yet another sit down in the family. Nobody knows what is going to happen, who to expect, what to cater for, for the GUO DA LI. Sister has her own set of what to expect, mom has her own, elder sis trying to chip in.

All ended up in ONE BIG CONFUSION.

Alas, I have to bring everyone together and see what went wrong in their communication, and to meet everyone halfway. It turned out that Sis never wanted to have a buffet reception on Saturday, mom thought she had to have a buffet reception, and the buffet reception idea was mooted by Elder Sis. Nobody is hearing each other out, but everyone wants to have their say. Why do people always work this way?

I mean.. HELLO... Am I the only person who is listening and not talking on this planet??!?! Everywhere also like that.. ARgh.

Why do I always have to be the one who take cares of business when things screwed up? Why do people always have to depend on me.. Can I go depend on someone else? I am just sooooooooo tired of people depending on me for solution.

Good thing in the end everybody knows what each other is thinking and we decided to do away with the buffet thing. Personally, I think it's a waste of time to do it. We'll just have some home-cooked meals for the guests lah, what's the big deal? Argh. We not very rich ya know.

Haiz... I have been handling all this kinda messy things lately... God, you really look me up... You really believe I can handle all of this huh?

I can lah, but.. I am doing this all on my own leh... It's emotional strain and I am running out of supply soon. I am drying up to the bones trying to solve other people's problem. Who's gonna solve mine?

This morning, I felt like I was experiencing one of the 24 hrs of being one Jesus' disciples during his ministry...

I woke up and told God, can I don't go to 1st service? I'd go for the meeting at 11am for sure.. but can I don't go for service.. I am very tired.

Yesterday at 1pm, I met up with the 3 person for the worship issue. One insisted his point of view, the other was seeing it from both sides, yet another only came to know about the issue when emails starts to fly around. I was there... Maintaining the stand of the ministry.

He left in the middle of the meeting, not agreeing with us that we need to have sometime to re-assess the worship situation from the worship coordinator's perspective. We can't help it, but were sad. But we will go ahead anyway. I left the church feeling strange.. if only we know about this earlier... why wasn't it made known to us earlier?

I had been tired the whole of Saturday and had to rest. I plonk into my bed the moment I reached home. Didn't really sleep much though.

Had dinner with sister and nieces.. nice one.. chap ba lang.. after sending them off in a cab, I head to CW's house to have a chat, since he's back in town.

We talked about missions, the church, my situation, etc.. I remember Kim told me, and CW fully agree, that I should take a rest. But not leave the church. Now I am not to sure about that. As long as I am visible, I don't think I get the rest I want. Seriously.

From what I gather in 1pm and here up till 11.30pm, it seems to me that the church leaders are not listening to what the ground is hearing. And a whole lot of stuffs. I was told that I should talk to P.E. about the ground situation in the ministry, together with some of the leaders who are concerned.

Then I went home, hearing complaints from my sister that my elder sister didn't write the names on the cards as instructed. I was tired, and told her how would I know, you didn't even instruct me to do. Went to the toilet. Reflected on what I have been receiving for the past 12 hours.

I came out and ask her what needs to be done. Together with our blur mother, who still is not sure who to invite for church etc.. we sorted the invitation cards and cake vouchers till about 3am.

Orh mannnn... TIRED.

And this morning, I was really surpised at my wrestle with God. But of course, God won lah.

I went to the 11am meeting feeling tired and barely remember what I need to do. Thank God the rest knows what they need to do. Crammed in Room A (I'll never forget this!), we came out with the structure of what is to happen.

Then I remembered, that I forgot to put announcement in the bulletin for the children's Day carnival. Argh.

It's 12:04am. My week ahead is going to be crazy. Thank God, Pearl is ready to take over the remaining classes. Otherwise, I really peng san.

I can't wait for the year to end.

It has been different ever since I opened up about my intentions for next year.

There is more peace. And even though difficult things abound, I am able to see them objectively and more important, brave up to face those difficult situations.

Milestones were made. Last night I initiated to sit down and talk with my brother on his situation. It was a very eventful sit down session. As family, we rarely sit down to talk over things like that.. In fact I think we never talk like this. Somehow in our family, we think problems will disappear by themselves. I believe this is something passed down by my father. He doesn't seemed to be bothered by the problems and how it affects the family. And yes, they did go away, but it was my mother who acted on it.

Anyway,, I thought last night was good.. using his job-seeking experience as a key, it has given me a platform to help him see how he has handle and sees things, that are reflected in his job-seeking venture. Some comments I can see are direct and hurtful, but necessary. He has to learn to see things out of his own angle. That things are not as simple as he thinks they are. And change is necessary.

Anyway, I think i did quite well. I did not make it feel as if I am talking down to him, and tells him he has made progress, but more can be done. Anyway, that's my own review...

Next milestone... I am affirmed of my career path. 1st of all, my edit of chinese translation received approval from the client, with 95% passed! It was one of the things I asked God to confirm to me if I should go take up the translation course. And this morning, before I asked, B. asked me over MSN, before he board the plane, if I would like to help him translate his brochure.

How closer can I get?

I am just so thankful and glad that when I decide to close a door, another is opened.

Also, when I met PGH for lunch, I was undecided whether or not to tell her about my decision at the end of the year. Before that, she was saying if it is possible, the youth ministry welcomes me into the ministry. I finally told her, just before we parted ways. And surprisingly, she told me, I am not the only one who has express that thought. In fact, I am the 2nd person she knew of today who has express possibility of leaving QBC... Which means.... I don't know. Is God trying to put something across to the church?

There's so much changes going on, and happening very fast... What is our response to them?

Healing is already taking place.

I know it is for sure. This must be the new definition of healing, for me. When I made the decision to leave everything behind, I felt like the chains on me were cut loose. I have been dragged by my discomfort of the ways things are done for quite sometime. It was a scarey when I discovered that I had developed minor depression. It was an alarm sounded. I had to do something.

And I did.

I feel more and more liberated each day, and I am more joyful, even when faced with difficult situations and people. Of course, one of the reason is that I don't have to face them again next year lah!

The other reason is that I can finally break free from what I have been uncomfortable with. It's like the man who drank Gatorade and broke free from the parachute that hindered his race.

Yes :) I know healing is taking place. And I know God has his plans for me. I'm excited!

It dawned upon me. Our English Congregation is very cina-like in the way they handle and do things. Whereas the Chinese Congregation works their ministry in a much more liberated Western manner. They are more upfront, more active, more passionate, more excited about their ministries. The English Congregation seemed very comfortable in where they are and we are moving very slowly.

It's so strange... Well anyway, it will no longer by my concern soon.

I know I feel liberated after finalising my decision to leave everything behind. I feel much lighter, happier and not so irritated when nobody noticed me. In fact, I am very happy that people left me alone, that I am not seen by alot of people during and after service. At least now I acknowledge my place and position in church, and I'm not so bothered about being ignored or unnoticed.

As of today there are a total of 5 or 6 people who knows of my plan. People whom I know I can safely tell without worrying them spreading it like wild fire.

I can finally get myself ready to put everything behind me and move on with new beginnigs.

Can't wait for the year to end.

:)

Thanks for the flower. It was not my objective to receive them when I blog :)

They are lovely. I feel pampered and touched. And somemore, receiving it from a younger person.

I am humbled.

I am reminded that someone is willing to take her time to do this thing for me. Thanks.

I am having too many things going on during this period, and it's not easy to let go. Cos when I let go, there will be a void, and how do I fill it up? By human nature, it's easier to hold on to something that is painful, than to have nothing to grasp on or hold on to...

I don't know to react when people start to give me attention out of the blue. Please give me time to recompose myself. And when I am ready, I'll give you a call and we'll meet up, ok?

Yeah, God is in everything, and rainbows do follow after storms. It's just that my voyage seem tougher when it seems like I am travelling all this alone. Please understand.

Thanks again. I love you too.

~ Joyce ~

I woke up today with a nice-nice feeling! I don't know why... Even when my eldest sister came over to discuss with my mom about my 2nd sister's wedding preparations, about dowry and stuffs, ramblings about how 2nd sis did not organise everything well and stuffs.. I simply smile :)

And when my mom was nagging my brother about him to look for any kinda job, the normal me would intercede in their conversation and offer my sometimes "over-enthusiastic insights"... i did not do anything to it and let my mom do the talking :) Have long realised that I can't bark at my brother anymore, he has to realise the importance of him go get a job and learn how to do the interviews right.. So I'm out of the nagging loop :)

And then I realised something, I am the least problematic of the lot :) ... Even though my mom have to handle my late nights homes, and other things I do that my brother and sisters don't do.. I am the one who gives her the least thing to worry about.. I seldom complain about my job, or my personal problems to the family, and probably the only person who views things objectively... So i guess she probably worry about me lesser. To her, i am probably the more steady one... And hence, this may be the result why most of the time the family looks to me to do the decision-making.

Ahhh.... really don't know what to make out of this.. is it a bad or good thing..

Sunday afternoon.. ahhh.. what is the best thing to do?

Blog my extraordinary dull life. Sad, pathetic life... :)

I don't know why I feel so emotional in church today. That thought came back to me again.. It seems like I am going backwards when everybody is moving forwards... The church seem to be doing well in the alpha classes. Mission trips one after another. 2 hindu indian teenagers accepted Christ yesterday. One young indian accepted Christ today.

Wow wow... where am I in all this?

I didn't sing much during worship. I know the songs, and I told myself, focus on God. Don't focus on your own problems. The glory of God. How he never let me go. Then my nose turned sour and my eyes teared abit.

Then I thought about what a roller coaster week I had over the worship issue. I thought about my departure from the ministry, and possibly the church. I look at myself sitting all alone at the backbench. I thought about how J. came over to pray with me with the things that they announced for us to pray (is that hope). I thought about Ps.'s emotional lethargicness. I thought about the announcement in the bulletin for adult choir.

It's a mix of snickers and whatevers and what-to-dos. I find myself in a great contradictiing whirl of confusion.

Ps. J's preaching today seems to be rubbing salt on my wound. I don't know who is praying for me now. Specifically for what I am going through. I cringe at the mention of spiritual warfare. Indeed, I am going through that right now. I know. And the best way to attack me, is to hit me hard at my emotions. Help God, I don't know how to handle it.

The worship leaders at the children church told me that they felt torturous leading worship in that group, and wish to teach the younger ones instead. Well, at least God showed this to me before my worship meeting with the others. At least, we are moving in what God is leading us to. It's a heave of relief for me.

Then after service, somehow I wanted to cry when I heard that one of the shepherd's mom condition turned for the worst and immediately I thought to myself, I have to teach again next week? I had to compose myself in the toilet.

I can't cry in front of people. I have to be strong. And to cry because I had to teach class for another week is so ridiculous. It truly is. Now that I look at it, it's probably a built up of what I am going through, and something so small like that may trigger a disaster. Thankfully, thank God, I recovered and went to lunch with the rest. But I felt such a fake.

All of a sudden, I get people coming up to ask me how am I. I truly have no good answer for them, except "I'm ok". I mean, I can't tell them what I am going through now in between transition of services or whatever, right?

I feel funny now. Sometimes things turn out bad, sometimes things turn out good. Sometimes people cast me questions of which I have no answers to. Gosh....

People did offer me help. It's not that they did not, but I really do not know how to ask them for help. It's not as if I am the only person who is busy. How can I impose on others?

Anyway, I've decided. I'll bite the bullet and complete what I need to complete and make it "swee swee" before I leave the ministry. And the church. It's sad that I cannot be a part of this advancement of QBC. Oh, I'll get used to it.

I am going to be sacrificed for the greater good of others. I guess I have to get used to it now. Anyway, I have plans to leave this country. Church is one of the biggest thing I cannot put down with this plans. Now that things have turn this way, I guess I can finally get ready myself to move out of the country.

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I rush home cos I thought my mom wants me to go shopping with her for something. Turns out she has passed the task to sis. I wanted to ask her if she wanted to go, but the weather is hot and I'd rather stay put at home. ahh... good thing I stock up on my DVDs. Now I know why I love to watch movies. I don't have a life, hence I escape into the world of others to live my life.

"13 going on 30" is a great show. It's something I kinda can identify with. But only if I could turn back time. That's just wishful thinking. Of course things would be different. I love the innocence of Jenna at 30 years old. It kinda breathes fresh air in this world of sensual divas. It gives hope that you do not need to exudes sexiness to have a stake in this world.

It's a feel good movie basically.

Anyway... The movie feeds my pathetic, single, loveless, dateless, going-outless life. See the weather is turning cloudy again. Good thing that I decided against jogging. Dunno is tomorrow the last class for my step aerobics. I'll jog if there isn't. I just need to channel those bad vibes into energy.

~ repeating Extreme "More Than Words" mp3 ~

Dear God,

I have been always asking you to bless with the gift of encouragement. I want to be like Barnabas, encouraging people in their faith and their walk with you. I have done my best to do so. But there seems to be no Barnabas for me, even though I tried to play Barnabas to others.

Was I too ambitious to ask to be Barnabas? Did I think that I was the perfect person to encourage? Have I over-estimate my own capacity to carry the burdens of others, and in the end, they become too heavy to bear?

Perhaps so.. I mean, I've seen enough to know that I should never never expect people to pay me back whatever I offer to them. I've told myself many many times that there is no way to measure what I have done to other to what I expect as rewards. I've readied myself to receive what is to come, constantly reminding myself that it will turn out to be really bad.

But it's beyond my imagination that things turn UGLY.

Maybe I have not get ready enough. Maybe to me, I still have this nice nice fluffy feelings about what a church is like...

I guess being a late bloomer is always subjected to these things. I always come to know about this thing later than others...

I do think that it's unfair that I am always on the receiving end.

Argh.

I am as helpless as I am now. Argh.

amen.

Sitting down there watching the entire talent night has inspired some thoughts...

- ahh.. the young timothies have grown. Seeing C. on the electric guitar (or was it a bass guitar) tells me that these people are ready to move on to greater things the Lord has in store for them

- I'm not sure if any of my cell group members are there tonight. I thought Oasis did rather well as a cell group. Even though theirs was a simple item, it goes to show that the group is spontaneous. I mean, the members are all more senior than me (sans the children), but they gamely participate...

- I should've participate. But then again, I'm glad I didn't. It'd be easier to leave without making a deep impression.

- The chinese congregation once again proved that they are the more "on" ones. The S.H.E and F4 presentation was hiliarious, they were really really into their roles. It was not what we expected, but it hit the right note.

- The pastoral team can be funny.

- The Chinese congregation way of segregating their members by age group was a very right decision. Those who went on stage, right up to the adults, were of the same age group, and they basically can do anything. The most spontaneous group of the English Congregation are the youths.

What's New.

- I was alone the whole time and nobody noticed. I was prepared to answered anyone who may asked why am I alone with "I'm used to it." plus a smile.

So quickly, after confirming that the winner was Agape, I quickly took flight. I don't want to be caught in an awkward position of being left alone while eating the refreshments. And not to mention having to walk home alone despite the fact that many will be heading for the MRT anyway.

So I quickly took my bag, walked passed the pastors, bought myself a nescafe, said hi to M. and L.L., answered A.'s question about tomorrow's class, and quickly head to the station. I'm going to go home alone anyway. Might as well do it ALONE.

haha.. I've never done that before. It felt good.

On the way home, did some planning of my departure announcement (who to tell it to, when, how to handle questions, etc.). It came back to me again that this very move of mine is really a rebellion. It's time to do a big bang.

When I reached home, I realised what Siew Yan had said is true. Someone needs to be sacrificed so that something better could happened. Someone has to die of SARS so that people know about it. Jesus had to die so that we may live.

I have to be hurt and have to leave so that the church (specifically, the English Cong) will realised what is missing in the church. What has been taken for granted.

Haiz. What to do. If I am the chosen one so that others would benefit from the church, then so be it.

God, I am for your use. Amen.