I Have Lost The Capability To Talk About Myself
This sentence seemed to have woke me up from my years of clam up slumber. It was a diversion from an original topic that came up when I was talking to a friend regarding being made used of as a dumping ground.
I've long been used to being among groups of people and being the quiet one. There was nothing in my life worth gossiping about in a group. I don't have a boyfriend, I am not a high flyer, I don't have kids, don't own a car, I am not rich, I haven't been to the more developed countries for tours, etc etc... I am a boring person.
Well, to be fair, there are moments when I want to share bits about my life. There were opportunities when a certain interesting life subject/topic was raised, and I was asked to give my view and my take about it. In my heart, I wanted to express my thoughts, but I would start with a "Erm... Well, I've never thought about it" as a farce, and "goreng" myself to talk about my inner thoughts about the matter. If I am lucky, that is.
Many times, the thoughts never did get let out, because during my pause, the person next to me would have interjected in and express his/her view and took over the time that was suppose to be mine. Their views, it seems, are more important than mine, and hence, they probably think it's better that they speak, then for me to murmur.
So, I have learned to clam up. Nobody will want to hear my mutterings, I decided. Their problems/thoughts are more overwhelming then mine, and truly deserve the attention of the group. Mine's... Nothing. Whatever thoughts I have will not change the world, because I am but a very small speck in other people's life, let alone the world.
And through the years, I don't talk about myself when in groups. I smiled with them, I laughed them, I joked with them, I teased them. I talk about the haze affecting our weather, or the latest Chinese song that I've learn to sing so that I can sing it at the KTV, or about the latest yummy food that I have tasted.
They can talk about their problems at work, problems with families or friends, or their love entanglments, their overseas travelling, their work which requires them to work till late in the night, their children's learning curve, their latest car, their in-laws, their maids...
And I will just listen, occasionally interrupting the conversation with more questions about their lives, and listen somemore. If the arrow turns to me, I'll just casually brushed it away "Me? Nothing's happening lah! Haha... Life is the same-old, same-old... Haha..."
It's not that I do not know about it. I know I am withholding others to know me better and I have tried to tell myself that I need to talk more about myself. But I mis-translated that as being engaging, to be more involved in the lives of others, and I asked even more questions about them so that I can let the other party know that I am not just any superficial conversationalist. So that the attention will always on the other person, and not on me.
And it has now evolved such that (read title).
So really, it's not that I do not want to share about bits about my life. I don't know how to do so. So please forgive me if you are frustrated that you are unable to know the real me.
It's not you, it's me.
I've long been used to being among groups of people and being the quiet one. There was nothing in my life worth gossiping about in a group. I don't have a boyfriend, I am not a high flyer, I don't have kids, don't own a car, I am not rich, I haven't been to the more developed countries for tours, etc etc... I am a boring person.
Well, to be fair, there are moments when I want to share bits about my life. There were opportunities when a certain interesting life subject/topic was raised, and I was asked to give my view and my take about it. In my heart, I wanted to express my thoughts, but I would start with a "Erm... Well, I've never thought about it" as a farce, and "goreng" myself to talk about my inner thoughts about the matter. If I am lucky, that is.
Many times, the thoughts never did get let out, because during my pause, the person next to me would have interjected in and express his/her view and took over the time that was suppose to be mine. Their views, it seems, are more important than mine, and hence, they probably think it's better that they speak, then for me to murmur.
So, I have learned to clam up. Nobody will want to hear my mutterings, I decided. Their problems/thoughts are more overwhelming then mine, and truly deserve the attention of the group. Mine's... Nothing. Whatever thoughts I have will not change the world, because I am but a very small speck in other people's life, let alone the world.
And through the years, I don't talk about myself when in groups. I smiled with them, I laughed them, I joked with them, I teased them. I talk about the haze affecting our weather, or the latest Chinese song that I've learn to sing so that I can sing it at the KTV, or about the latest yummy food that I have tasted.
They can talk about their problems at work, problems with families or friends, or their love entanglments, their overseas travelling, their work which requires them to work till late in the night, their children's learning curve, their latest car, their in-laws, their maids...
And I will just listen, occasionally interrupting the conversation with more questions about their lives, and listen somemore. If the arrow turns to me, I'll just casually brushed it away "Me? Nothing's happening lah! Haha... Life is the same-old, same-old... Haha..."
It's not that I do not know about it. I know I am withholding others to know me better and I have tried to tell myself that I need to talk more about myself. But I mis-translated that as being engaging, to be more involved in the lives of others, and I asked even more questions about them so that I can let the other party know that I am not just any superficial conversationalist. So that the attention will always on the other person, and not on me.
And it has now evolved such that (read title).
So really, it's not that I do not want to share about bits about my life. I don't know how to do so. So please forgive me if you are frustrated that you are unable to know the real me.
It's not you, it's me.
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