*Crash Boom Bang*

Devastated. Story told me studioman actually is going away for the time being just cos he has got no moods to sian chatroom girls. Betchya he meant me. After meeting me, he realised he shouldn't pin so much hope on me afterall.

Hahaahahaha....

And according to Story, studioman actually enjoys chatting up with 'babes'. Great, I do not think I fall into that category. I deduce he is good at chatting up girls and leaving them high and dry after that. I deduce that he is someone who is good with his words and uses his Kou Cai to sian charbors.

I reckon so.. Someone wif his background, who wouldn't? Oh well, I am just this silly girl who is one of those who fall into the trap.

Unrequited again.

Did I think too much? I wonder.. Could all this be just some nasty jokes that is played on me? "C'mon J, you can't be serious, can u? U really think you can be attached with someone? Get REAL!!"

I can hear snickers in the background...

I feel like a super Fool.

How can someone actually like me? Ha ha ha... I am imagining too much. I am a silly girl who keeps thinking that someday, someone, somehow, will take me as who I am..

Bullshit.

Stop dreaming girl, and WAKE UP!!!

Am I really feeling humble in the wrong way, my super low inferiority index actually is playing tricks on me? Am I a verdict from my own imagination?

Was thinking too much my worst enemy in this battle? I was foolish to placey ALL my hopes on every target I meet i guess. Even though I keep telling myself that nothing is for sure, I find myself heaping hopes and dreams on every possibility I see.

The result being, I get myself burnt. For something that never even started. Nobody's to blame except myself.

I am the deciding factor of this event. I started it. Actually Studioman did not do anything drastic. I was over-imagining things.. I think too much, fantasized too much. And in the end, my hopes were dashed.

Its always good to listen to songs after this kinda things happen.. this time round, Jackie Cheung's You Bing Shen Ying get played on my mp3 player at the right time.

"肉体安好不要怕心碎"

That is so true.. if I am well and healthy.. what is a heartache?

Okay. I think I am ok already.. :) Yes, I will survive.

NO MAN WUN DIE.

Listing to OVERJOYED by Mary J.Blidge and FLY ME TO THE MOON on the bus reminds me of him. *sweetly*

I am over and done with Blockhead.

The new target that I have locked on has humour. Loves to talk. Is a natural. And I am missing him already....

We have been talking on ICQ for a few days.. and both seemed to have taken an interest on each other.. somehow, I felt something for him.. and him for me too..

Then we met on Christmas eve. Over lunch. He turned out comfortably in his cap and slippers and slippers. Over lunch, we were separate by another girl and we hardly got chance to talk. Bugger. I was sat opposite another guy whom he tried to matchmake. Argh.

I really dunno what impression did I left him. Din have chance to chat to him on Christmas day, and he left for Johor already :P Sunday is still so far away...

I miss him. I really do. Miss chatting to him on ICQ. Told myself to concentrate on my work while waiting for him to come back. But when there are pockets of time, thoughts of him will come up again.

However, will be refraining and be careful.. Been a fool too many times. Will be prepared for another unrequited trial again.

I like what I saw on Christmas Eve. I think I will comfortable with him.

But nobody knows.. We'll see come Sunday.

J, you have done it again. You have made yourself a fool once again.

What is it with these men?? When will they ever be ready for a relationship? If I can give myself out like that, why can't they? I have got nothing to lose, don't they feel the same way too?

Or maybe it's just a convenient excuse to indirectly tell me that they are just not interested in me. Oh, they are just too kind.

Oh well, I can save some money on gift that I intend to give him. Thank goodness I did not stop to shop for it just now after the movie.

Oh, all this sucks.

At least the LOVE ACTUALLY has more than made up for what I (think) I have lost. I went in to watch the movie with anticipation that my quest for love is waiting to be uncovered, to be discovered. I walked out of the movie with high hopes that I will also find my love actually.

And tonight, the scale of that has dropped to a -1. I can stop anticipating, and I can stop relating to him the way that I hope to build it up to be.

Nonetheless, I must stick to what I have promised myself, that is to remain friends with him no matter what. More so if, down the line, he decides that one of the other chatters will be his significant other, and it never was intended to be me.

I have to be strong. I must have an open heart. It probably was not mine to own in the first place. I am just pushing it. HAHAHA.

Oh well, at least I get to feel the pain once again. An again, I will probably let it pain until it drains out, then I will be able to resume the friendship. I am a veteran in this, I can deal with it again.

I guess I do not have the mood to watch Dare to Love Me, the french film. I have no basis to watch it anymore. I thought it will be inspiring for me as I anticipate a relationship that is about to come. There is no need for it anymore.

From now on, I shall work, and work, and work. Now that it is out of the way, I believe I should be able to concentrate on my work more.

Cheers to Unrequited Love! Cheers to the girls who were rejected! Cheers to new targets! CHEERS! CHEERS!

I am a little happier today :) in fact i feel kinda sweet inside :)

He was one of the receipient of a mass message that I am giving a thank you crab dinner at AMK Ave 3 this Saturday. Sent it on Thursday evening. All the rest has responded except for him. Am beginning to think... has my expression of a special liking to him turning him off? Is he very busy, truly busy? Or he can't be bothered to reply at all?

My heart was half-hearted. Used to been turned down in my quest for romance, I have resigned to the fact that this attempt is another case unrequited love. I did not have any plans of how should I reply to him if he does respond in a romantic manner, something I used to do last time. In fact, I did not anticipate anything at all. Laughing inside in fact, that yet, "Joyce, you have done it again!". Making a fool of myself once again.

In the morning, when I chatted with summer, she said he did respond to her on tomorrow. But why didn't he respond to mine, we both wonder. Both of us do not know what is really going on in the mind of this man... Haiz. Or is he not ready for a relationship?

Summer say Jus suggests Striking the iron while it is hot. But is my iron hot enought, I wonder. I have struck, but is the iron hot enough to be struck? Now that I look back again, then I realised they told me to Jian Chi.

I am tired of Jian Chi. I have jian chi before, but the outcome always turns out that jian chi only turns people off. I am not going to push too hard this time, or other times in the future either. If it is meant to be, I do not think I need to really jian chi that much. Afterall, I am the girl, how long does a girl jian chi for a guy? The dillemma of a girl...

But But But....

His sms just now was a really sweet surprise, though there were no romantic words or any inclination that he is making a move towards me. :)

C.A: Sorry nuer, I can't make it this sat... got to work... after 21st should be okay...
C.A: Ya these few days busy until no time to login chat chat
C.A: Ok sure sure :)

In btw, I replied to ask him "Orh, ok... Pa, why so late then reply me :( muz be busy"
"I guess that you are busy with work, okay, see u online."
Something to that effect.

Somehow, I feel that his constant mention of me as his nu-er is an indication that he understands my intention. As I have told him, I have the feeling for him ever since I start to address him as Pa... So he wants to keep it that way, hence, he keeps calling me nu-er? I smiled at the thought.

But it could be otherwise. I think I am in love with a block of wood. :) This part of him makes me smile, he can be so "char char" about girls. :) I think I would like to love this block of wood... my cute block of wood. :)

Well, up till now, the ending can be anything. I think I will keep this woody love to a low profile for now, and don't let it bother me too much. Like what Summer said, I have already done my part. We'll see how Woody Bear respond.

Argh. I can't wait for 21st of December to arrive earlier!!

*my heart is cringing*
*my nose is sour*
*my eyes are ....*
*my thoughts are all about him....*

In my mind, the song by A*Mei, "Ji De" (Remember) is replaying itself over and over again.. I know it has no relation to what i am feeling right now, but somehow, the tone of the song tug the strings of my heart, probably thats why it is playing over and over again..

I consider myself silly to be disrupted by such things, esp words spoken in IRC. But when i measured it up against what I see in real life of the people whom wrote those lines....

It has been clear that no matter what they say, a single person like me will always be a mockery of theirs. It doesnt matter if I am nice to you or not... I am simply a very good target to make fun of, to struck the contrast of the happiness of being 'couple-lised' as oppose to the "whole night irc" lifestyle of mine.

I am just their fun toy to make fun of when the topic comes to singlehood. I just feel that way, even if they don't mean it.

Or mebbe i think too much already....

Actually, when i look at what they say sometimes, it is really harmless and innocent... I had over-reacted at times... the chemicals in my body seem to explode when certain words are mentioned..

Too sensitive....

But then again, sometimes the words that were mentioned were really spoken by them without sparing a thought for the others who are reading or watching... they can be as happy as they can be, who can blame them? afterall, its their lives, not mine.

I just have to learn to handle things MORE objectively... I shouldn't have let my feelings got to the better of things.. I would have looked really stupid in real life if this kinda things happens offline. IRC has covered up everything for me conveniently. The rest is up to me.