What Is There To Talk About?

Reading things like this makes me ponder my cyberspace existence sometimes. Is it my time to quit blogging too? Is it time for me to draw the curtains and vanish from this cyber "universe"?

But then again, I don't like to be a copycat. Or rather, I am afraid to be termed as a copycat. And I do ask myself, "Sure anot? You quit? You think you very popular meh? Won't make an impact one lah!"

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It's just like the many attempts by me to try to quit this cyber/virtual/online world since 1996. And almost always, I blame at my lack of social life that gave me too much spare time on the internet. Idle chatters online provided me with some hope that there is still someone out there who listens to my rants. Internet gave me hope that I may find like-minded individuals who share my views, since I cannot be involve myself in the lifestyles of many of my offline friends.

Sure enough, the internet did provide people to fill in those gaps. But they only stayed around for a period of time. As with real people in real life, people move on when their status change, when their job positions change, and when their hang-out people evolved. I was disapppointed that my dream of finding the right people to "fit" me popped time and time again.

And so, I thought I could quit... But as you can see, I did not. :)

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For a very long time, I refused to acknowledge that there isn't perfection in life, and tried to pursue the perfect friendship and relationship with people. Time and time again, I walked out of each venture battered, because my expectations were impossible. And I would venture out again, full of hope that as long as I am nice to others, it will be reciprocated. Or rather, I expected to be reciprocated the same way. Doesn't really work out that way, honey.

I have been so silly, and naive.

So I put myself through a programme of "Grow Up Fast and Wake Up Your Idea Lah" mode. The first exercise is to bring down my faith in others. While it is good to believe in someone, at the end of the day, I have to rely on myself to get through the day. My trust on people will have to be less affirmative, just in case...

The next project is to manage my expectations. And even though I claim that I do not expect reciprocation of the same kind in return, it dawned on me that I do expect at least some response from the receipient. Therefore, upon the realisation, I announced that I want to learn to manage my expectations and not imposing it on others.

I am still in the process of refining my immunity to disappointments, failed expectations, and misplaced trust. I am also practising what they call "mind my own business", but I'd say it's just plain nonchalance. Apathy is a nice word too.

There are times I want to give up, and convert myself into a cold-blooded b*tch, 'cos I really do not see any point being nice at all. Who knows, maybe I will be one someday am already one.

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