I feel like a fool. And I feel so stupid.

[ Before leaving the church for business meeting ]
Sms-ed my brother and ask him if he is going straight to church. He replied that he is not going and that he is coming back home for dinner.

"Pastor, how do I tell someone that he ought to go for prayer meeting or business meeting? Telling them 'Why aren't you going for prayer meeting' isn't the best line, I suppose."

I wonder how would the answer be. Even my own brother and sister also dun attend. And I don't want to accuse them. I know people do have valid reasons.

[ Met J. at the MRT ]
I'm reminded that he told me today that he is not going for business meeting.
"Am I a fool for going to the meeting?"

[ On the train ]
Recently haven't hear people meeting up for dinner before prayer meetings or business meetings anymore.

[ Walking along the fence of COGS ]
"Am I a fool? Heck, I am too early to be normal"

Remembered a song... "He took the big and the small.... I'll take a job for only a fool." Can't remember which band sang the song, but I know I've got the CD.

[ Worship has started ]
I look around. The attendance of English Congregation members is PATHETIC.
"Am I a fool to have come?"

[ Into the meeting proper ]
PGH shared about the amount of youths and young adults taking up Splat. That's good to hear. This new generation will start a clean slate.
My generation? No cure liao.

There were also sharing of how the Talent Night brought out the best of QBC's famili-ness. Yeah, but only for a moment. Even if it exists, I think the Chinese Congregation has more of that.

Well, there seems to be more English Congregation people around.

But not many of them are youths or young adults, or old adults like me. I only see older people talking to older people.

Maybe I should tell them how i feel in the next prayer meeting. Maybe not, cos it's what I feel. Maybe yes, cos it calls for concern and prayer.

I'll tell them I feel like an alien. That nobody can hear me or understand me. That I am not super-human being. That I think they seriously need to look into the internal heartware of the church.

The song is coming back to me...
"Charlie was a fool..."
"... was a beauty queen, Ms Something or other... .... she puts her crown, roll up her sleeve, give her life in a mission to others,
She say she, is in love, with Jesus, but her friends couldn't understand.....

She saw the big in the small,
she saw the beauty of the call,
even when no one else approves,
I'll take a job, for only a fool.."

This song kept me in the ministry. Long enough.

[ Reached home ]
Saw brother was on the comp chatting and browsing some websites. I couldn't hold it down "You would rather chat and look at websites than to go business meeting."

He retaliated, and said that he is very tired.

"And I am such a fool to have gone! I am just a stupid fool! I go for prayer meetings, business meetings, and people like you can suka suka dun go!" The tears came out.

I went to the toilet to take off my contact lens and makeup.

[ Out of the toilet ]
The computer is no longer used by him. I went to watch the tv about an old man with a wife and 3 children. All of them have got mental problems. My heart aches for this family.

In all things, give thanks.

The psychiatrist said something about mental illness. I dunno whether if I have it, remembering my explosion just now. And my recent brush with depression.

My brother clarify with me that he felt tired and by the time he reached home and have dinner, it would be late. He din wait for me to respond, or maybe I wasn't responding, and went to bed.

[ Such a fool. ]
That song was one of those songs that kept me going in ministry. It wasn't something worshippy. But it spoke to my heart.

But now, I feel like I am a fool. People have no problems conjuring up excuses not to attend church stuffs. But I cannot.

So stupid, right?

It seems like those who go now are those who live within the vicinity of Queenstown, and those who are aged 36 and above. How about the rest?