I think I can survive fairly without friends. Afterall, it's not new that I am left to my own devices. So, if I were to be sent to another country, I should be able to survive on my own. It's not the help that friends can provide; it's whether I need them or not.

I reckon I do not need friends. Sometimes I think Singaporeans can be the worse of friends. Friendship works in a very straight forward manner, like a transaction... You give something, and you'd get something back. Most of the time however, friendship works like getting the most of the transaction. Once the transaction closes, that's it; once they have made enough use of you, they don't need you anymore.

I'd rather do without and survive on my own than to depend on a bunch of half-hearted "friends".

Yes, I do have high expectations from friendships. If you can't give me a quality friendship, pls don't make friends with me. It would waste your time, it would waste mine.

"Where Is The Love?" - BLACK EYED PEAS

What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin'
in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

I think it's a funny trend.

All around me, things are making progress. Church is getting more Alpha participants, things are happening and looking exciting. But my spiritual life is in retardation. I don't know what is the real reason behind it.

It's all so strange...

Why are Singaporeans so difficult to arrange for a meet up? Are we all really that busy? I think we have all grown accustomed to our own personal space and don't really think about our friends. I have done that to others, and now I am on the receiving end.

Looking at my own PDA, it's practically blank. No appointments. No meet up for lunches, or dinners, no movie watching, no chill out for drinks (alcholic or non-alcholic) no dancing, no karaoke.

BLANK.

All I have are EC meeting, Shepherd's Meeting, preparation for Sunday teaching, prayer meeting (heck I even purposely skipped it tonight), cell group meeting, do this for this person, do that for this group of people.

Are the christian "friends" I know also very busy? I never get invites from christians for a casual dinner, or movie, or karaoke, or outing. Oh, yes, F. did asked me to go for movie on National Day. It didn't happen cos I don't want to spend money watching Chinese movie, and she last minute got something to do.

I am fortunate to be able to meet up with old secondary school friends for a rare dinner.

Am I being difficult, or am I right to say that what the single columnists says is true. As the years gone by, if we miss the train and others caught it, we do not just miss the train.

We lost "friendships" as well.

I mean, it's not that I never kena before. It's also the reason why I never believe in "Forever Friends", the sight of those bears really irks me. Or maybe I have too high expectations on friends. I expect people to keep in contact with me, when I myself don't do a thing. Very ironic. Very contradicting person I am.

But then again, in Singaporeans, "friendships" are very superficial. When there is a need for you, I am your friend. When that need has been replaced by another object or person of desire, there is no longer a need. And what more to see this so evident in Christians. It's so funny. All things things that a Christian is suppose to be, I don't find them in my "christian friends". Oh to be fair, "christian peers".

Oh no, please don't come and ask me "Why?" when you hear that I am leaving the church. All along I was there, I was non-existent. (That reminds me: If you do not plan to know geuninely how have I been for the last week, please don't ask me and have me reply you, or you reply for me "BUSY". That is an insult to you.)

And when my leaving disrupts church attendance head count and when there is no longer somebody you could throw your urgent design need at, you come and ask me why? I will surely smile and say, "personal reasons" or something like that. You can't expect me to tell you how I ended up making that decision standing there, right? Plenty of chance, never ask. When it hurts you, then you ask. I'll let you guys figure out. It'd be a slap on your own face.

I am so ready for my departure. I can't wait for the year to end and I'd be released. Whoopeeee!!! :) :) :)

Finally, I have decided

... on this day, 24th August 2005, Wednesday, I have decided to leave QBC next year.

It's not for the best reasons that I have made decision, it's a lousy one. But I have stopped growing in QBC, spiritually and emotionally. I'm not as excited as I used to be when I serve, and it's difficult for me to find affinity in the church.

I've been assumed to responsibilities that I cannot say No. Everything I do now is done because I am expected to do, not because I am passionate about it. I have no feelings to the things I do in church, no attachment whatsoever.

While giving out, nobody noticed that I need to be given as well. I feel like some invisible power that make things work, doing things magically, without emotions, without needs.

Yes, this is the day that I made the decision. Finally, it's time to put it to reality.

I think I want to go visit other churches when P.E comes back from S.A. Maybe Jacky's church. Just want to get away from QBC.

I was too naive to think that what I am in for is something that I can cope. I am SO WRONG. Wonder how did P.E kept her sanity while in there.

After this experience, there is NO WAY I will serve in a church FULL-TIME. If anyone should bring up the issue again, I'd just tell them matter-of-factly "I've been through enough as a lay leader to know that I do not want to be in full-time ministry"

I've had too much of assumptions on me. People think too highly of me and start to put me into roles that I am not even comfortable at. I hate it.

Who knows, maybe one day I will leave the faith. Finally, I see Christians in a different light. In a perspective that I wish I never saw. I think it's so scary to think that people call you when you need them, and when you need their help and support, they'd say, "Oh, but it will affect the whole church".

I wish I could cry at the computer now. My nose is sour, my jaws are tight and e bit of water is welling up in the eyes... But of course, I can't cry. Sis just moved to QBC and if she sees me in this state, she will move church again.

Why must the church be to me, such a love-and-hate place? God, why are you letting me see the reality? Why not cover it up until the day I see you, then you reveal it?

WHY NOW, GOD, WHY NOW??

It all boils down to managing projects. I suppose. I have to tell P.E that her decision to allow the musical to go ahead was without consideration to consequences. Yes, she can trust the people to go ahead. But I do not know what was going on before she left, what was the communication about.

And here I was, sitting at the EC meeting, kena bombarded by "concerns". There are genuine concerns, no less. But seeing that I was not full aware of the whole project probably put the ministry in a bad light. That we were irresponsible to go ahead with the project.

But we are not, we want to do something that ... heck I don't even know the real objective of the project. It's just that we need help with the project. And I can't kill the project now cos the members of the committee are very enthusiastic about it.

I don't know what to say anymore.

There I was, teaching for the few sundays about being a disciple. And here I am, struggling to make sense of what's happening in my leadership.

Next year I don't want to be deputy liao. It's hard to work in this manner. QBC should just forget about me and let me go. Let me go away and let them do their thang. Everybody will be happy then.

- God, I don't even have the deep desire to pray about this. I can't wait for it to be destroy and disappear completely. Praying will only increase it's intensity. You said that you desire a broken spirit and a contrite heart. I am broken, already. The contrite heart has been kneaded so many times, it's... lost it's elastacity and is falling apart. One part of me don't want it mend, cos I don't want to go through it again. Part of me know that I should get it mend and rise above the waters.
I'll end here. Amen. -

It's National Day!!

Yet another fireworks spectacular... but I was kind disappointed that sis and mom insists on us leaving.. and we missed the most exciting part of the fireworks.. argh. Mom and sis are confirm the kiasi, kiasu Singaporean I wish I was never associated with.. but oh well, they saw me making noise at not listening to me and stayed longer.. haiz.. it's over liao..

Yeah, was good, saw the floats, the army vehicles, the march past where we were.. very exhilerating cos they are so near to us. Mom was significantly excited of being there, even though she does not like to "kway sio" with people, I think the experience left her wanting for me :) The two girls saw alot too, and we were fortunate to be in the location where most of the action were. D. definitely love the "big fireworks" compared to the small ones we see from home.

It was a great opportunity to picnic outside Swissotel hahaha... although mom and sis were told to move out of the prego shelter by the building security when I went to the loo with D. But still, we get to eat a one foot ham Subway.. haha!! Such an enjoyment..

Oh yeah, much as I loathe this country's policies and stuffs.. like any other Singaporean who walked on the streets wearing red... this is truly the country we call home. And a tiny dose of pride crept upon me.

Am I still determine to leave this country and seek life elsewhere?

I can't believe it.

There I was, standing with my mother, watching a demonstration of a made-in-japan electric dicer and very convinced of its capability.

Well the promoter aunty speaks very beautiful Mandarin and is very very convincing.

Mum and I were convinced. We bought the dicer. "Yay... can hv fresh fruit juice very soon!!" I am so convinced that I will utilise the dicer. Mom sure is convinced of the homemade chilli sauce that she is going to make. Without removing the chilli seeds!

Have always thought that was a very "aunty" thing to do. TO watch a demonstration of of cooking utensils or kitchenware or appliances.

Well. I guess things have changed.

Hey, we even got a apple peeler, apple cutter and a juice filter with the purchase. And I can make fruit juice without the headaches of cleaning up!

We'll see.

I don't mean to be rude.

But as I relook at Ps's request that we not ask for helpers in the main congregation in case there is confusion among members of where to serve, I have a big realisation.

- The children's choir is ready to move on to the next step to do the musical, and we are already preparing to start rehearsals and getting logistics done.

- There is no news at this point in time yet for the adult musical.

For the group that is ready is looking for helpers, permission is not granted to look for helpers in the church at large.

The one that has not even make a sound is anticipating helpers.

How ironic.

I think the adult musical will be a last minute thing again (as with every year), if Mrs K does not get a supportive core group to start something now.

It's already August.

I hope Mrs K gets a good team to produce the musical. A cooperative team. Otherwise, one side of the church will get accused for hogging people and not releasing them "for the greater good".

I will not say yes this time, if they want me at the last minute to help them put off their bush fires. I don't want to entertain, nor be a victim, of yet another result of inconsiderate planning.

Besides, I'd be busy with the musical and Kids Games. Where got time?