Pray for me, please.
Darn. The darn cable connection somewhat slowed down tonight.
Tomorrow, this time, I will be in another place, another unfamiliar place. On my own. Well, technically speaking, I will be on my own. Even though I would be staying in the residence of a friend.
No doubt it's only a neighbouring country, and it's in the city. Still... Somewhat, tonight I feel heavy pangs of emotions welling up.
I haven't done this for some years now. I remember when I did it the last time, it felt liberating for me to explore an entire unfamiliar place on my own. Walking on my own, taking public transport on my own, in another land. But well, that was when I was about to launch on a personal resolution to be more adventurous.
Between then and now, many things have changed. I can feel myself being insecured about tomorrow. I even thought about possibility of me being killed in a freak accident on the way :P I did some mental calculation on the possibility, and weighed on the probables that will happen should I be summoned back to heaven.
I would be ashamed to stand before the Throne of the Almighty as of now. I will want to hide from his prying eyes on those things that I have been doing before He transported me from my world to His. Previously, I have had no qualms about being called, cuz I know I have been, or at least tried my best to be, faithful. But at the turn of the year, I am in the very grey of things, and things are not as clear-cut as they used to be. There were many moments I knew I had blatantly rebelled, and simply "bo chap". It was a huge difference compared to the me before this year.
The decisions and plans that I've made for this year had been obviously anti-establishment, at least to THE establishment I was in. Mentally, I tried to deny the fact that I am seeking revenge my way. However, it couldn't have been more obvious to myself, because almost every anti- action I take, all I could think of is "Just to show them how much they have neglected my needs as a person" or "I'll let you all know how much you need me/how much work you have given me" and to the most obvious "I don't want to be a part of this, AT ALL."
Yes, it's suicidal. Not as in physically throwing myself down from the top of a building. It's more like courting my own spiritual death.
I can't help but think that there ARE people out there in THAT establishment who loved me, but... I can't reciprocate in the same way. It's just not the same. I have very different, and probably very high, expectations of how I want to be regarded as a follower or a family of the church. And in an imperfect world, when reality fails expectations, I beat my chest and cry "Why!".
So in retaliation for not getting what I want, the beginning of the year marks the rebellion. "Because people don't bother to ask why and how" , I've taken the other route of not responding and not being interested. I guess that's just giving people the same treatment of how they've treated me.
The original intention to take on this trip, even when there were offers to go on others with company, is basically to go on a retreat and seek solace and reason why all this is happening to me. I need to know why. And to spend time with Him, for busyness has warranted me an excuse to talk to him only on Sundays.
I know it's exeedingly inquisitive of me to demand the reason why God wants to wringe me dry during this period. Because it has never happened to me before. And now that it HAS happened... I have nothing to hold on to to handle this.. "Whatever". No amount of bible passages, promises, testimonials is able to save me from this mess. I can only rely on my previous encounters with God as my guidebook to paddle furiously in this ocean of confusion... to shore.
For the next 5 days, I have a feeling I will not be able to achieve what I have set myself to achieve. However, I am going to try to do it when I have the opportunity to do so.
But as of now, there seemed not to be any motivation to do that. I'll bring my tools anyway. Really, if ever there will be a motivation when I am there, only God Himself will have the ability to move me.
Pray for me, please. Thank you.
Tomorrow, this time, I will be in another place, another unfamiliar place. On my own. Well, technically speaking, I will be on my own. Even though I would be staying in the residence of a friend.
No doubt it's only a neighbouring country, and it's in the city. Still... Somewhat, tonight I feel heavy pangs of emotions welling up.
I haven't done this for some years now. I remember when I did it the last time, it felt liberating for me to explore an entire unfamiliar place on my own. Walking on my own, taking public transport on my own, in another land. But well, that was when I was about to launch on a personal resolution to be more adventurous.
Between then and now, many things have changed. I can feel myself being insecured about tomorrow. I even thought about possibility of me being killed in a freak accident on the way :P I did some mental calculation on the possibility, and weighed on the probables that will happen should I be summoned back to heaven.
I would be ashamed to stand before the Throne of the Almighty as of now. I will want to hide from his prying eyes on those things that I have been doing before He transported me from my world to His. Previously, I have had no qualms about being called, cuz I know I have been, or at least tried my best to be, faithful. But at the turn of the year, I am in the very grey of things, and things are not as clear-cut as they used to be. There were many moments I knew I had blatantly rebelled, and simply "bo chap". It was a huge difference compared to the me before this year.
The decisions and plans that I've made for this year had been obviously anti-establishment, at least to THE establishment I was in. Mentally, I tried to deny the fact that I am seeking revenge my way. However, it couldn't have been more obvious to myself, because almost every anti- action I take, all I could think of is "Just to show them how much they have neglected my needs as a person" or "I'll let you all know how much you need me/how much work you have given me" and to the most obvious "I don't want to be a part of this, AT ALL."
Yes, it's suicidal. Not as in physically throwing myself down from the top of a building. It's more like courting my own spiritual death.
I can't help but think that there ARE people out there in THAT establishment who loved me, but... I can't reciprocate in the same way. It's just not the same. I have very different, and probably very high, expectations of how I want to be regarded as a follower or a family of the church. And in an imperfect world, when reality fails expectations, I beat my chest and cry "Why!".
So in retaliation for not getting what I want, the beginning of the year marks the rebellion. "Because people don't bother to ask why and how" , I've taken the other route of not responding and not being interested. I guess that's just giving people the same treatment of how they've treated me.
The original intention to take on this trip, even when there were offers to go on others with company, is basically to go on a retreat and seek solace and reason why all this is happening to me. I need to know why. And to spend time with Him, for busyness has warranted me an excuse to talk to him only on Sundays.
I know it's exeedingly inquisitive of me to demand the reason why God wants to wringe me dry during this period. Because it has never happened to me before. And now that it HAS happened... I have nothing to hold on to to handle this.. "Whatever". No amount of bible passages, promises, testimonials is able to save me from this mess. I can only rely on my previous encounters with God as my guidebook to paddle furiously in this ocean of confusion... to shore.
For the next 5 days, I have a feeling I will not be able to achieve what I have set myself to achieve. However, I am going to try to do it when I have the opportunity to do so.
But as of now, there seemed not to be any motivation to do that. I'll bring my tools anyway. Really, if ever there will be a motivation when I am there, only God Himself will have the ability to move me.
Pray for me, please. Thank you.
3 Comments:
Yes, Joyce ... Will pray for you.
Where are you?
Yes, Joyce ... Will pray for you.
Where are you?
I am... back. Was out of country.
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