Snippets... (Slightly updated)

Was on the way to Sentosa, and took the backseat of friend's colleague's car. Then I realised that me being accomodating may be a result of the environment and circumstances surrounding me.

Being a the tallest girl in my growing years, I don't fit nicely into everything in this lion city. I have to hunch in double-decker buses, endure having my knees stuck in between bus seats, wear men's shoes during growing up years, long pants were always shorter on me, and not to mention the queer looks of locals when I first started out to work.

I feel like a weirdo in this society and environment. And it's probably due to this reason that I learn to accept that there will never be a perfect fit for me. I will have to accept whatever situation gives me. I learnt to conform. I withhold without questioning. I do what you want me to do, because I (think I) know you wouldn't care to hear about my thoughts anyway.

And even now, when SMRT buses comes with wider seats, MANGO pants fit me perfectly, and stores sells beautiful ladies shoes I could fit, I still feel out of place at times.

The impression has imprinted. Now that I know what is the source, it's time to take action to banish that low self-esteem and that I don't-deserve-better mentality.

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I know why most of us Singaporean girls have big tummy liao.

There's just too much good food here, it's almost impossible for us to responsibily control our diet. Just today, we had bee hoon, ice cream, beer, food platter, char kway teow, kway chap (dua dng), bbq seafood and kong bar bao.

It's tough :S

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GA.

At the moment when Meredith was ready to pull out the bomb from the body of the patient, I started to cry.

I didn't think I cried specifically for her, though I mentioned last week that I do feel that they seemed like close friends to me after following the series.

I think I cried because at that moment, her life hingers on the success of the pulling of the bomb. If she does it wrongly, everyone dies. But if she does it right, she could save lives.

I guess I cried because the intensity of the situation was killing me. What would it be like to face Death right in the face. Any moment, Death may win the game.

It's also the helplessness that moved me, I think. I do realise that whenever I watch shows that had scenes of the character trapped in helplessness, I cry.

Yes, I do think that is the real thing that gripped me. Helplessness. When we are helpless, we are not in control. We cannot control. All we could do is to wait for the next best thing to happen. Maybe miracles.

Otherwise, the helplessness just make us so weak, so sad. Depressed, disilusioned. Sometimes, it destroys.

I don't like to be helpless. But I can't help it if it drops on my lap when I least expected it. I'll just have to take the shit that comes with it.