Sunday afternoon.. ahhh.. what is the best thing to do?
Blog my extraordinary dull life. Sad, pathetic life... :)
I don't know why I feel so emotional in church today. That thought came back to me again.. It seems like I am going backwards when everybody is moving forwards... The church seem to be doing well in the alpha classes. Mission trips one after another. 2 hindu indian teenagers accepted Christ yesterday. One young indian accepted Christ today.
Wow wow... where am I in all this?
I didn't sing much during worship. I know the songs, and I told myself, focus on God. Don't focus on your own problems. The glory of God. How he never let me go. Then my nose turned sour and my eyes teared abit.
Then I thought about what a roller coaster week I had over the worship issue. I thought about my departure from the ministry, and possibly the church. I look at myself sitting all alone at the backbench. I thought about how J. came over to pray with me with the things that they announced for us to pray (is that hope). I thought about Ps.'s emotional lethargicness. I thought about the announcement in the bulletin for adult choir.
It's a mix of snickers and whatevers and what-to-dos. I find myself in a great contradictiing whirl of confusion.
Ps. J's preaching today seems to be rubbing salt on my wound. I don't know who is praying for me now. Specifically for what I am going through. I cringe at the mention of spiritual warfare. Indeed, I am going through that right now. I know. And the best way to attack me, is to hit me hard at my emotions. Help God, I don't know how to handle it.
The worship leaders at the children church told me that they felt torturous leading worship in that group, and wish to teach the younger ones instead. Well, at least God showed this to me before my worship meeting with the others. At least, we are moving in what God is leading us to. It's a heave of relief for me.
Then after service, somehow I wanted to cry when I heard that one of the shepherd's mom condition turned for the worst and immediately I thought to myself, I have to teach again next week? I had to compose myself in the toilet.
I can't cry in front of people. I have to be strong. And to cry because I had to teach class for another week is so ridiculous. It truly is. Now that I look at it, it's probably a built up of what I am going through, and something so small like that may trigger a disaster. Thankfully, thank God, I recovered and went to lunch with the rest. But I felt such a fake.
All of a sudden, I get people coming up to ask me how am I. I truly have no good answer for them, except "I'm ok". I mean, I can't tell them what I am going through now in between transition of services or whatever, right?
I feel funny now. Sometimes things turn out bad, sometimes things turn out good. Sometimes people cast me questions of which I have no answers to. Gosh....
People did offer me help. It's not that they did not, but I really do not know how to ask them for help. It's not as if I am the only person who is busy. How can I impose on others?
Anyway, I've decided. I'll bite the bullet and complete what I need to complete and make it "swee swee" before I leave the ministry. And the church. It's sad that I cannot be a part of this advancement of QBC. Oh, I'll get used to it.
I am going to be sacrificed for the greater good of others. I guess I have to get used to it now. Anyway, I have plans to leave this country. Church is one of the biggest thing I cannot put down with this plans. Now that things have turn this way, I guess I can finally get ready myself to move out of the country.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I rush home cos I thought my mom wants me to go shopping with her for something. Turns out she has passed the task to sis. I wanted to ask her if she wanted to go, but the weather is hot and I'd rather stay put at home. ahh... good thing I stock up on my DVDs. Now I know why I love to watch movies. I don't have a life, hence I escape into the world of others to live my life.
"13 going on 30" is a great show. It's something I kinda can identify with. But only if I could turn back time. That's just wishful thinking. Of course things would be different. I love the innocence of Jenna at 30 years old. It kinda breathes fresh air in this world of sensual divas. It gives hope that you do not need to exudes sexiness to have a stake in this world.
It's a feel good movie basically.
Anyway... The movie feeds my pathetic, single, loveless, dateless, going-outless life. See the weather is turning cloudy again. Good thing that I decided against jogging. Dunno is tomorrow the last class for my step aerobics. I'll jog if there isn't. I just need to channel those bad vibes into energy.
~ repeating Extreme "More Than Words" mp3 ~
Blog my extraordinary dull life. Sad, pathetic life... :)
I don't know why I feel so emotional in church today. That thought came back to me again.. It seems like I am going backwards when everybody is moving forwards... The church seem to be doing well in the alpha classes. Mission trips one after another. 2 hindu indian teenagers accepted Christ yesterday. One young indian accepted Christ today.
Wow wow... where am I in all this?
I didn't sing much during worship. I know the songs, and I told myself, focus on God. Don't focus on your own problems. The glory of God. How he never let me go. Then my nose turned sour and my eyes teared abit.
Then I thought about what a roller coaster week I had over the worship issue. I thought about my departure from the ministry, and possibly the church. I look at myself sitting all alone at the backbench. I thought about how J. came over to pray with me with the things that they announced for us to pray (is that hope). I thought about Ps.'s emotional lethargicness. I thought about the announcement in the bulletin for adult choir.
It's a mix of snickers and whatevers and what-to-dos. I find myself in a great contradictiing whirl of confusion.
Ps. J's preaching today seems to be rubbing salt on my wound. I don't know who is praying for me now. Specifically for what I am going through. I cringe at the mention of spiritual warfare. Indeed, I am going through that right now. I know. And the best way to attack me, is to hit me hard at my emotions. Help God, I don't know how to handle it.
The worship leaders at the children church told me that they felt torturous leading worship in that group, and wish to teach the younger ones instead. Well, at least God showed this to me before my worship meeting with the others. At least, we are moving in what God is leading us to. It's a heave of relief for me.
Then after service, somehow I wanted to cry when I heard that one of the shepherd's mom condition turned for the worst and immediately I thought to myself, I have to teach again next week? I had to compose myself in the toilet.
I can't cry in front of people. I have to be strong. And to cry because I had to teach class for another week is so ridiculous. It truly is. Now that I look at it, it's probably a built up of what I am going through, and something so small like that may trigger a disaster. Thankfully, thank God, I recovered and went to lunch with the rest. But I felt such a fake.
All of a sudden, I get people coming up to ask me how am I. I truly have no good answer for them, except "I'm ok". I mean, I can't tell them what I am going through now in between transition of services or whatever, right?
I feel funny now. Sometimes things turn out bad, sometimes things turn out good. Sometimes people cast me questions of which I have no answers to. Gosh....
People did offer me help. It's not that they did not, but I really do not know how to ask them for help. It's not as if I am the only person who is busy. How can I impose on others?
Anyway, I've decided. I'll bite the bullet and complete what I need to complete and make it "swee swee" before I leave the ministry. And the church. It's sad that I cannot be a part of this advancement of QBC. Oh, I'll get used to it.
I am going to be sacrificed for the greater good of others. I guess I have to get used to it now. Anyway, I have plans to leave this country. Church is one of the biggest thing I cannot put down with this plans. Now that things have turn this way, I guess I can finally get ready myself to move out of the country.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I rush home cos I thought my mom wants me to go shopping with her for something. Turns out she has passed the task to sis. I wanted to ask her if she wanted to go, but the weather is hot and I'd rather stay put at home. ahh... good thing I stock up on my DVDs. Now I know why I love to watch movies. I don't have a life, hence I escape into the world of others to live my life.
"13 going on 30" is a great show. It's something I kinda can identify with. But only if I could turn back time. That's just wishful thinking. Of course things would be different. I love the innocence of Jenna at 30 years old. It kinda breathes fresh air in this world of sensual divas. It gives hope that you do not need to exudes sexiness to have a stake in this world.
It's a feel good movie basically.
Anyway... The movie feeds my pathetic, single, loveless, dateless, going-outless life. See the weather is turning cloudy again. Good thing that I decided against jogging. Dunno is tomorrow the last class for my step aerobics. I'll jog if there isn't. I just need to channel those bad vibes into energy.
~ repeating Extreme "More Than Words" mp3 ~
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home