I think I want to go visit other churches when P.E comes back from S.A. Maybe Jacky's church. Just want to get away from QBC.
I was too naive to think that what I am in for is something that I can cope. I am SO WRONG. Wonder how did P.E kept her sanity while in there.
After this experience, there is NO WAY I will serve in a church FULL-TIME. If anyone should bring up the issue again, I'd just tell them matter-of-factly "I've been through enough as a lay leader to know that I do not want to be in full-time ministry"
I've had too much of assumptions on me. People think too highly of me and start to put me into roles that I am not even comfortable at. I hate it.
Who knows, maybe one day I will leave the faith. Finally, I see Christians in a different light. In a perspective that I wish I never saw. I think it's so scary to think that people call you when you need them, and when you need their help and support, they'd say, "Oh, but it will affect the whole church".
I wish I could cry at the computer now. My nose is sour, my jaws are tight and e bit of water is welling up in the eyes... But of course, I can't cry. Sis just moved to QBC and if she sees me in this state, she will move church again.
Why must the church be to me, such a love-and-hate place? God, why are you letting me see the reality? Why not cover it up until the day I see you, then you reveal it?
WHY NOW, GOD, WHY NOW??
It all boils down to managing projects. I suppose. I have to tell P.E that her decision to allow the musical to go ahead was without consideration to consequences. Yes, she can trust the people to go ahead. But I do not know what was going on before she left, what was the communication about.
And here I was, sitting at the EC meeting, kena bombarded by "concerns". There are genuine concerns, no less. But seeing that I was not full aware of the whole project probably put the ministry in a bad light. That we were irresponsible to go ahead with the project.
But we are not, we want to do something that ... heck I don't even know the real objective of the project. It's just that we need help with the project. And I can't kill the project now cos the members of the committee are very enthusiastic about it.
I don't know what to say anymore.
There I was, teaching for the few sundays about being a disciple. And here I am, struggling to make sense of what's happening in my leadership.
Next year I don't want to be deputy liao. It's hard to work in this manner. QBC should just forget about me and let me go. Let me go away and let them do their thang. Everybody will be happy then.
- God, I don't even have the deep desire to pray about this. I can't wait for it to be destroy and disappear completely. Praying will only increase it's intensity. You said that you desire a broken spirit and a contrite heart. I am broken, already. The contrite heart has been kneaded so many times, it's... lost it's elastacity and is falling apart. One part of me don't want it mend, cos I don't want to go through it again. Part of me know that I should get it mend and rise above the waters.
I'll end here. Amen. -
I was too naive to think that what I am in for is something that I can cope. I am SO WRONG. Wonder how did P.E kept her sanity while in there.
After this experience, there is NO WAY I will serve in a church FULL-TIME. If anyone should bring up the issue again, I'd just tell them matter-of-factly "I've been through enough as a lay leader to know that I do not want to be in full-time ministry"
I've had too much of assumptions on me. People think too highly of me and start to put me into roles that I am not even comfortable at. I hate it.
Who knows, maybe one day I will leave the faith. Finally, I see Christians in a different light. In a perspective that I wish I never saw. I think it's so scary to think that people call you when you need them, and when you need their help and support, they'd say, "Oh, but it will affect the whole church".
I wish I could cry at the computer now. My nose is sour, my jaws are tight and e bit of water is welling up in the eyes... But of course, I can't cry. Sis just moved to QBC and if she sees me in this state, she will move church again.
Why must the church be to me, such a love-and-hate place? God, why are you letting me see the reality? Why not cover it up until the day I see you, then you reveal it?
WHY NOW, GOD, WHY NOW??
It all boils down to managing projects. I suppose. I have to tell P.E that her decision to allow the musical to go ahead was without consideration to consequences. Yes, she can trust the people to go ahead. But I do not know what was going on before she left, what was the communication about.
And here I was, sitting at the EC meeting, kena bombarded by "concerns". There are genuine concerns, no less. But seeing that I was not full aware of the whole project probably put the ministry in a bad light. That we were irresponsible to go ahead with the project.
But we are not, we want to do something that ... heck I don't even know the real objective of the project. It's just that we need help with the project. And I can't kill the project now cos the members of the committee are very enthusiastic about it.
I don't know what to say anymore.
There I was, teaching for the few sundays about being a disciple. And here I am, struggling to make sense of what's happening in my leadership.
Next year I don't want to be deputy liao. It's hard to work in this manner. QBC should just forget about me and let me go. Let me go away and let them do their thang. Everybody will be happy then.
- God, I don't even have the deep desire to pray about this. I can't wait for it to be destroy and disappear completely. Praying will only increase it's intensity. You said that you desire a broken spirit and a contrite heart. I am broken, already. The contrite heart has been kneaded so many times, it's... lost it's elastacity and is falling apart. One part of me don't want it mend, cos I don't want to go through it again. Part of me know that I should get it mend and rise above the waters.
I'll end here. Amen. -
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