Apprehensive...

... is what I feel when I saw an invitation card to a wedding next month.

It was addressed to my brother and I. A couple from the PC.

In fact, they were so evasive about their relationship in church in the first place that we all pretended to not know the "open" secret. You know, they belong to the group of people who would not tell you much about the going-ons until you get the card?

I am not close to either the bride or the groom. And honestly, amongst all the weddings I have attended, this is the first wedding that I do not look forward to attend. Why? Reasons are as follows:

1) You know already, I am not that close to the bride and groom.

2) The people whom I am close to are close to the bride and groom and most of them has an invitation to the Chinese wedding dinner, I am not. Not that I want anyway.

3) This shows the awkward status I will be if I attend the wedding.

4) The wedding venue is at the PC.

5) More awkwardness as I will be seeing alot of familiar in point 2.

6) I would probably "act" like a happy guest for the bride and groom, socialising mingling amongst those whom I know.

7) When it's at the PC, I will be "interviewed" by "concerned" individuals.

8) The interview usually starts with "Hey Joyceee!! How are you?", decorated with a smile. Like duh. I hate-hate-hate to answer such questions. The person asking it obviously knows what kind of reply they will get.

9) Next question,

"So which church are you attending?" "So you think it's more suitable for you?"
Duhduhduh. If not, then?!

"Come back lah!"
"We miss you."
"You are always welcome to come back!"

Easy for you to say. I would simply smile and not reply. And you wouldn't have to wait till there is a wedding to tell me you missed me.

My problem with these questions is... They are all directed on me. That I should make the move to go back, to keep in touch. I should keep everyone updated of my latest developments. I should be the one doing it, not the masses. Or, it even gives me a feeling that I was the one who let them down.

I would be really be blown away if somebody tell me, "Joyce, if I have done anything in the past that have hurt you, and resulted that you leave the church, I am sorry."

Or even a simple "Keep in touch!" or "Let's arrange to have tea/coffee later/next week (usually it's "someday", that will never come)"

10) After all those "mingling" at the buffet reception, I'd end up going back home as usual, same thing I do after Sunday services previously in PC. Bad-bad memory...

11) I have gone beyond polos and jeans to weddings, as you saw in my previous post. But I find it a hassle to dress up for a wedding that really doesn't matter much to me. You know what I mean?
So it's a headache what to dress up for the wedding, not to chin-chai (casual), and definitely not DRESSED-up kinda dress-up. Yes, I consider this an important decision.

Haiz... I am thinking of making up an excuse not to go. Really. It's all so fake, it doesn't matter much to me, so, why appear and pretend. And I don't like to pretend.

Much of these has to do with people/human nature more than the church as a whole. They are common signs we find in every aspect and facet of society.

I just have problems getting them from Christians. I still do. I still believe Christians shouldn't be like that.

Maybe I am still very much a perfectionaist/purist at heart.