Not getting used to
I tried to make myself go back to sleep. I just want to sleep somemore so that I will not be so deprived of rest. But as usual, my eyes are closed, but my mind is wide awake.
As usual, the mind would typically float many different thoughts. Then I came upon the idea of who am I, how I see it, and how I allow others to see it. I find myself being contradicting. Even though I am more of an ang moh person (I think) in thoughts and expressions, I am still a reserve person when it comes to application. Normally, a westernised behaviour comes attached with a very liberal and open mind. But I guess I belong to the conservative liberal. Hahaha... I thought many people may think that I am quite liberal in my thoughts and expressions. Basically, I think I do things differently from your typical Singaporean Chinese. I like to think deep into certain topics and not just take things as they are, and I like to stop and smell the flowers, something that people don't really appreciate.
Or maybe I am not westernised or liberal or whatever. Maybe I am just different.
Then I thought of how, even though I may enjoy the Western approach to things and people, when they are presented to me, I shy away, hold back and left it there.
Then I thought of the many times when male friends treated me with respect, you know the way I thought a lady should be treated, just like the Westerners do. And how did I reacted? I shrivelled and shrunk and shy away from the well-meaning attentions.
I can't really pin down the reason why. It maybe because I am frequently the wallflower in social events in my earlier years, or maybe cos I do not bother to make myself noticeable or be in the centre of attention, due to my extraordinary height. I am all too used to be treated by others in a couldn't care-less, and non-important manner. If I need to have something done, the natural reaction is to do them my own way, without external help. Probably because it is very rare that I get help without asking, which in turn, result in my independence.
So when well-meaning male friends treat me with respect, in gentlemanly manner or REALLY listen and respond to what I say, or offer to help me in some task, I am taken aback. I will shrivelled and stop what I was doing, and shove away the attention. I would claim independence and "It's OK, I can do it", and take over what the men offer to do for me.
It's so contradicting; I long for gentlemenly gesture to be shown to me, yet when someone does that to me, I couldn't take it.
I think I am slightly better now, after more people show genuine care and concern for me, that when they offer to do certain tasks to me, I will let them. But still, sometimes, I just think I dont't deserve these attention and wish that they will leave me alone to be myself.
Silly girl huh?
As usual, the mind would typically float many different thoughts. Then I came upon the idea of who am I, how I see it, and how I allow others to see it. I find myself being contradicting. Even though I am more of an ang moh person (I think) in thoughts and expressions, I am still a reserve person when it comes to application. Normally, a westernised behaviour comes attached with a very liberal and open mind. But I guess I belong to the conservative liberal. Hahaha... I thought many people may think that I am quite liberal in my thoughts and expressions. Basically, I think I do things differently from your typical Singaporean Chinese. I like to think deep into certain topics and not just take things as they are, and I like to stop and smell the flowers, something that people don't really appreciate.
Or maybe I am not westernised or liberal or whatever. Maybe I am just different.
Then I thought of how, even though I may enjoy the Western approach to things and people, when they are presented to me, I shy away, hold back and left it there.
Then I thought of the many times when male friends treated me with respect, you know the way I thought a lady should be treated, just like the Westerners do. And how did I reacted? I shrivelled and shrunk and shy away from the well-meaning attentions.
I can't really pin down the reason why. It maybe because I am frequently the wallflower in social events in my earlier years, or maybe cos I do not bother to make myself noticeable or be in the centre of attention, due to my extraordinary height. I am all too used to be treated by others in a couldn't care-less, and non-important manner. If I need to have something done, the natural reaction is to do them my own way, without external help. Probably because it is very rare that I get help without asking, which in turn, result in my independence.
So when well-meaning male friends treat me with respect, in gentlemanly manner or REALLY listen and respond to what I say, or offer to help me in some task, I am taken aback. I will shrivelled and stop what I was doing, and shove away the attention. I would claim independence and "It's OK, I can do it", and take over what the men offer to do for me.
It's so contradicting; I long for gentlemenly gesture to be shown to me, yet when someone does that to me, I couldn't take it.
I think I am slightly better now, after more people show genuine care and concern for me, that when they offer to do certain tasks to me, I will let them. But still, sometimes, I just think I dont't deserve these attention and wish that they will leave me alone to be myself.
Silly girl huh?
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